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15. Can't buy a pair of gloves without getting two extra fingers.
14. Sure, he gets children started on the road towards harder, more profitable drugs -- but does he see a dime of it?
13. Forget about a mile -- he can't even walk to the mailbox without getting winded.
12. His brother, Roger Camel, trading on his celebrity to get recording contract.
11. Can't go to a Toys 'R Us without some kid trying to bum one off him.
10. One hump: Good. One lung: Bad.
9. Hard to buy a politician these days without ending up on CNN.
8. Those bastards at Liggett spent forty million on their new mascot -- "Mister Puffy", the cancer-ridden moose.
7. Humpday comes only once a week.
6. Every time a crime victim describes their attacker as a guy with "a face like male genitalia," he gets hauled in for a police lineup.
5. Emphysema keeps getting in the way of those "River Dance" auditions.
4. No matter how well you play the sax, Hillary still goes for the guy who doesn't even INHALE, fer crissakes.
3. "Dammit, why doesn't one of them just kill Gilligan?"
2. Indecent exposure charges whenever he blows his nose.
1. Constantly being mistaken for Joe PenisHead.
1. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew or the local Patagonia store.
4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
5. Butthead is the smart one.
6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship".
9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
11. Socks never constitute a gift.
12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
13. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
14. We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
17. Curley is the bald one.
18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
20. It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.
21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.
23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
24. No, you can't have the remote control.
25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.
Yes, love is a tire. And, even if it's bald and treadless, it's _your_ Love Tire. I know it's not romantic, but if you _really_ want to see something sad, take a walk down to the water and look at all those old tires nailed to the side of the dock. They're the pathetic, unrealistic tires waiting for their dreamboat to come in.
CLONING QUESTIONS
If you cloned Henry IV, would he be Henry V or Henry IV, Jr. or wait, Henry IV, part II?
If Michael Jackson is cloned, is it against the law for him to play with himself as a child?
Would there be a market for genetic "factory seconds" and "irregulars"?
Could they clone Al Gore, or would he have to be grafted?
Is it possible to make a clone of Kate Moss and then attach the two together to make a regular-sized person? Sure, she'd have two heads, but that would still be way more normal.
Would it work if I binged and my clone purged?
Would it be ethical to dig up the remains of our founding fathers, create clones from the bone cells, and place them in a theme park called Clonial Williamsburg?
CLONING HUMANS -- ALREADY DONE?
The news that a sheep in Scotland has been successfully cloned got me wondering. What good would it be to clone humans? What would I do with a clone of myself? for example. Then it hit me. I could have my clone go into work for me while I went out hiking, biking, skiing, etc.! I really could be in two places at once.
But wait a minute. If that's what I would do with my clone, how do I know that I'm not a clone myself? What if the original me had himself cloned and sent the clone (that is, me) in to do his work for him? The original me could be out there right now doing all those things I like to do: hiking biking or skiing.
This explains a lot:
* all those mysterious checks I find in my bank statement every month (with my signature) but don't remember writing,
* why my wife doesn't seem to notice when I've been out of town,
* why my wife thinks I get too much sex,
* all those traffic tickets I have to pay but swear I never received in the first place,
* why my friends say things like, "I thought I saw you out skiing last week," when I know I was at work,
* why whenever I go out to get the mail and happen to see the carrier, she gives me a knowing wink,
* why I keep getting fines for overdue books at the library, when I only check out CD's,
* the unexplained charges to my credit card (the one with my picture on it) from London, Paris, New York...
* the unexplained charges to that same card from motels where you pay by the hour,
I can only hope the original me never:
* gets sentenced to prison,
* enters a witness protection program,
* starts hitting on a loan shark's girl friend,
* or is named as the defendant in a paternity suit.
A HORSE AND A RABBIT
A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. He drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow again and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes.
COLD WATER
This British explorer is in the dark jungles of Africa, going where no *man* has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and troubleshooter in one.
One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man engaged in "playful activities" with 8-9 beautiful, dark, young women, all in nude. The young man had the biggest, strongest penis the Britisher had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was.
"He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir," came the reply, "This is his morning ritual."
"Ask him," the awed Brit said to his companion, "how did his penis get to be this size?"
The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation.
"Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return.
"He said, 'There's nothing wrong with my penis. Doesn't the white man's shrink in cold water?'"
PENIS ENLARGEMENT TECHNIQUE
A white guy using a public toilet looks over to see a well hung black guy using the adjoining urinal. When he asks the black guy how come he's so well endowed, the guy explains that he was brought up in a tribe in Africa, where traditionally the mother hangs a small stone on her sons penis from a young age to increase the size of it as he grows up! The weight of the stone stretches the penis, and he had the results to prove it.
The white guy is determined to improve his length and tells the black guy he's going home to tie half a house brick to his own weapon.
On bumping into the white guy a few weeks later, the black guy inquires as to whether the method is working?
"I'm halfway there," replies the guy. "Its turned black!"
OUTCOME
Patient to eye-doctor: "I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances? "
Eye-doctor to patient: "Don't worry, you won't be able to see the difference."
THE EYES HAVE IT
There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"
To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank God I'm not a gynecologist.'"
