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© Karel Homepage, The Netherlands
| 131. A drunk walks into a bar (1) A guy at a bar sees another bar patron fall off his stool. The guy helps him back onto his seat, and... he falls off again. This happens two more times in quick succession. The guy decides he'll be the good samaritan and drive the drunken man home, so he asks the drunk where he lives. The drunken man mumbles something... then slides off the stool again. The guy checks the drunk's pockets, finds an ID, and reads the address. The guy has to pick the drunk up again twice on the way to the door, and two more times while helping him into the car. The guy opens the car door at the drunk's address, and the man slides out onto the street. The guy picks him up and *carries* him to the front door. The door's locked, so he rings the bell. The drunk's wife comes to the door eventually, and the guy explains the situation. The obviously confused wife looks around a bit, and asks the guy, "Where's his wheelchair?" 132. A drunk walks into a bar (2) A man walks into a bar, sits down and drinks a beer. Then he drinks another beer, and another and... soon he needs to take a leak. He's standing at the urinal in the men's room, when he looks over and notices three black men standing at the other urinals. He notices that the one in the middle has a white cock. He zips up and, still a bit confused, goes back to the bar. He orders another brewsky and mentions to the bartender, "I was in the men's room and noticed three black men in there. I swear the one in the middle had a white cock! The bartender says, pointing, "You mean those three guys at that table over there?" "Yes", the man says, "They're the ones." "Well," replies the bartender, "Those guys aren't black. They're coalminers. The one in the middle must have gone home for lunch." 133. FBI Joke... The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him: "Do you love your wife?" "Yes I do, sir." "Do you love your country?" "Yes I do, sir." "What do you love more, your wife or your country?" "My country, sir." "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her." The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves. The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."
The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is
followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. 134. It's a Pig's Life An efficiency expert was driving through the country side when he noticed an old farmer in an apple orchard feeding his pig. What he saw drove him absolutely crazy, for the farmer was holding the pig over his head and moving him from apple to apple while the pig ate happily. He turned around, parked and walked up to the farmer saying "Hey there old timer have I got a good idea for you". The farmer asked him what it was and the Expert continued, "Just put the pig on the ground, get a stick, knock the apples to the ground and let the pig eat them there. It sure will save a lot of time." The old farmer thought about this while he moved his pig to another apple and finally said "Aw hucks, mister, what's time to a pig? 135. Most important man in the world The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds onto HWY 95, and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the blue lights of the State Police in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. The trooper, seeing who it was, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in." The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how he should handle it. "It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" replies the chief. "No Sir!" replied the trooper, "This guy's more important." "Is it the Governor?" replied the chief. "No! Even more important!" replies the trooper. "Is it the PRESIDENT??? replied the chief. "No! Even more important!" replies the trooper. "Well WHO is it?" screams the chief. "I don't know Sir." replies the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur." 136. The Note A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job.`Forgive us our trespasses.' " When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. `Lead us not into temptation.'" 137. Lawyer Joke A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?" 138. Fire..... One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!" As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, the president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before. After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous, the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the old men individually the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck! 139. A drunk walks into a a bar (3) A detective walks into a bar and the barman says to him: "There was someone looking for you" "Yeah, wad'ee look like?" says the detective "Well, he had this Australian hat with corks hanging from it, a red, green and blue spotted shirt and purple and yellow cordoroy pants and pixie boots. And he had a popcorn machine strapped to his back." says the barman. "So did ya nodice anyting strange 'bout him?" says the dectective. "Yeah, no butter on the popcorn" 140. Management A little boy asks his father one day what politics and the government is all about. His father says that it is a bit hard to explain but that he will use an example : 'Son let's take this household for example, I'm the management because I make all the important decisions, your mother is the government because she runs the household, the maid is the labour because she does the hard labour and your baby brother is the future because he is the one who will control the future one day.' That night when everyone is asleep the boy's baby brother starts crying. Since no one goes to see what is wrong he goes to his brother and sees that the baby has a dirty nappy. He goes to his mother but sees that she is fast asleep. He then goes down to the maid room and peaks through the door and finds his father sleeping with the maid. The next day he tells his father : ' Dad I think I know now what politics is all about : While the the management is screwing the labour the government is fast asleep and the future is full of shit.' |
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© Karel Homepage, The Netherlands