© Karel Homepage, The Netherlands
This story is true, very true...the phrase "that sucks" will take on a whole new meaning...
This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage. Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.
Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either puking or shitting. After several hours of this, he is able to stop puking, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes to shit. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again. So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride).
They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees. They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it.
After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh shit," he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants... (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside.
He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy. On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap. "Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks. "No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies.
They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up. Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants."
"What?" asks the Gap girl.
"Just the pants!" (His eyes still trained on his date.)
Gap girl: "Oh, OK."
He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.
PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU WOULD DO IN THIS SITUATION.
As you must have realized, the only solution is to wear the sweater as pants. So he squeezes his legs into the arms of the sweater and pulls the rest of the fabric tight around his waist. He can only keep himself covered by hunching over. Walking will be a new challenge altogether.
Rather than going through the absolute trauma of returning to his seat and explaining (or creating an elaborate lie to explain) the entire incident, our hero waits in the bathroom until the train stops at the next station. He waits until the moment the train starts to pull away from the station, then dashes out of the bathroom (as quickly as a hunched over cowboy with sweater pants can dash) and jumps off the train. He is lost and stranded somewhere between New York City and Westchester.
He hasn't seen the girl since.
Come and listen to a story 'bout a man name Jed,
A poor College Kid barely kept his family fed
But then one day he talked to a recruiter,
"They'll pay ya big bucks if ya work on a computer",
UNIX that is . . . CRT's . . . Workstations;
Well the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer,
The kinfolk said "Jed move away from here",
They said "Arizona is the place ya oughta be",
So he scarfed down some donuts and he moved to Ahwatukee,
Intel that is . . . dry heat . . . no amusement parks;
On his first day at work they stuck him in cube,
The fed him more donuts and they sat him at a tube,
They said "Your project's late but we know just what to do,
Instead of 40 hours, hey, we'll work you fifty-two!"
OT that is . . . unpaid . . . Mandatory
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad,
The schedules they did slip and managers were mad,
They called another meeting and decided on a fix,
The answer's really simple, "Hey, we'll work him sixty-six",
Tired that is . . . stressed out . . . no social life
Well, months stretched to years and his hair was turning gray,
Ol' Jed worked real hard while his life just slipped away,
Waiting to retire when he aged to sixty-four,
Instead he got a call and they kicked him out the door,
Laid-off that is . . . Debriefed . . . Unemployed . . .
Moses tees up and hits his ball into the water trap. Nonplussed, he goes over to the lake, parts the water with his club, and hits the ball onto the green.
Jesus tees up next, and also manages to land in the water trap, where the ball curiously floats. So he walks down to the lake, across the water, and its his ball out onto the green.
Last to tee up is the old man, whose ball heads straight for the water, also. As the ball hits the surface of the water, a fish jumps up and swallows it and is immediately grabbed by an eagle, which deposits the fish on the green. The ball shoots out of the fish's mouth and rolls into the cup.
Jesus turns around and says, "Nice shot, Dad, but would you quit messing around and play golf?"
A county extension agent was visiting a farmer .The agent had to go to
the bathroom . As he aproached the house he remembered that there wasn't
any indoor plumbing so he had to go to the out house . As he aproachhed the
out house and opened the door he saw that the hired hand was already
sitting inside .The agent said excuse me and was about to close the door as
the hired hand said,"Come on in ,It's a two seater and I could use the
company".So the agent went in and sat down.
When yhe hired hand had finished his business he stood up and pulled his
pants up . As he pulled his pants up some change fell out of his pocket
and into the hole .The hired hand cussed then took his wallet out of his
pocket and threw a $20.00 dollar bill down the hole .The county agent was
shocked and asked ," Why did you do that ?".
The hired hand responded , "Well you didn't think I was going down
there for just 35 cent did you?"
She says, "But I got-a no clothes to wear on-a the t.v."
So they take her out and they buy her a few new dresses. On the big night, she gets made up and gets her hair done. She gets interviewed on the show before the operation and after the show they come backstage to see her.
One of the doctors says, "Mrs. Shivelli, I'm very sorry, but your husband passed away during the operation."
She says, "Atsa show biz."
A man travelling on a train ask the ticket collector
what time the train stops at Victoria.
"This train doesn't stop at Victoria, its the express"
"Your joking!, I NEED to get off at Victoria"
"Sorry sir, this train will not stop at Victoria"
"There must be something you can do"
"Well there is one thing"
"What, anything, I need to get off"
"Well, I'll get the driver to slow down and I'll dangle you out the
door
and lower you onto the platform"
"my god! will that work"
"Its worth a try"
The train approaches the platform at 50 mph
The ticket collector hangs the man in mid air out the door,
The man starts running!
The man is running in mid air
"Run faster! Run faster!"
The ticket collector lowers the man down.
The mans feet touch the platform!
Smoke flies of his shoes and his heel comes off.
The man is running for his life!
The ticket collector lets go
The man is running at 30mph!!
He's made it, he begins to slow down
He's still running at 20mph along side the train as the other
passengers watch in amazement
As the last carriage goes by a hand grabs the man by the shirt collar
and lifts him back onto the train.
As he's being pulled into the carriage he hears a voice say.....
"Your lucky I was here to help, this train doesn't even stop at Victoria!!!!"
