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© Karel Homepage, The Netherlands
| 261. A rat and a frog A guy walks into a bar. He tells the bartender he has no money, but in exchange for a beer he'll show him a trick he'll never forget. The bartender shakes his head but goes ahead and gives the man a beer. The guy takes a rat out of one pocket and a frog out of another. The rat scurries over to the bar's piano and plays a tune. The frog belts out the song in perfect harmony with the rat's piano playing. A few minutes later another man walks over and offers the customer $100 for the frog. He instantly accepts, and gives the other man the frog. "Are you nuts?" the bartender asks. "That frog could be worth a fortune to you." "Don't be so sure," the customer says. "The rat's a ventriloquist." 262. Barbies New in the marketplace -- Sister Mary Barbie: This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini- rosary beads, a mini-bible, and a black sequined nun's habit (after all, she's still Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing because she's taken a vow of silence. Admin Barbie: Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Admin Ken's salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini-laptop. Pull the string on her back and she'll Schedule+ a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-org and a move, and order airline tickets for Director Ken. Temp Barbie: This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she'll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini-resume, and mini-filing cabinet filled with the past five-years worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to be collated. Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death threats for her ex's new wife. Comes with a hatred for all men, and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on her left hand ring finger). Twelve-Step Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she says, "Hi, I'm Barbie and I'm an alcoholic." Comes with a "One Day At A Time" bumper sticker, a 30-day chip, and a pack of smokes. Barbies We'd Like To See Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials. Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken. Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback. Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet. Our Barbies Ourselves: Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out, comes with spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass, and detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can learn about their bodies in a friendly, non-threatening way. Also included: tiny Kotex, booklets on sexual responsibility. Accessories such as contraceptives, sex toys, expanding uterus with fetus at various stages of development, and breastpump are all optional, underscoring that each young woman has the right to chose what she does with her own Barbie. Rebbe Barbie: So why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism. Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezzuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse. Homegirl Barbie: Truly fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and she says things like "I don't think so," "Dang, get outta my face," and "You go, girl." Teaches girls not to take shit from men and condescending White people. Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe. Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling over, she says "Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!" Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly, generous tits and ass, and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, Bucket o' Fried Chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a brick of Sealtest ice cream, three packs of potato chips, a t-shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat," and, of course, an appetite. The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch" have joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise. After all, both companies have made millions off airheads with flawless skins, Malibu tans and synthetic breasts. If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certain to follow. Some possibilities: Melrose Place Barbie: Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment, where Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessories include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets, and an arrest warrant. Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers other homesteaders important tips like what conditioner to use out on the Plains and how to take care of their nails while shoeing a horse. America's Most Wanted Barbie: She's on the run after 30 years of crime against feminism. Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually speaks! Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class is, Ballerina Barbie's struggle with bulimia, Kens who wear Barbie's clothes. My So-Called Barbie: She faces the same troubling issues as regular teens who don't have huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools, and ponies. Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American dream is explored with this doll, which shows what happened after Barbie graduated from high school, married too young and ate too much. Murder, Barbie Wrote: Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set (she's 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously disappear. 263. Partying like fools Two guys were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds & yee hawin' ! When asked why the celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle & it only took them 2 months! "TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long!!" "Oh yeah?" says one guy. "The box said 2 - 4 YEARS! 264. A very shy guy A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200 for a blowjob?" 265. Bears This bear goes into a bar and asks for a beer.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar". 266. A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE A drunk walks into a bar and says loudly, "Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE, and have one yourself, too!" The crowd cheers, the bartender pours and passes out the drinks, then knocks back a shot himself. "That'll be $80 for the round," says the bartender, to which the man replies, "I don't have a plug nickel." The angry bartender drags the man to the door and roughly throws him into the street. The next night, the drunk again walks in and says, "Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE---and go ahead and have one yourself, too!" As the crowd cheers, the bartender reasons to himself that no one would come in and do that twice, and that the man probably has the money for the previous night, so he passes out the shots and knocks one back himself. "Ok, that's $80 for last night, and $63 for tonight," to which the man again replies, "I don't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of, sorry to say." The bartender, enraged at this, smashes the man in the head over and over as he drags him to the door and again throws him roughly into the street. The next night, amazingly, the bartender hears over his shoulder as he's working, "Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE." Turning around, he can't believe the drunk is back for a third time. "What, nothing for me this time?" "Hell no,"says the drunk. "You get MEAN when you drink!" 