THE TOP 17 INDICATIONS YOUR VISION IS FAILING
17. Just a month before the election and Perot & Dole still look like they have a chance.
16. No more jaw-dropping double takes as Tony Randall and his 25-year old wife walk by.
15. Your Nickname at the Eye Clinic: "The Big E."
14. Halfway to day care, your son in the child seat starts barking.
13. You can no longer tell those Baldwin brothers apart.
12. Yier kefboerd seebs ti hwve a frw liffle proglems.
11. Mr. Magoo no longer quite so funny.
10. You fail to notice the approach of Roberto Alomar.
9. For an instant, you thought Bob Dole didn't look crabby.
8. New designer prescription eyeware by Hubble.
7. You notice how insipid the dialogue in "Baywatch" is.
6. Default system font now set to Times New Roman 72-point.
5. You leave Princess Di for Camilla Parker-Bowles.
4. That 'Hello, lamppost' line from Simon & Garfunkle now makes sense without a bong.
3. That Columbian runway you're landing your 747 on looks suspiciously like an Andean mountain peak.
2. You mistake the hostage for the kidnapper in the crosshairs... again.
1. You trip over yet another cow.
KEEPING ABREAST
My 6 year old daughter was looking at her mother lying on the bed and asked, "Mummy when I grew up will I have breasts like yours?" My wife tried to gently explain that, "Yes, probably, although breasts come in all shapes and sizes." My daughter immediately looked at her aghast, blurting out, "I'd absolutely HATE to have square ones!"
INFLATING BREASTS
This is a true story. My family were all together recently, just hanging around at Mom and Dad's. My sister was browsing through an almanac and laughed at a little piece of trivia she had found in the book, which she then read aloud; "Did you know that a woman's breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?"
My bother-in-law, a notorious joker, shot back, "So, how come yours don't?"
My father, from behind his newspaper and without even a pause, replied, "You're not pumping hard enough."
TOPLESS GRANNIES
Belleville, Ontario, Canada -- It's unlikely that the owners of the Screaming Tale bar had Joyce Worsley and Ada Gray in mind when they advertised for topless waitresses.
Worsley, 66, and Gray, her 85-year-old mother, turned up Tuesday to apply for jobs.
The applications were partly a lark and partly intended to deliver a message, said Worsley.
"It's a shame people have to do this," she said. "It's a shame women have to exploit themselves in this society to get a job."
With a twinkle in her eye, Gray said that, although she uses a walker to get around, "I could put a tray on my head."
On a serious note, she said it's sad that seniors and young women have so few means of supplementing their incomes and are often left to seek work that is exploitive.
The bar's owner was not in Tuesday and the bartender on duty refused to give the women applications, saying only resumes were being accepted.
Worsley handed in her resume and left a message for the bar's owner to call her. She also promised she would be back to speak with him in person.
"I live on a pension and my mother and I barely get by. If I could do this I would," she said.
The Pope proceeds down Silverado, and starts accelerating to see what the limo can do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the red & blue lights of a CHiP in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. The trooper, seeing who it is, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."
The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how to handle it.
"Is it the Governor?"
"No! Even more important!"
"Is it the PRESIDENT???"
"No sir! Even *more* important!"
"Well WHO THE HECK is it?" screams the chief.
"I don't know sir," replies the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."
And she agrees, because it helps the joke.
Here we are at the game, and in the middle of the first quarter, the first-string quarterback twists his ankle, and the second-string quarterback is put in. She starts to worry...
Sure enough, with two minutes left until half-time, the second-string quarterback gets banged up real bad on a play and gets pulled out of the game.
She gets sent in.
The very first play, she gets smeared. They load her onto a stretcher and rush her into the locker room.
The little Italian trainer says, "O.K., up on-a the table, off-a with the suit, we gonna see what-a we can do." They strip her and put her on the training table. He turns around, and takes a nice long look...
One of his assistants says, "What do you think, Tony?"
The trainer says, "Well, I'm-a gonna start up-a here, and work 'em on-a down nice and-a-slow, and-a maybe the testicles they gonna pop-a back out."
The Top 14 ways things would be different if Microsoft built BMW motorcycles. (drumroll, please...)
1. A particular model year of BMW motorcycle wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of before.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new BMW motorcycle.
3. Occasionally your BMW motorcycle would just die for no reason, you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this.
4. You could only have one person at a time on your BMW motorcycle, unless you bought a BMW motorcycle '95 or a BMW motorcycle NT, but then you'd have to buy more foot pegs.
5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your BMW motorcycle. Wait a sec, it's that way NOW!
6. Sun Motorsystems would make a BMW motorcycle that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.
7. The oil, alternator, gas, engine warning lights would be replaced with a single "General BMW motorcycle Fault" warning light.
8. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft BMW motorcycles, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.
9. We would still be waiting on the "6000 sux 58'" model to come out.
10. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).
11. Lee Iacocca would be hired-on as Bill G.'s chauffeur.
12. The US government would be GETTING subsidies from an motorcycle makers instead of giving them.
13. New seats will force everyone to have the same size ass.
14. The other bike manufacturers would all be complaining because Microsoft was putting a radio in all its models.
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