© Karel Homepage, The Netherlands
"Yeah daddy, yeah daddy," said the little boy.
After a while the boy came into the living where his father was talking with some friends. "Say, Pop," said the boy. "Yes," replied his father.
"The bull just fucked the brown cow."
There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said "Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow."
The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said, "Hey, Daddy."
"Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?"
"He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again!"
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
The bartender asks,"Was the guy in the middle wearing a blue hat?" "Yeah he was." said the man.
The bartender says,"Yeah...that guy's lucky at cards too."
Debt is imprisonment. It's that simple. As a prison controls its inmates by restricting their freedom of movement, our creditors control us. Of course, we try to fight them. Feeble gesture!
The only way to escape debt is to surrender and give yourself up! Say to your creditors, "You got me. I'm your prisoner."
Now, as a prisoner, you get to ask permission for every move you make. Feel free to call up the banks and credit card companies two or three hundred times a day. Pretend you're one of those Georgia Work Farm inmates and use a lyrical "prison" cadence:
"Permission to get a haircut today, Big Bank Boss?"
"Can I get a second helping of dessert, Master Card?"
"Been draggin' the line double-time, Credit Man. Can I have a drink of water?"
Pretty soon they'll stop taking your calls. Show up in person. Stand in the middle of the bank lobby, unbuttoning your shirt and shouting, "Takin' it off today, boss!"
Soon enough they'll lock the doors when they see you coming. NOW who's the prisoner? You win.
MAKING A POINT
An economist was asked to talk to a group of business people about the recession. She tacked up a big sheet of white paper. Then she made a black spot on the paper with her pencil and asked a man in the front row what he saw. The man replied promptly, "A black spot." The speaker asked every person the same question, and each replied, "A black spot." With calm and deliberate emphasis the speaker said: "Yes, there is a little black spot, but none of you mentioned the big sheet of white paper. And that's my speech."
TWO ECONOMISTS
Two economists went into a restaurant for lunch. "Never mind the food," one said to the waitress. "Just bring us the bill so we can argue about it."
ECONOMISTS
Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?
MARKET IDEOLOGY
"... it is worth noticing that the heart of market ideology beats in the United States, and that the believers preach two contradictory visions: (1) a return to the American small-town ideal; (2) the achievement of a magic balance that will be created by the freeing of the capitalist mechanism. Most sensible people would be surprised by the suggestion of such a strange cohabitation. The global economy and the small-town ideal are not simply nonsequiturs. They are direct enemies. But there is no need for the sensible in a utopia." --John Ralston Saul, from his best-seller _The Unconscious Civilization_
THE PETER FONDA WORKOUT
When you wake up in the morning, smoke two joints, then go over to your sister's house to ask her for money.
DEMI MOORE
"Striptease is the second movie this summer to feature Demi Moore as an exotic dancer pursued by an obsessed, powerful politician. Her first was as the voice of the gypsy Esmerelda in the Disney cartoon The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
"The difference between the two, of course, is that the cartoon featured a more mature, coherent handling of that theme." --From a movie review in the newspaper The Province, p. B3, Jun. 28, 1996
TOP TEN REASONS TO QUIT YOUR ACTING CAREER
1. Your gorilla suit is beginning to chafe.
2. You biggest part so far has been clip number thirty-eight in a free Sports Bloopers video.
3. You're famous among Mystery Science Theater 3000 fans.
4. You've become typecast as "Stiff Number Three".
5. The public knows you only as "that lady in the diaper commercial."
6. Morton Downey, Jr., refused your next role.
7. You've yet to play your own gender or species.
8. You have to rent your own costumes.
9. You're known as the "King of the Mexican Drive-in".
10. The producer's nephew dubbed your dialogue as an assignment for his drama class.
ANOTHER TEXAN
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London, and was in a hurry.
As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412, the Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
House of Parliament next -- Started construction in 1544, completed 1618 "Hell boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"
As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabby was silent. "Whoah! What's that over there?" "Damned if I know, wasn't there yesterday..."
TEXAS POLITICS
Few people know that George Washington was actually a Texan. As a young boy, he used his bowie knife and chopped down his father's favorite mesquite tree. His father returned from a hard day of riding the range and demanded to know who had cut down his prized tree.
"Father," said young George, "I cannot tell a lie. I chopped it down."
"That settles it," said his father, "we're moving to Virginia. With an attitude like that, you'll never make it in Texas politics."
THE BATTLE OF THE MOLECULES
Austin, Texas -- Nothing's too small for politicians to debate. Even molecules. Rep. Scott Hochberg, D-Houston, apparently thought his idea of making Rice University's Nobel Prize-winning "buckyball" the official Texas molecule would glide through the Legislature unopposed.
But Hochberg, a Rice alum and an electrical engineer tutored in the arguments of science, should have known better.
University of Texas chemist Jonathan Sessler has another candidate for the Texas title: his Texaphyrin, a 9-year-old, engineered molecule undergoing tests as a delivery system for anti-cancer drugs.
For one thing, Sessler says buckyballs -- the whimsically nicknamed form of carbon discovered by Rice chemists Rick Smalley and Robert Curl -- belong to nature and, therefore, aren't specifically Texan. Sessler, on the other hand, designed his Texaphyrin, for which a patent is pending, in the shape of a two-dimensional Frisbee with a five-point Lone Star in the middle of it.
"The buckyball is like the Hope diamond," Sessler said. "The scientists picked it up and polished it. But that's a very different kind of beauty than the Sistine Chapel, which came out of a person's brain and hand."
HIPPIES
Two hippies were waiting at the bus stop along with a nun with her leg in a cast. The first hippie asked, "Sister, how did you break you leg?"
"I slipped in the bathtub."
The second hippie asked the first, "What's a bathtub?"
"How should I know, I'm not Catholic!"
THE HELPFUL HIPPIE
A man who owned a hand-operated rotisserie was barbecuing a chicken in his backyard when a hippie strolled by. The hippie stood and watched for a couple of minutes and then said slowly, "Uh...I don't want to bug you man, but your music's stopped, and your monkey's on fire."
A man and wife were playing in their club's annual "Guys and Dolls" tournament. The man was not happy about having to play, but his wife had insisted. On the 12th tee, his patience had reached its limit. While his wife wasted time on the ladies tee, he decided to go ahead and hit his drive from the mens. Unfortunately, he misjudged his shot and his ball hit his wife in the back of the head, killing her instantly. At the hospital the doctor came to talk to the husband. "Mr. Smith, we found a golf ball lodged 3 inches into your wife's brain, which was the the cause of death. But, we have found something else that really puzzles us." "What is it?" asked Mr. Smith. "Well," said the doctor, "we also found a golf ball lodged 6 inches into her anal cavity." The husband dismissed the doctor with a wave of his hand "Oh, that was just my Mulligan!"
"For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a dead patient in the same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters.
"There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial infection, failed to reveal any clues."
"However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths. It seems that every Friday morning a cleaner would enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the patient's life support system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her business. When she had finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the screams and eventual death rattle over the whirring of her polisher.
"We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in question. Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should be no repetition of this incident. The inquiry is now closed."
© Karel Homepage, The Netherlands