267. The bet There's a guy in a bar, it's late, and the guy and the bartender are the only ones left in the bar. The guy pushes his empty beer glass over to the edge of the counter, walks to the other end of the bar, and says to the bartender, "If I could spit from here, and get it in the glass without getting any anywhere else, would you give me $50?" The bartender, not seeing how this bet could be cheated, says, "ok, show me" The guy than spits, and makes it in the glass, without getting any on the counter or the floor. The bartender say, "That's amazing! You deserve the $50!" The next day, about noon, the guy's in the bar again, and says to the bartender, if he could do it again, but with 2 glasses side by side, would be give him $100? The bartender agrees, and the guys spits from across the bar and makes it in both glasses, without getting any anywhere else. Than the evening rolls around, and the bartender sticks glass all over the bar. He than says to the guy, "if you can spit in all of these glass at the same time, without getting any anywhere else, I'll give you $200" The guy says, "Sure, but I need a little time to get ready" So after a minute, the guy comes up, and procceds to spit everywhere at lightning speed. the bartender, seeing that the guy has missed ever single cup, jumps up and down for joy, screaming. The guys than pays the bartender, and says, "I don't see what you're so happy about, I just bet the guy in the corner $500 that I could spit all over your bar, and you'd be happy about it." 268. NO STRINGS ALLOWED Three strings walked by a bar and noticed a sign outside it that said "NO STRINGS ALLOWED." Indignant at the discrimination the first string decided to go in and order a drink. The bartender said "Can't your read?" and when the string refused to leave he picked it up and tossed it out the door. The second string tried the same thing and when it also refused to leave the bartender punched it and threw it out the door as well. The third string thought for a few seconds, then scraped itself along the sidewalk harshly umitil it was ragged all over. Then it twisted itself inside out and around and around until its middle was all in a bunch. then it entered the bar, got up on a stool and ordered a martini. "Say," asked the bartender suspiciously, "aren't you the string I just threw out of here?" 'Fraid not," replied the string. 269. BAR TROUBLESHOOTING CHART
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. 270 Bart Simpson If you've ever noticed, when Bart Simpson is writing something 100,000 times on the chalkboard as a punishment in the opening sequence of the Simpsons, he is always writing something different -- and often quite hilarious. These are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the chalkboard exercises during the opening credits. I will not carve gods. I will not spank others. I will not aim for the head. I will not barf unless I'm sick. I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty. I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge. I will not conduct my own fire drills. Funny noises are not funny. I will not snap bras. I will not fake seizures. This punishment is not boring and pointless. My name is not Dr. Death. I will not defame New Orleans. I will not prescribe medication. I will not bury the new kid. I will not teach others to fly. I will not bring sheep to class. A burp is not an answer. Teacher is not a leper. Coffee is not for kids. I will not eat things for money. I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call. The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee. I will not call the principal "spud head". Goldfish don't bounce. Mud is not one of the 4 food groups. No one is interested in my underpants. I will not sell miracle cures. I will return the seeing-eye dog. I do not have diplomatic immunity. I will not charge admission to the bathroom. I will never win an emmy. The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy. All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy. I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause. I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers. My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man. I will not go near the kindergarten turtle. I am not deliciously saucy. Organ transplants are best left to professionals. The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan". I will not celebrate meaningless milestones. There are plenty of businesses like show business. I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball. Five days is not too long to wait for a gun. I will not waste chalk. I will not skateboard in the halls. I will not instigate revolution. I will not draw naked ladies in class. I did not see Elvis. I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes". Garlic gum is not funny. They are laughing at me, not with me. I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom. I will not encourage others to fly. I will not fake my way through life. Tar is not a plaything. I will not Xerox my butt. It's potato, not potatoe. I will not trade pants with others. I am not a 32 year old woman. I will not do that thing with my tongue. I will not drive the principal's car. I will not pledge allegiance to Bart. I will not sell school property. I will not burp in class. I will not cut corners. I will not get very far with this attitude. I will not belch the National Anthem. I will not sell land in Florida. I will not grease the monkey bars. I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment. I will not do anything bad ever again. I will not show off. I will not sleep through my education. I am not a dentist. Spitwads are not free speech. Nobody likes sunburn slappers. High explosives and school don't mix. I will not bribe Principal Skinner. I will not squeak chalk. I will finish what I sta "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender. Underwear should be worn on the inside. The Christmas Pageant does not stink. I will not torment the emotionally frail. |
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© Karel Homepage, The Netherlands