KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

* Bicycles don't get pregnant.
* You can ride your Bicycle any time of the month.
* Bicycles don't have parents.
* Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
* You can share your Bicycle with your friends.
* Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you've ridden.
* When riding, you and your Bicycle can arrive at the same time.
* Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you have.
* Bicycles don't care if you look at other Bicycles.
* Bicycles don't care if you buy Bicycle magazines.
* You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to own a new Bicycle" unless you go out to buy one yourself.
* If your Bicycle goes flat you can fix it.
* If your Bicycle is too loose you can tighten it.
* If your Bicycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.
* You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Bicycle.
* If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.
* You can ride your Bicycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
* You can stop riding your Bicycle as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.
* Your parents won't remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.
* Bicycles don't get headaches.
* Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.
* Your Bicycle never wants a night out with the other Bicycles.
* Bicycles don't care if you're late.
* You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.
* If your Bicycle doesn't look good you can paint it or get better parts.
* You can ride your Bicycle the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
* The only protection you have to wear when riding your Bicycle is a decent helmet.
* When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your Bicycle.

* Bicycles don't work late.
* Your Bicycle stays as clean as you want it to.
* Bicycles don't have parents or kids.
* Bicycles don't get sick.
* Bicycles don't get overweight, except as per your convenience.
* If your Bicycle goes flat, you can fix it.
* If your Bicycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
* You can check out the guy who works on your Bicycle.
* If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.
* Your Bicycle always has time for you.
* Bicycles don't complain and don't ride away from you when the road gets rough.
* Bicycles don't watch TV.
* Bicycles don't shave.
* Bicycles don't snore.
* Bicycles don't leave a mess in the kitchen or bathroom.
* Bicycles are better protection in a bad neighborhood.
* If you don't like the size of your bicycle you can get a new one.
* You can try out as many bikes as you like before you get your own.
* You don't have to feed your bicycle.
* Bicycles never argue, you are always right.
* Bicycles never wake you up in the middle of the night, for any reason.
* Bicycles never try to show you off to their friends.
* Bicycles don't come home drunk after a night out with its buddies.
* Bicycles don't sneak around with other bicycles.
* Bicycles don't care what you look like or what your age is.
* Bicycles don't care and don't comment about what you spend your money on.
* Bicycles don't care if you have to work late.
* When you go riding, your bicycle doesn't care if other bicycles are bigger or better.
* Bicycles don't care about their performance.
* Bicycles don't get you pregnant.
* Bicycles don't have mothers.
* When you've finished a ride, you can get off.
* You don't have to praise a bike after a ride.
* Bicycles don't sulk.
* Bicycles don't bore you.
* Bicycles don't abandon you at gatherings for more interesting riders.
* Bicycles don't have to prove anything.
* Bicycles don't try to change you once you've bought them.
* Bicycles don't get jealous of your male colleagues.
* Bicycles never interrogate you.
* Bicycles don't fart in bed [or elsewhere!].
* Bicycles don't leave smelly inner tubes lying around on the floor.
* Second hand bikes don't brag about previous owners.
* Second hand bikes don't go to see previous owners for a ride when you're
out of town.
* You don't have to explain to a bike if you don't feel like a ride.
* Bicycles never put you down.
* Bicycles don't complain if you wear "sensible" clothes.
* Bicycles don't have egos.
* Bicycles don't refuse to ask for directions when they're lost.
* Bicycles don't need remote control units.
* When you're lost you don't have to argue with it about stopping for directions.
* When it's going too fast into a curve you can slow it down.
* When you need someone to ride with it's happy to go.
* You buy the tools it needs; it doesn't buy tools that never get used.
* You don't have to explain to it the need for matching jersey and shorts.
* You don't have to continually assure it that its crank length is just right.
* You determine the length and frequency of the rides, and you're always on top.
* It never finishes before you do.
* It doesn't complain about you going out to dinner with your women friends rather than staying at home with it.
* You never get helpful suggestions from its mother.
* It will ride with you even on Super Bowl Sunday.
* It never complains if you put on a few pounds.
* When its dysfunctional you know how to get it fixed (and know that it can be fixed).
* If you decide to get a new bicycle you don't have to give up more than half of everything you have.
* It will never earn more that you do for the same job just because it's a bicycle.
* It never spends a "night out with the bikes" and comes home with a strange rash on its saddle.
* It will never turn into a beer bellied blob of metal on the couch in front of the TV.

You are at a party with BBS people, and you find the computer and log on.

You logon and are truly disappointed if a letter you had hoped would be answered...isn't.

It ruins your day when you browse the person you sent the letter to and they have no messages.

You're out of town on vacation and the thought of BBSing crosses your mind.

You have a "smiley face" in your handle.

You use a handle.

You change your handle to match the theme of a holiday.

You take everything you read in a pub seriously.

Your love life is dependent upon BBSing.

You feel you're making a statement by signing your name in an anonymous pub.

You complain about posts.

After calling boards for awhile, you change your availability status to "Separated" even though you are still married.

You make an endearing reference to another BBSer in your handle or location.

You're annoyed that the kids want to use the computer to play an educational game.

You turn on the computer BEFORE you make the coffee in the morning.

You realize your kids KNOW what you mean when you say "uh huh" (even if it's..no, you can NOT go to Janey's house)

You leave all your notes to family and friends on the BBS, such as "Hi, going to the store, brb" or worse: you find yourself leaving a real note on the fridge. that says "brb, had to run, TTYL <> :)"

You have several "hot keys" or macros defined in your comm program that transmit multi-color renderings of trite sayings.

Your computer goes down on a Sunday and you start calling computer repair shops out of the Yellow Pages when everyone's closed.

You prefer to think of your daily online time in minutes, even though it equals 5 hours.

