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© Karel Homepage, The Netherlands
| 291. blond and a mosquito Q: What's the difference between a blond and a mosquito??? A: A mosquito stops sucking when you smack it. 292. Smart Johnny One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing. The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?" Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!" 293. New CIA Agents Three men are going through CIA training, trying to become secret agents. They finally got through all their written and physical tests when they are pulled aside by one of the instructors who took them to a small room with another room adjacent to it. They brought the first guy's wife into the room and left her there. The instructor then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the first man saying, "Go kill your wife of five years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room. He came back out one minute later and said, "I can't do it." The instructor replied, "Then you fail out - get out." The second candidate's wife was brought to the room. The instructor then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the second man and said, "Go kill your wife of ten years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room, but returned three minutes later and said, "I can't do it." The instructor replied, "Then you fail out - get out." Finally, the third candidate's wife was left in the adjacent room..The instructor loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the third man and said, "Go kill your wife of fifteen years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room where there is silence for one minute. Suddenly, there was the sound of two gunshot, followed by a huge commotion in the room. The third man came out finally, sweating profusely, and said, "Good job, asshole! You gave me blanks. I had to choke the bitch. 294. Dinner One blistering, hot day when guests were present for dinner, a mother asked her four year old son to say the blessing. "But, Mother, I don't know what to say," he protested. "Just say what you've heard me say," she told him. Obediently, he bowed his head and said, "Oh, Lord, why did I invite those people here on a hot day like this?" 295. Blackjack A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer. The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealers fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so why should I tip him?" The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" "Yes." "Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me." "OK, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for...I'll take an eight." 296. At the doctors office A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blond are sitting in a doctors office, talking about what sex of child they are going to have. the Brunette says "I am going to have a boy because I was on top when having sex." The Redhead replied "I am going to have a girl because I was on the bottom while having sex." Then the Blond says hesterically " Oh my God, I am going to have puppies." 297. A young woman was depressed because she was so flat-chested. So when her fairy godmother appeared one day and offered to grant her most heartfelt wish, the young woman instantly requested large breasts. "All right, my dear," said her fairy godmother. "From this moment on, every time a man says 'Pardon' to you, your breasts will grow." The next day the woman was walking down the sidewalk, lost in thought, when she bumped into a policeman. "Pardon me," said the cop politely. Her breasts grew an inch. She was ecstatic. A few days later the young woman was doing her shopping at the supermarket. Leaving with a large bag of groceries, she bumped into a another customer. "Pardon me," the guy said, bending over to help her collect her groceries. The young woman's breasts grew another inch. Very happy, she decided to treat herself to dinner at a Chinese restaurant. Going in the door, she collided with a waiter, who bowed and said, "Oh, miss, I beg of you a thousand pardons." Headline in the paper the next day read: CHINESE WAITER KILLED BY TWO TORPEDOES. 298. Who's the Boss? When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss. The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be boss. The legs argued that since they took man wherever he wanted to go, they should be boss. The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be boss. The eyes said that without them man would be helpless, so they should be boss. Then the asshole applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard at this that the asshole became mad and closed up. After a few days... The brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the stomach got ill, and the eyes got crossed and unable to see. They all conceded and made the asshole boss. This proved that you don't have to be a brain to be boss... Just an Asshole. 299. A boy came home A boy came home and found his mother in bed, semi-nude, caressing herself and screaming: "I want a man! I need a man!" The next few days the same event took place. A week later, when he came home he's seen a man in his mother's bed. This evening his mother passed by his room and seen him laying in bed, semi-nude caressing himself and screaming: "I want a bicycle! I need a bicycle!" 300. Working at the pickle factory A man starts a new job in a pickle factory but after a week has to visit the psychiatrist. "I've got to leave the pickle factory", he said. "Every time I go there I have an inexplicable urge to put my pr**ck in the pickle slicer!" The psychiatrist tells him to relax and go back to work. After a week he came back and said his urge had got worse. The psychiatrist calmed him down and sent him back to work again. The next week he came back looking really dejected and said "I finally did it. I put my pr**ck in the pickle slicer." "What happened?" exclaimed the psychiatrist. "The boss came in and caught me and I got the sack." "What about the pickle slicer?" asked the psychiatrist. "Oh", said the man, "She got the sack as well." |
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© Karel Homepage, The Netherlands