Jokes from the usenet

491.Joke for Capetonians
This young fellow and his girlfriend pull into Wynberg Park and begin getting really amorous. Slowly but surely the clothes start coming off until, unable to control herself anymore she says: "Honey, kiss me where it smells!"
So he drove her to Pinelands!
492. INSECT DRINK
a grasshopper walked into a bar and called over the bartender. we have a drink named after you, said the bartender." what eric" said the grasshopper.
493. Golf
It's their 18th wedding anniversary. Like all good husbands, he goes off to have a round of golf, and rushes home at the last minute to take his wife out for a slap-up anniversary dinner.
Over dinner, she looks deeply into his eyes, and says "So darling, are you ready for another 18?"
No, he says, it's too dark.
494. Eye transplant
Van looses his eye during a mva (motor vehicle accident). His eye surgeon tells him not to worry, medical sience can now transplant eyes with great success.The eye must just be the same colour and size.
A few months pass and Van is quite happy with his glass eye, when one day he comes across a terrible mva in the Stellenbosch area. He stoppes to help but the driver is already dead.As Van inspecs the dead guy eyes he notice that they the same colour and size of his normal eye. He takes out his swiss army knife and takes out the eye putting his glass eye in its place.Putting the donor eye in his mouth he races to his eye surgeon who preforms a 10 hour operation on Van with great success.
Another couple of months pass and Van is delighted with his new eye, but is feeling very guilty about the way he aquired his new eye. He calls the local police explaining to them what he did. Thanks goodness the policeman responds, now we can finally close this case, we wonderd how this guy could drive from Gauteng with two glass eyes!
495. Church joke
New song leader wanted to livin up the congregation so he had this big dictionery on the pulpit and said, I will drop this dictionary and where ever it opens I will close my eyes and point to a word and say the word, then see if you can think of a song in the hymnal having to do with that word and we will sing it. Soooo, he dropped the dictionary and pointed, and the first word was WATER. One fellow right away said, Shall We Gather at the River, so they sung Shall we gather at the river. Then the leader dropped the dictionary again and pointed and the word was WOOD, so one lady said The old Rugged Cross. and they sung it. The last time he dropped the book and point and the word was SEX. So, everyone was surprised and trying to figure out what song in the hymnal had to do with sex, and after a long while a little old lady about 75 years old, jumped up and said "Precious Memories!".
496. Nuns in Heaven...
Four nuns just happened to die at the same time. Outside the pearly gates of heaven, they meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them, "Welcome sisters."
He says to the first one, "Before I let you in I have to know, have you ever touched a penis before?"
The first sister says, "Yes St. Peter, I have. With my finger."
So St. Peter says, "okay, just dip your finger in the holy water and you're free to go inside."
He asks the second sister, "Have you ever touched a penis before?"
She says, "Yes, St. Peter, with my hand."
So St. Peter says, "Okay, just dip your hand in the holy water and you're free to go inside."
St. Peter asks the third nun, "Have you ever touched a penis before?" Just then, the fourth nun pushes the third nun aside and says to St. Peter,
"If you think I'm going to gargle with that holy water after she puts her ass in it, you've got another thing coming."
497. Engineers in hell...
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great.
We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
498. The Operation... A politician awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around him. "Why are the curtains closed," he said. "Is it night?"
A nurse replied, "No, it is just that there is a fire across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful."
499. Top 10 things not to say to a cop when you get pulled over...
10. Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
9. Wanta race to the station, Sparky?
8. I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!
7. On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
6. You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!
5. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
4. Hey wasn't your daughter a pork queen?
3. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
2. Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
1. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunk'in Doughnuts has a 3 for 1 special!
500. The Eel...
Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother.
'Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.
'I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and gettin all out of breath. His other hand must of been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot.
'Finally, I found out what was making them so sick-- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
'When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake.
'Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.
'Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor -- lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel.
'The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.
'After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.
'Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something.
'This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.'
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