The woman can hardly believe what she has just heard, and proceeds to slap the young gentlman. When she arrives home she tells her husband the whole story. Her husband is the take charge kind of guy and after he hears his wifes story, he just sits there. She replies,"Well aren't you going to do anything?".
He says "No, for three reasons:
1. You don't need any more shoes,
2. You should have had on underwear, and
3. I'm not going to fuck with someone who can eat that much ice
cream."
The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, "Boy, are you gonna jump or not?''
I said, "No, sir. I'm too scared. So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first."
News We Just Couldn't Pass Up
A paying guest: An Australian con man is accused of paying for his wedding reception with a check stolen from one of his guests.
Running on empty: Three men used coffee, soda and their own urine to land their single-engine plane in Utah after its hydraulic fluid leaked out.
Kidnapped for art: A Mexican artist seized at gunpoint off the street says his kidnappers forced him to paint a nude portrait of a wealthy woman.
Billion-dollar babies: Although Helsinki Parents using state-run day care are used to seeing their bills rise as social services are trimmed, some blanched at the amount a computer glitch generated on their January bill: $70 billion.
Everyone gets a peek: It's difficult for the prime minister of Sweden to have any secrets. Under Swedish law, anyone can read his mail.
Don't point at me: An Aborigine activist has been charged with attempting to extort thousand of dollars from an Australian comedian by threatening to "point the bone" or place a death-curse on him.
Unholy wine: Finland's largest church has banned popular berry wine for communion saying only grapes can make a holy vintage.
Handsome devil?: A Honduran congressman accused of bigamy tried to explain it to the public: He's handsome enough for two women -- or more.
An Israeli woman went to extremes when she sneaked into her daughter's army base to keep a watchful eye on her during basic training.
What do square dancing, jousting and blue crabs have in common? They are the official dance, sport and crustacean of Maryland. Now milk may join that list as the state's official drink.
After 40 years of playing at a New Brunswick, N.J., jail, a preacher says accordion music helps prisoners turn their lives around.
An Australian wildlife-park attendant survived a crocodile attack after her father jumped on the huge reptile's back and gouged out its eyes.
Two suspected burglars were nabbed when Sioux Falls, S.D., Police spotted a safe sticking out of the back of their loaded getaway car. It didn't fit into the trunk of their Honda Prelude.
A French surgeon, once branded the "scalpel samurai," was sentenced to six years in jail for unnecessary operations on men suspected of suffering from prostate cancer.
A Tucson, Ariz., woman is charged with violating laws against feeding wildlife. A store employee has testified that the defendant "would buy 10 to 12 quarts of hand-packed French vanilla ice cream" for the bears.
The Maryland Senate has approved a bill that would protect producers of fruit, vegetables and other perishable food from snide remarks.
A retired school custodian had "a couple of drinks" at a Long island bar and wound up wedged between two buildings, stuck there through the night. It took a team of firefighters and a half-gallon of "slippery stuff" to free him.
Livermore, Calif., firefighters possess what is thought to he the longest-burning bulb on the planet. Donated to the department by a local businessman, it has been shining since 1901.
A New York man charged with running a prostitution ring was arraigned in the outdoor courtyard of Manhattan Supreme Court because he was too fat to fit through the courtroom's doors.
After failing his driver's test 17 times and driving illegally for three decades, Jan Boekholt, 73, of Buinerveen, Netherlands, says he will give it one last try. He recently started taking driving lessons again.
An accused Mafioso pleaded with Turin, Italy, prison authorities for mercy -- no more sausage sandwiches. "We've had enough of mortadella, we can't take it any more," Giuseppe Calascibetta, 46, shouted from behind bars.
Chilean policemen stopped 49 motorists for using cellular telephones while driving, only to discover that one third were pretending to talk on fake phones. "I was only doing it to look better," one driver told police.
An English law firm checked up on an attorney who failed to appear for work, summoned police and then notified the man's mother that he was dead. The company also counted the hours it had spent on the effort and billed the family $19,645.
National College expanded the mall scene by opening its new campus this week in the Mall of America in Bloomington, Minn. Offered are 17 courses, including accounting, marketing human resources, computers and business.
A Texas boy won a national contest on describing a stuffed-up nose by comparing it to having little green elves poke his nasal passages full of puffy white marshmallows while he was sleeping.
Claiming he does not usually let the trash pile up, a McPherson, Kan., man found his winning lottery ticket in a 2-week-old newspaper he had left lying around the house.
Arriving in the mail for a Bradenton, Fla., man was the wallet he had lost in 1967. Included was $200 and a note saying "the little extra will not correct my misdeed, but it may help. The wallet contained pictures of old girlfriends and even a 30-year-old condom.
Britain's opposition Labour Party has come up with a sure-fire campaign issue: It promises to give beer drinkers a glass that contains a full pint. A recent survey revealed that eight out of 10 "pints" are sold short.
The Liggett tobacco people have surrendered secret documents admitting that smoking causes cancer. It's as if Joe Camel had been named the surgeon general.
Actually, Liggett makes Chesterfield and Lark -- "the perfect smoke for discriminating plea bargainers. Those other brands only hint that you'll die, whereas we come right out and tell you."
© Karel Homepage, The Netherlands