Your ALT, D, :, and ) keys have an uncleanable gray film built up on them!

You've gotten so good at speed redialing into busy BBS's that you figured out how to use your modem to redial Ticket Master the day a big concert's tickets go on sale!

You open a BBS account for your one-year old just to be "cute".

You turn on your computer immediately when you walk in the door, so it'll be all warmed up and ready when you get through with your "right after getting home" rituals.

You become a SysOp.

You break up with your significant other because suddenly there's all these people of the opposite sex to talk to.

Suddenly the prospect of adding a second phone line doesn't seem as expensive as you once thought.

You think "Get a life!" is a clever retort.

When someone calls you a nerd, you think "You're here too so you're just as much of a nerd as me!" is a clever retort.

You often change your location in the "Who's Online" listing to express your particular mood at the time or to indicate that something you feel is a noteworthy event has taken place in your life.

Your AUTOEXEC.BAT file calls your comm program.

You type TM from the DOS prompt, get an Abort, Retry, or Fail? and have heart seizure.

You've asked and asked until you've finally learned how to type extended ASCII characters and you immediately include them in your handle. ...and you think it's cool.

Your script automatically takes you into an open forum when you log on.

You're actually PROUD of the fact that you've been doing this since the days of acoustically-coupled modems.

You log in "Just to check your mail" and realize you spent 2 hours online.

If you are female, you enter a state of mild euphoria when your mailbox fills while suppressing the thought that the reason that happened is because the male/female caller ratio is about 50 to 1.

The only reason you're not logged on here is because you're logged on somewhere else.

You wake up at 2 in the morning to go to the bathroom and figure, "what the heck, I'll just see who is up"!

You can't be satisfied holding one intelligent conversation, but feel the need to initiate or be involved in multiple /p's, even though that means holding several lame, often tiresome exchanges that go nowhere.

You install a second modem in your computer so you can be online at two boards at once.

You're online for hours on end just staring at your monitor screen in the hopes someone you know will log on (so you can exchange a dozen or so unmeaningfull lines back and forth..and then wait for hours on end until someone else you know logs on) (even though you have things you SHOULD be doing..like housework, home projects, feeding the dogs, taking care of the wife, etc)

You feel amused and smugly satisfied over a post you just made.

It makes you late for work cause you just HAD to make that one last post.

You keep re-reading your posts looking for any responses to it... and then get mad and upset when there is a response to it that is slightly uncomplimentary.

You have are late for an important date because you just had to log on and read the pubs before you go.

1. Thou shall love thy BBS with all thy heart and all thy bytes.
2. Thou shalt remember thy name and password.
3. Thou shalt only call a BBS two times a day.
4. Honor thy SysOp.
5. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's password, nor his or her real name, computer, software, nor any other thing belonging to him or her.
6. Thou shalt not post messages that are stupid, worthless, or have no meaning.
7. Thou shalt use the English language properly.
8. Thou shalt spell thy words correctly when ever possible.
9. Thou shalt delete thine olden messages.
10. Thou shalt help other users.
11. Thou shalt not post anonymously when offering criticism.
12. Thou shalt keep thy foul language to thyself.
13. Woe be unto the user who attempt to crash thy BBS, for he or she shalt be cast out from the sanctuary of thy hobby and must repent by doing 40 days and 40 nights of penance of voice-only communications.
14. Thou shalt first dial BBS numbers during the day by way of voice line to assure correct numbers.
15. Thou shalt not post messages while drunk.
16. Thou shalt confine thy messages to those of friendship, requests for assistance, aid to the needy, advice, and advancement of thy hobby; and thou art obligated to repel any who wouldst transgress upon those commandments.
17. If thou doth promise to reply to a message and thou doth not, then surely thou shalt spill coffee into thy keyboard and burn out thy central processing chip.
18. Thou shalt not giveth any false information when applying for membership to a BBS, for verily it is written that whosoever shall do so will surely be found out and thy welcome on all boards will be thus denied forever and ever.
19. Thou shalt log on properly and in accordance with the SysOp's rules.
20. Thou shalt observe BBS time limits.
21. Thou shalt not upload "worm" programs.
22. Thou shalt not ask stupid questions that are already fully explained in the BBS instructions.
23. Thou shalt not exchange copy protected software thru the BBS.
24. Thou shalt not violate applicable state/federal/local laws hand regulations affecting BBS telecommunications, or thy will feel the wrath of thy judicial system.
25. Thou shalt not hack.

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play -- normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have play on or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

** Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses. Monkey pissed in a beer

DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer:
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer:
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer:
The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer:
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that it's proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

You can't get drunk, no matter how many cucumbers you eat.
Beer bottles don't get sprayed with pesticides.
Beer bottles don't shrivel up and grow moldy if you leave them in the fridge for a month.
Beer is always in season.
Beer removes unsightly flab and wrinkles (on the person you're looking at, if you drink enough of it)
Eating cucumbers to forget doesn't work.

Reasons Why Cucumbers are Better than Beer

Cucumbers won't give you a hangover.
Cucumbers have fewer calories.
Your wife won't complain about you sitting around all day watching TV and eating cucumbers.
You can grow cucumbers without buying lots of equipment.
Your wife won't complain that your breath stinks of cucumbers.
You can eat as many cucumbers as you like, and drive home later.
You can open a cucumber using only your teeth.
Having your face slashed with a cucumber doesn't hurt (much).
You can eat the whole cucumber, skin 'n' all.
A cucumber won't shatter if you drop it on the ground.
You can shake up a cucumber, and it won't explode when you bite it.
You don't have to worry about getting cucumber stains on your clothes.

[The cucumbers seem it on numbers. So why do I prefer beer?]