© Karel Homepage, The Netherlands
The farmer goes into the pen, searches around awhile. He picks up a pig, puts the tail in his mouth, and begins swinging the pig around for a few seconds. He puts the pig down, and says, "Nope, not quite twenty pounds."
He picks up another, puts the tail in his mouth, swings the pig around awhile, and declares, "This one's twenty pounds!"
He brings the pig out, and the man says in a shocked tone, "You can't weigh a pig like that!"
"Sure I can," said the farmer, "Watch this." He called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The boy came over, picked up the pig, put its tail in his mouth, and swung it around awhile. He put the pig down and said, "This one weighs twenty pounds."
The man still looked perplexed, so the farmer told the boy to get his mother so that she can weigh the pig.
After five minutes, the boy returned alone. "She can't come out just yet," the boy said. "She's weighing the mailman."
"No, I don't."
"That's what I figured. Well, thanks anyway." And he turned and made gratefully for the door.
"Hang on a sec, young man," the executive called out. "You know, I've worked with salespeople all my life, and I have to say that was the most pathetic sales pitch I've ever encountered. You have to have confidence, my boy. Shoulders back, look the customer in the eye, believe in yourself! In fact, just to give you a little boost, I'll give you a sale right now. Write me up for that policy after all."
"Thank you, sir, ever so much," said the salesman gratefully , presenting him with the papers.
The sales manager signed with a flourish. "And now that you're feeling more confident, you should learn some tricks of the trade."
"Quite right sir, good idea," said the salesman humbly. "Always useful. Actually, the one I just used is for sales managers."
As time goes on the woman has three children. Two girls and a boy. Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says "Mommy, I've done a very weird thing!". Her mother asks her what happened and her daughter replies "I passed a bullet into the toilet". The woman comforts her and explains all about the ancident at the bank.
A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears streaming from her eyes. "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!", the mother says "Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?". The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says "Yes. How did you know?". The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident at the bank.
A month later the boy comes up and says "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!". "You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?" "No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog"
Wendy Maines was driving through Versailles, N.Y., in January when she saw five dogs attacking a cat. She stopped to rescue the cat, scaring off the dogs by honking her horn and slamming the door. Figuring the cat had run into the woods, she started to drive off but felt a bump. It was the cat, now flat, she addmitted, adding, "Maybe it was just Mother Nature's way of telling me to mind my own business."
This good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk, "do you live here?" "Yep." "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep." When they got up on the second floor he asked, "Is this your floor?" Yep.
Then he got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it, then went back downstairs. But lo and behold when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk, "Do you live here?" "Yep." "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep." So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs. Where, to his surprize, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried, "For God's sake, officer, protect me from this man. He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"
"But we don't have a maid" the man said.
"Oh, I was hired this morning by the lady of the house". "O.K, where is the lady of the house?". "Who wants to know?" asked the maid. "This is the man of the house" "Well, she just went upstairs with a man I thought WAS the man of the house". The man, now furious asked the maid if she wanted to make a quick $5000, she agreed and asked him what she had to do. He told her to go into the den and find his gun. He said "I want you to shoot that bitch and the bastard she's with". The maid put the phone down and the man heard two shots fired.
The maid came back and asked him what she should do with the bodies. He told her to put them in a garbage bag and dump them in the swimming pool. She said "But we don't have a swimming pool."
There was a long pause and then the man finally said "Uh, is this 237-6547?"
* This winter I came to the conclusion that my sex drive is definitely too high. I'd look at a pretty woman and think that: under her coat, sweater, dress, slip, pantyhose and underwear, she was stark naked.
* Those of us from my generation often speak of the "good old days". Well, oddly enuff, if the truth be known, we weren't all that good, we weren't old at all, and we're actually talking about the nights.
* I can't help but wonder sometimes though why lovemaking is almost always referred to in theatrical terms. For example, surely you've heard men refer to their "performance". Well, even these days I don't have a lot of trouble with that. But... since I'm now past fifty, the "encores" are getting tuffer and tuffer.
* And parents these days seem to want to educate their children to the "facts of life" at a younger and younger age. I do think however the sex manual that comes with a box of crayons is a bit much.
* I'm not saying that my wife was naive when we got married, but... she thought "kinky sex" involved her wearing hair curlers to bed.
* Baltimore City is moving towards licensing all massage pallors. I've already got my application in to be on the Examining Board. And if they follow thru on the plan to also license all the "Strippers" on the world famous "Baltimore's Block", uh, don't wait dinner -- hear ?
" I don't know the time, I don't have a watch"
Ten minutes later a jogger bangs on his window and says...
"Its 5.30 mate !"
A man was walking by and said, "WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!" The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain." The man said, "But that's the SPECIES of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish."
The sister said, "Oh, ok." She took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught."
Shocked, the Mother Superior said, "Sister, you know better than that." The nun said, "That's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish."
So the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it."
While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught." Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn"t talk like that!" Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish." Monsignor said, "Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it."
That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, "Wow, what a nice fish." In reply, the sister said, "Thank-you, I caught the Gauddam Fish." And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam Fish." And Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish."
The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said... "I LIKE THIS F***ING PLACE ALREADY!"
© Karel Homepage, The Netherlands