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The first one said: "For my first wedding anniversary my husband gave me a 2 carat diamond ring."
The Second repied: "That's nice, that's very, very nice."
The first one said: After my second wedding anniversary my husband gave me a brand new Eldorado Cadillac, fully loaded.
The second one said: "That's nice, that's very, very nice."
The first one said: After my third wedding anniversary my husband gave me a full length, sable coat.
The second one said: "That's nice, that's very, very nice."
The first one asked, "Well, what did your husband give you for your wedding anniversary?"
The second one replied, "He sent me to Charm School where they taught me to say, "That's nice, that's very, very nice instead of 'Fuck you bitch!'"
This went on for some time. Later we described the event to our friends.
US: "For the first five minutes, it was funny and kind of embarrassing that we could hear them so well.
"After about ten minutes, it became really annoying.
"After fifteen minutes, it was getting very frustrating because it was keeping us from going to sleep..."
FRIENDS: "And then?"
US: "And then after twenty straight minutes...Okay, after twenty minutes it was pretty damn impressive."
She asked a brave who had only one feather in his headdress. His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me have only one feather."
She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied, "UGH, Me have four feathers because me sleep with four squaws."
Still not convinced that the number of feathers indicated the number of squaws involved, she decided to interview the chief. Now the chief headdress was full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters. She asked the chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?" The chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me Chief, Me fuck- em all, big, small, fat, tall, me fuck-em all."
Horrified, Ms. Walters stated. "You ought to be hung." The Chief replied. "You damned right me hung......Big like Buffalo, long like Snake." Ms Walters cried, "You don't have to be so goddamn hostile! The Chief replied, "Hoss'style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all!"
Tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "OH DEAR." The Chief said, "No Deer.....me no fuck deer.....Asshole too high, and fuckers run too fast. No fuck deer."
You know She's lost that loving feeling when.....
1. She wraps your sandwiches in road maps
2. You start wearing spectacles and she doesn't notice
3. You grow another head and she doesn't notice.
4. You grow three heads shrink 9 inches change skin colour and she
points out your new spectacles.
5. She suggest a nice cosy night in, just the twelve of you.
6. She uses your wedding video to record soaps.
7. You ask her what she thinks you'll both be doing in five years
time and she suggest that you look each other up.
8. You suggest a holiday and she goes on one.
9. You suggest a second honeymoon but she suggest a second marriage.
10. And finally, its always a sure sign that she's lost that loving
feeling when she leaves you.
One day, a woman was shopping at the friar's store, and while she was strolling down an aisle with her toddler, a large plant reached out, grabbed the child, and ate it. Needless to say, the women was quite upset at the loss of her child. However, the friars refused to believe that one of their plants could have done such a thing. The woman told all of her friends about the incident, and soon everyone in the town was in an uproar. They decided to kick the friars out of town. Every person in the town, except for a man named Hugh, gathered outside of the friars shop, shouting, waving sticks, and demanding that they leave. But the friars said "No. We're not leaving". So the townspeople gave up and went home.
Well, a couple weeks later, another woman was walking through the friar's shop, looking at plants with her baby, when a plant grabbed her child and ate it. She ran through the streets screaming that a plant had swallowed her baby.
The townspeople were outraged, and again gathered outside the floral shop (except for Hugh), waving torches, and demanding that the friars leave town at once. But the friars said, "No way." and all the people gave up and went home.
A few days later, yet another woman dared to take her child into the floral shop. She held her infant tightly in her arms, but it was no use. A large ficus wrestled the child from her arms, and ate it.
When the townspeople heard of this, they were extremely upset. They again gathered outside the friar's store (except for Hugh), yelling and threatening bodily harm to the friars if they didn't leave town. But the friars said, "We're staying". So, the citizens gave up and began to go home. Just then, Hugh showed up. He walked up to the friars, and said, "Get out of town, now!". The friars immediately packed up all their belongings and fled that very day, never to be heard from again.
The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
"What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."
1. You spend more on oil than on petrol
2. Your car leaves three types of liquid in your parking space
3. You offer a friend a lift and they say no because they are in a
hurry
4. You feel good if you beat a cyclist at the lights
5. You get invited to join a car restoration club
6. Your neighbours all chip in to buy you a car cover
7. Your car leaves more smoke than a David Copperfield show.
8. Somebody breaks in and fits a radio
9. Hitch hikers hide when they see you coming
10. And Finally, you know its time to change that carr when some old
duffer tells you that they are the best car ever made !!!!!!
I'm sure you can imagine,
It's simple as can be,
The place is very quiet,
The game is he and she.
She whispered, "Will it hurt?"
"Of course, a little bit."
"It's just a simple process,
Lay down and open it."
She said, "I'm rather frightened."
"I've done this before."
He started to continue,
But she interupted "It's hurting more and more."
"It's getting pretty painful,"
As the tears came to her eyes,
It was hurting something awful.
It must have been quite a size.
"Calm yourself, my darling."
So she closed her dark blue eyes.
Then he said "Open slightly
So I can get inside."
Suddenly with a jump and a jerk
He gave a great big shout.
"Calm down, it's all over now."
Thank God he pulled it out.
This man is a dentist,
That soon you would find.
It's not what you were thinking,
It's just your dirty mind!
The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb wife. They approve.
The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Greek. I want 150 lbs of books to learn Greek with." The NASA board approves.
The Russian astronaut thinks for a second and says, "It's gonna be two years up there. I want 150 pounds of the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it.
Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside the shuttle to see what each astronaut got out of his personal entertainment. Well, it's obvious what the American's been up to, He and his wife are each holding and infant. The crowd cheers. The Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely perfect Greek. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're impressed and they cheer. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row waving a chewed up cigar at them and says: "Anybody got a match?"
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