KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

The check is in the mail.
I'll respect you in the morning.
I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.
It's only a cold sore.
You get this one, I'll pay next time.
My wife doesn't understand me.
Trust me, I'll take care of everything.
Of course I love you.
I am getting a divorce.
Drinking? Why, no, Officer.
I never inhaled.
It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.
I never watch television except for PBS.
..but we can still be good friends.
She means nothing to me.
Dont worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."
I gave at the office.
Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.
I'll call you later.
We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year.
Read my lips: no new taxes
I've never done anything like this before
Now, I'm going to tell you the truth
It's supposed to make that noise.
I *love* your new {hat/haircut/dress/suit...}!
..then take a left. You can't miss it.
Yes, I did.
Don't worry, it's OK -- I'm sterile.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing.

The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.

"What condition does he have?" the student asks.

"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."

The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.

"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"

"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."

1. A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't matter.
2. A cucumber won't need to be sucked off.
3. A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
4. A cucumber won't lie to you about having a vasectomy.
5. A cucumber won't want to come on your face.
6. A cucumber won't fall asleep too soon.
7. A cucumber won't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
8. A cucumber won't make you sleep on the wet spot.
9. You won't find out that a cucumber is: married on penicillin trying to screw your sister.
10. A cucumber won't grab cash from your purse while you're asleep.
11. A cucumber won't come home late, stinking of beer.
12. A cucumber won't run off with a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
13. All cucumbers are fresh and juicy.
14. You can keep as many cucumbers as you want.
15. Your mother won't flip out finding a cucumber in your house.
16. Cucumbers don't jam the freezer with food you don't like.
17. Cucumbers don't stay up until 4 and then demand that you take care of them when they get sick.
18. But on the other hand, cucumbers stay up ALL THE TIME.
19. Cucumbers don't mind if you enjoy them and a movie at the same time.
20. Nobody calls you a bigot for having a favorite kind of cucumber.
21. The cucumbers you raise don't desert you.

1. You can enjoy beer all month long.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play football.
5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. Hangovers go away.
8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you've had a beer the bottle is still worth a dime.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer on your breath.
14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
16. A beer always goes down easy.
17. You can share a beer with your friends.
18. You always know when you're the first one to pop a beer.
19. Beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. You can have a beer in public.
22. A beer doesn't care when you come.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony.

"I'll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go faster, twice if I want you maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down." With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well over 60 mph. The young fellow on the bike was handling the speed just fine. But, all of sudden, a black Corvette came up beside them and before you knew it the fellow driving the Mustang forgot all about the fellow on the bike and took to drag racing the Corvette. A little further down the road sat Officer John in his police cruiser, radar gun at the ready. He heard the two cars before his radar flashed 105 mph. He called into headquarters on his radio: "Hey, you guys aren't going to believe this, but there's a Corvette and a Mustang racing out here on Highway 3, and there's a guy on a bike ringing his bell and waving his arms trying to pass them!"

"Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!!!" says the mom.
Awhile later the father comes home and the mom says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him. he's been really bad today."
Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad. "I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.

"Allright! That's my boy!", says dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right?
Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!"
So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks dad.
The boy replied, "Nah, my ass is still sore."

The next night she came home with a mink coat.
The guy asked: "Where did you get that from"
His wife replied: "I won it at bingo"

The next night she came home with a Mercedes Benz.
The guy asked: "Where did you get that from"
His wife replied: "Look!! Don't keep asking where I get my things from!! Go upstairs and set my bath for me!!"

His wife came upstairs to find a small amount of water in the tub.
The wife asked: "How come you put so little water in the tub?"
The guy replied: "I didn't want to wet your bingo card"