 |
|
 |
© Karel Homepage, The Netherlands
| 251. 36 bad things to hear before surgery.
1. "Oops!" 252. "ALWAYS BY MY SIDE" Her husband has been slipping in and out for a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to,he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck." 253. TEN WAYS TO MAKE YOUR NEIGHBOURS WANT TO MOVE 1.) Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that you don't have a phone. 2.) Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and Scream, "I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!". Then point at each one and declare them good or bad plants,while watering the bad ones. 3.) Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house. (ie: chairs, books, lamps, etc.) 4.) Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans, if they ask why say, "Mine are full of bodies", then stutter and say, "I uh mean other garbage." walk away laughing hysterically. 5.)Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they come close state that their is a 3 foot neutral area between the two yards. 6.) At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say, "looks like they're on the move again." 7.) When they're watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit down with popcorn and a dink and ask them if they could open a window so you can hear too. 8.)Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbours. Each day hack off a different part of their body. 9.) Use your TV remote to change the channels on their TV from outside. If asked why, say you protest such programs. (The more educational the program the better.) 10.) Dig shallow graves at night filling your yard with brown grave patches. Make markers out of household applainces. 254. Talk About stucking your foot in yer mouth! "The effects are fleeting and lingering..." - Overheard in a hallway "In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted." - CBS reporter during the solar eclipse "A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across." - Announcer on KZOK radio "He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful!" - CBS baseball announcer "An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement." - Irish Politician on RTE radio "This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation." - BBC world service. "We have two incredibly credible witnesses here." - Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA) "He's going to step down 'til he's back on his feet." - Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart's latest sex scandal "Are there any more great swimmers in the pipeline?" - Cliff Morgan, BBC Radio 4 "Andre Vandapole has four silver medals in cyclocross, and none of them gold." - Phil Liggott, Channel 4 TV "That race was all about competition." - David Coleman, ITV "And I can see the strong wind blowing the sun towards us." - Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3 Mark Goodier: What's the name of the company you work for? Listener: Mining and Engineering Services. Mark Goodier: So, what kind of work do they do; is it mining and engineering services? - BBC Radio 1 "Marling - unbeaten in her three victories." - Peter O'Sullivan, BBC2 TV "Both drivers are fundamentally wearing white helmets." - James Hunt, BBC2 TV "A church spire nestling among the trees...there's probably a church there too." - Richie Benaud, BBC2 TV "Well, I shall remember that catch for many a dying day." - Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3 "We don't appear to have Jim Fish on the line at the moment." - Newsreader, BBC Radio 4 "Working mothers are the backbone of the third half of the economy." - Glenda Jackson, Channel 4 TV "There's nothing athletes like - or indeed hate - more than hanging around like this." - David Coleman, BBC 1 TV "Not being in the Rumbelows Cup for those teams won't mean a row of beans, 'cos that's only small potatoes." - Ian St John, ITV "Oldham are leading 1-0, a well deserved victory at this stage of the game." - Tommy Docherty, Picadilly Radio 255. Bad stomach A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours. So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!" "What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?" "No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder." 256. QUESTION FOR THE RELUCTANT BACHELOR: How's your love life...still holding your own?
Q: Why is sex like bridge?
Did you hear about the bulimic bachelor party where the cake came out of the girl? BACHELOR: A man who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
NOVICE: Do clever men make good husbands? What is the difference between a Slut and a Bitch? A Slut sleeps with everyone, a bitch sleeps with everyone but you! 257. Plastic bag Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon. The surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours." So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got done faster than I expected to. John is down at the local pub." Sam went to the pub and saw John throwing darts. A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher - come back in six hours." Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's down at the soccer field." Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals. A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours." So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm sorry, John died." Sam said, "I understand - heads are tough." The surgeon said, "Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that plastic bag!" 258. A woman in a bar This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing some sort of tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink. This goes on all night. The other people in the bar see her hairy pits every time she raises her arm. Near the end of the night, this drunk at the end of the bar says to the bartender, "Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink". The bartender replies, "She's not a ballerina. What makes you think she's a ballerina?" The drunk says, "Any girl that can life her leg that high HAS to be a ballerina!" 259. Working in a bank There was a girl who just started working in a bank. Every day, she noticed that a very attractive man walked by her office. She discovered that he was the bank president and that he made quite a lot of money. She decided that she would like to get to know this man, but she was not quite sure what to do to get him to ask her out on a date. She went to her analyst and he gave her some advice. While she was around this man he suggested that she pretend a string was attached to the top of her head and that it hung down her left side to her waist. She was to also to pretend that a penny was attached to the end of the string. When she walked near this guy she was to pretend to hit the penny with her left hip. This, stated the analyst, would cause him to notice her. The next day, she passed the man in the hall and began moving her left hip. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the penny... hit the penny..." Just as the analyst predicted, the man noticed her and stopped to chat for a while. This worked well for a few days, but the man never did ask her out. She talked to her analyst again, and this time he told her to pretend that she also had another string attached to the top of her head that hung down to her right hip. Attached to this string was a nickel. As she walked near the man she was now to use her hips to first hit the penny and then hit the nickel. The next day at work, she saw the man and began moving her hips. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the penny... hit the nickel..." Just as predicted, the man stopped her and asked her out on a date. After a few weeks and numerous dates later, the girl decided that she wanted this man to ask her to marry him. After talking to her analyst, he suggested she pretend she had another string attached to the top of her head that hung down her back to her bottom, and attached to this string was a dime. She was now to use her hips to hit all of these coins. The next day they had a date, and when she saw the man she began moving her hips again. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime..." That night, just as the analyst predicted, the man asked her to marry him. She was very happy, and began to make wedding plans. She also began to worry about her honeymoon because she was a virgin and was not well versed in the art of making love. She talked to her analyst again and this time he told her to pretend that one more string was attached to the top of her head and than it hung down in front of her to her private parts. He told her to hit the coins when she was making love to her new husband. A few weeks later her wedding day arrived. After the ceremony the newly married couple rushed of to their honeymoon. That night she went into the bathroom at the hotel and practiced moving her hips. "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter... hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter..." Soon they were in bed together and as they began making love she started moving her hips. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter... hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter... Oh, forget the small change... hit the quarter... hit the quarter... hit the quarter..." 260. A Man goes into a bar..... A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make 'em doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doin' all this drinking. "You'd drink 'em this fast too if you had what I have." The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?" The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar." |
|
|
|
© Karel Homepage, The Netherlands