KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

151. Blond jokes
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

152. Three young women
Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest wth you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possesions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."

After this, the first one looks shamfaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks." The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Plymouth."

"Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make, canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg!"

153. He who was warned...
A man travelling by plane was in urgent need to use the Men's Room but each time he tried the door - it was occupied. The stewardess, aware of his predicament, suggested that he use the Ladies' Room, but she cautioned him against pressing any of the buttons on the wall.

The buttons were marked "W.W.", "W.A.", "P.P.", and "A.T.R." and as he was sitting there - his curiousity got the better of him and he pressed the first button marked "W.W." Immediately warm water sprayed gently over his entire bottom. He thought "Golly, The girls really have it made!". He then pressed the next button marked "W.A." and warm air dried his bottom completely. This, he thought was out of this world. The button marked "P.P." yielded a large powder puff which patted his bottom lightly with a scented powder. After all of this pampering, he just couldn't resist the last button marked "A.T.R."

When he awoke in the hospital, he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened? The last thing I remember, I was in the Ladies' Room aboard a plane".

The nurse replied "Yes, you were, but you were cautioned about pressing the buttons. I guess you were having yourself a great time until you pressed the button marked "A.T.R." which stands for "Automatic Tampon Remover". "

"Your penis is under your pillow."

154. Little Johnny returns
When Little Johnny's family converted to Catholicism, he was pulled out of Public School and enrolled in a Catholic School. His parents were happily surprised when, almost immediately, his math grades shot up. Where before, he always got Ds and Fs, now he was getting As consistently. His parents congratulated themselves on a wise move in enrolling their son in a Catholic school. "We are so very proud of you for bringing your math grades up so much, Johnny!" they said to him, warmly. Johnny replied, "Well, I figured it was time to buckle down and work when I looked up on the wall and saw the little statue of that poor bastard they nailed to that big "plus" sign!"

155. last request fergus
Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

156. The gates of heaven
3 girls died and was brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question."
Which is ...?", they replied in unison.
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the first girl.
"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still virgin even after I got married."
"Very good", said St.Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key."
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.
"Oh,quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married."
"Very good", said St.Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key."
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.
"Oh no, not at all",she said. "I practically have sex with every guy I met, before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime".
"Very good", said St.Peter. "Angel, give this girl.........my room key."

157. 7 Most Important Men in a Womens Life.....

1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all your clothes".
2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide".
3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?".
5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll love it!".
6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!".
7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoot twice & always eat what he shoots.

158. Playing golf
A woman playing golf was stung by a bee. Afraid she'd have an allergic reaction, she ran back to the clubhouse to find the pro. Finding him, she says breathlessly, "I've been stung by a bee! What shall I do?"
"Where were you stung?" the pro asks.
"Between the first and second hole!"
"Lady, we gotta work on your stance."

159. Farm Relief
There was a farmer who was a cold dispassionate man. A year after marriage, he made violent love to his wife after a sprint across the field. Three years later, he again sprinted across the field. She held her arms out expectantly. "Sex maniac!!" he growled, "there's a fire in the barn!"

160. What if condoms had corporate sponsors?
Nike Condoms: Just do It
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you Pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshrnaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest
Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock,
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know
California Lotto Condoms; Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder then ever.
EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going...
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing,
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
Nature Valley: The Candy Bar Nature Intended,
Absolut Condoms: 'ABSOLUT BONER"
Pontiac Condoms: We build excitement.
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?
Arch Deluxe Condoms: The condom with the grown up taste.
M&M's: Melts in your mouth not in your hands.
VW: Drivers wanted,
GE: We bring good things to life.

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