KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note. Romantic but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sears and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves, and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:

Darling,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones which are easy to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she was wearing for the past weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on and she looked smart.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them Friday night.

All My Love,

The following morning the man presented her with $25.00. As he prepared to leave she demanded the rest of the money stating "If you don't give me the money I'll sue you for it." He laughed saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."

The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as defendant in a law suit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said: "She can't possibly get a judgement against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

In court after the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your Honour, my client, this lady here, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specific length of time for the sum of $50.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises he paid only $25.00 which is only half the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgement to be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way the opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore, was somewhat altered from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your Honour, my client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property, around which he placed his stones, sunk a shaft and erected a pump, all labour being performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property adequately compensated for rental of said property. We therefore, ask judgement be not granted."

The young lady's lawyer come back was this: "Your Honour: My client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property and that he did make improvements such as my opponent has described. However, had the defendant not known the well existed, he would never have rented the property, also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to little children. We therefore, ask that judgement be granted."

She got judgement.

MORAL:

When a fly drops six inches, a pussy is bound to get wet!

Reporter: "Does Mr. Brown live here?
She: "He does."
He: "Is he in?"
She: "No."
He: "I understand that he found a nugget of gold weighing 12 pounds."
She: (Seeing the joke) "Yes, he found one."
He: "Can you show me the spot where he found it?"
She: "I'm afraid Mr. Brown would object as it is private."
He: "Is the hole very far from here?"
She: "No, it is quite near."
He: "Has Mr. Brown been working the claim long?"
She: "No, only about ten months."
He: "Has he reached the bottom yet?"
She: "No, but he is very near."
He: "Was Mr. Brown the first to work it?"
She: "Well, he thinks he was."
He: "Has he been working the claim regularly since he found it?"
She: "No, but I told him last night it was time to start again."
He: "I suppose he works it secretly?"
She: "Yes, mostly every night."
He: "Do you help him?"
She: "I do my best."
He: "Do you think he will sell the claim?"
She: "I doubt it, he gets so much pleasure out of working it."
He: "Did he blast it out with nitroglycerine?"
She: "No, he used Vaseline and kept digging."
He: "Has he widened the hole any?"
She: "Yes, a little."
He: "How big is the hole?"
She: "Well, about normal size, I suppose."
He: "Is he going to improve the mine any?"
She: "Yes, he said he was going to white wash the shaft tonight."
He: "Does he work alone at night?"
She: "No, I hold it for him and we split 50/50."
He: "Is he an expert at it?"
She: "Well, he does good work."
He: "Would you mind showing me the gold nugget?"
She: "Certainly." (Then she brought out the 12 pound baby boy and they carried the reporter to the hospital.)

(Cosmopolitan, October 1996)

THE LONG AND THE SHORT:
According to the Kinsey Institute, the biggest erect penis on record measures 13 inches. The smallest tops off at 1 3/4 inches.

HOTDOG HELPERS:
The Caramoja tribe of northern Uganda tie a weight on the end of their penises to elongate them--sometimes to such a degree that the men literally have to knot them up--while the Mambas of New Hebrides wrap theirs in yards and yards of cloth, making them look up to 17 inches long.

DOUBLE TROUBLE
In 1609, a doctor named Wecker found a corpse in Bologna with two penises. Since then, there have been eighty documented cases of men similarly endowed.

SO LONG THE NIGHT:
Among the Mangaians of Polynesia, 18-year-old couples make love an avaerage of three times a night, every night, until their thirties, when the weekly average drops to a mere 14.

FAST LANE:
The maximum speed at which erotic sensations travel from skin to brain has been clocked at 156 miles per hour.

COITUS SEMI-INTERRUPTUS:
A honeymooning couple are suing Holiday Inn for ten thousand dollars, claiming their sex life is now dysfunctional because an employee mistakenly walked in on them on their wedding night.

LES LIAISONS DANGEREUSES:
At least 500 Americans die each year from asphyxia in an attempt to lessen oxygen flow to the brain in order to induce a more powerful orgasm.

NOBLESSE OBLIGE:
England's King Edward VII, a man of considerable heft, had a special table built so that he could comfortably engage in sexual intercourse.

It was considered elegant for aristocratic ladies of the sixteenth century to let their pubic hair grow as long as possible so it could be pomaded and adorned with bows and ribbon.

In fourteenth-century Europe, high-ranking noblemen were permitted to display their genitals below a short tunic, while those not impressively endowed could, if they chose, wear a leather falsie called a braquette.

MISSIONARIES TAKE NOTE:
Given today's average frequency of sexual intercourse, it would take the typical American couple more than four years to try every one of the 529 positions described in the Kama Sutra.

GALLIC WAY OF DEATH:
French President Francois Faure expired in a bordello in 1899 during the act of copulation, which so terrified his lady of the evening that her vagina constricted intractably, necessitating the surgical removal of the dead man's member.

JUST SAY HOWDY:
When men of the Walibri tribe of central Australia greet each other, they shake penises instead of hands.

BONBON MOTS:
"There may be some things that are better than sex, and their may be some things that are worse. But there is nothing exactly like it."
--W.C. Fields

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent because they know the most important thing is that you are together.
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
No dog ever voted to confirm Clarence Thomas.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
Dogs are good with kids.
Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
Gorgeous dogs don't know they are gorgeous.
The worst social disease you can get from your dog is fleas. (okay...the *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
Dogs understand what no means.
Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.
Dogs understand if some of their friends can not come inside.
Dogs do not read at the table.
Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
You can house train a dog.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.
Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.
Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
Dogs admit it when they are lost.
Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
Dogs look at your eyes.
Dogs like your size.
Dogs do not care whether or not you shave your legs.
Dogs are color blind.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs are nice to your relatives.
Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.

"James, how did I come to be in this bed?"

"You came home very late and very tired, my lady."

"But James, I'm undressed and in my nightgown!"

"I could not let you spoil your beautiful dress, my lady."

"Good lord James, do you mean you undressed me and put me to bed without my knowing it?"

"Yes, my lady."

"James, tell the truth, was I tight?"

"Not after the first time, my lady."

A hotel manager noticed the pastry chef was using his false teeth to cut biscuits.

"How dare you do that?" demanded the manager. "Don't you have a tool for this?"

"Yes," replied the chef, "but I'm saving it for the doughnuts."

A guy goes into a bar and starts to hit on a girl. Things go very well for the both of them and they eventually end up at his place. After a passionate night of playing kissy face and pressy body, they fall asleep. The next morning, the guy wakes and looks at the girl and says, "By the way, I didn't ask you if you ever had AIDS." The girl promptly denies this. The guy then says, "That's a relief. I'd hate to catch that again!

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Farmer's Weekly. He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."

He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay." He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and claims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can I tell?"