© Karel Homepage, The Netherlands
The grocer takes one look at the duck and sez, "You're a duck. I'm not giving any grapes to a duck. Get out of here." To which the duck replies, "OK, Mister." and he leaves.
The next day the duck walks into the grocery store, walks up to the grocer and sez, "Hey, Mister, ya' got any grapes?" To this the grocer replies, "I told you yesterday that I wasn't givin' any grapes to a duck, so get the hell outta here." The duck sez, "OK, Mister." and he leaves.
The next day the duck walks into the grocery store, walks up to the grocer and sez, "Hey, Mister, ya' got any grapes?" To which the grocer replies, "I told you that I wasn't givin' any grapes to a duck. If you come in here again askin' for grapes, I'm goin' to nail your beak to the floor." To which the duck replies, "OK, Mister." and he leaves.
The next day, the duck walks into the grocery store, walks up to the grocer and sez, "Hey, Mister, you got any nails?" The grocer sez, "Jesus, your'e one stupid duck. This is a grocery store, not a hardware store."
The duck sez, "OK, Mister, ya' got any grapes?"
One day a lawyer tried to call one of his clients. When a little boy answered
Lawyer: Hello, can I talk you dad please?
Boy (Whisper): He's busy.
L: Well can I talk to your mom then?
B (Whisper): No, she's busy too.
L: Is there anybody else there I can talk to then?
B (whisper): The fire department.
L: Can I talk to one of them then?
B (whisper) : They're busy.
L: Who else is there then?
B (whisper): The police department.
L: Really? Can I talk to one of them?
B (whisper): No, they're busy too.
L: Let me get this straight. Your Mom & Dad are busy, the fire departments there, and they're busy. You also have the police department there, and they are all busy. What are the ALL doing?
B (whisper): Looking for me.
All the nuns go "aaaa!"
One at the back "he he he"
"This morning we found something against Gods law happened here"
All the nuns "ooohhh!"
One at the back "he he he"
"We found one of your beds, wet!"
All nuns "ooohhh!!"
One "he he he"
"That's not all, it's actually cum!"
all "oooohhh!"
one "he he he"
"There's something else, we found a rubber!"
all "ooohhh!"
one "hee he he"
"A used one"
all "ooohh!"
one "he he he"
"And the worst of all, it had a hole in it!"
all "he he he"
one "ooohhhh!"
A: There are skid marks in front of the chicken : )
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning:
"Ohh, I need a bike! Ahh, I need a bike!"
Without looking up from her stew, his mother said, "You mean, homosexual?"
"Well...yes."
Still without looking up: "Does that mean you suck men's penises?"
Caught off guard, the young man eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon his mother turned to him and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under his nose, snapped:
"Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"
The commander addressed the first soldier, "Where would you like to be measured, Sergeant?" "From the tip of me head to the soles of me feet, Sir!" he replied. "Very good!," the commander said, and the sergeant was measured at 6'5." He was paid the handsome sum of 7000 pounds.
The second soldier was asked, "What about you, Corporal?" "Between the tips of the fingers of me outstretched arms, Sir!" the corporal said. "Very good!" replied the commander. The corporal, a man of considerable wingspan, was rewarded 8000 quid.
Finally, the last soldier was addressed. "And you, Private, where would you like measured?" "From the tip of me penis to the base of me balls, Sir!" retorted the private. The commander replied, "I must admit this is quite an unusual request, Private, but it's your decision." He ordered the private to drop his pants for the ensuing measurement. Immediately the general's mouth fell agape and he stammered, "Where in God's name are your gonads, Private?!!"
The private proclaimed, "Goose Green, Falkland Islands, Sir!!"
Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"
Farmer: "That's right."
Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"
Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life.
After a few weeks of blissful solitude, Jack is sitting on his front porch, and he sees a pickup truck driving up his road.
A cowboy sort gets out of the truck and introduces himself, "Hey there, my name's Tom, and I came to welcome you to our neck of the world. I live about 20 miles from here, so I guess I'm your nearest neighbor."
Jack shakes the proffered hand and says, "Thanks for the welcome, I sure have enjoyed my stay so far."
Tom leans against the railing and says, "You know, I'm having a party at my place tomorrow night, if you'd like to come, we could sorta turn it into a welcome party for you.."
Jack smiles, "I'd like that."
Tom looks thoughtful, "I ought to warn you though, 'round these parts we do some serious fucking and sucking at our parties."
Jack grins wide, "Even better! What should I wear?"
Tom shrugs, "Well, it'll pretty much be you and me, so I guess you can wear whatever you want..."
A pharmacist tells his clerk, "That must have been some party at the Smith's house last night."
"Oh? Why do you say that?"
"Because Mrs. Smith just asked for pain pills, some Poligrip, and a home pregnancy test."
© Karel Homepage, The Netherlands