KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

What's the difference between spit, swallow and gargle?

Love.. True love.. and just pure showing off!!

1. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you.
2. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
4. Tell the widow that you're the deceasd's gay lover.
5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
7. Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.
8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
9. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.
11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
13. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.
15. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.
16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased' gambling debts.
20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.
21. Put crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.
22. Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.
23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
24. When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.
25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
26. At the cemetary take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
29. Tell everyone you're from the tax office and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.
30. Promise the minister a hundred pounds if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased.

24) Not the ripest apple on the tree
23) Not the sharpest crayon in the box...
22) A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
21) The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
20) Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
19) He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
18) Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
17) Forgot to pay his brain bill.
16) A few clowns short of a circus.
15) If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
14) Too much yardage between the goal posts.
13) An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
12) A few beers short of a six-pack.
11) A few peas short of a casserole.
10) Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
9) One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
8) One taco short of a combination plate.
7) A few feathers short of a whole duck.
6) Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
5) An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
4) As smart as bait.
3) His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
2) Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
1) Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.

Little old lady goes into the shops to buy some broccoli. She can't find anywhere, and calls the manager. "Young man, do you have any broccoli?" "No Ma'am, I'm afraid we are fresh out of broccoli." "OK" and off she wanders to the frozen goods section.

She looks in vain for some frozen broccoli, can't find any and calls the manager. "Young man, do you have any frozen broccoli?" "No Ma'am, I'm afraid we are right out of broccoli." "OK" and off she wanders to the canned goods section.

She looks desperately for some canned broccoli, can't find any and calls the manager. "Young man, do you have any canned broccoli?" "Let me ask you a question ma'am" he says. Can you spell "'cat' as in catatonic?" "Oh yes, C-A-T". "Very good - now can you spell 'dog' as in dogmatic?" "Oh yes, D-O-G". "Excellent - now can you spell 'fuck' as in broccoli?" "But young man, there is no 'fuck' in broccoli".

"That's what I've been trying to tell you ma'am".

This very, very ugly woman walks into a pub with a parrot on her shoulder. She approaches the first sailor in sight and says "If you can guess what I have on my shoulder then I am yours for the night" He has a good look at her and says "A crocodile!!" And she says "That's close enough !!!!"

Gorrilla walks in a bar one day and no one looks surprised, I was a little worried but no one paid any attention. The gorrilla walks up to the bar and asked the bar tender for an ice cold glass of draft beer. the bar tender pulls the beer and hands it to the gorrilla and the gorrilla shoots it right down in one gulp. The bar tender says "that will be $10.00!". the gorrilla looked very upset, grumbling under his breath but he did reach in his fur and pulled out a $10.00 bill and gave it to the bartender. Then the bar tender said "we dont get many gorrillas in here" The gorrilla said, "no damned wonder what with beer at $10.00 a glass!"

Two rugby fans have spent the night at a bar watching a game on the telly. As their team had won the game they quickly got sloshed. At three in the morning they were finally kicked out of the bar and they came strolling down the road looking for a lift home. Singing and swerving down the road the one drunk saw a cop standing on a corner across the road. Turning to his friend he said "Hey Piet, go ask that cop what time the bus from Silverton is coming."
Leaving his friend hanging onto a parking meter Pier staggered across the road to the cop.
"S'cuse me sergeant, what time is the bus from Silverton due to arrive?" he asked.
"Sir, it's three in the morning, there is no busses from anywhere arriving until morning." replied the cop. "'Kay Thanks." said Piet and headed back to his friend. "Jan the sergeant says there is no bus from Silverton arriving tonight." he reported. Jan, still hanging onto the parking meter told Piet to go back to the cop and find out about the bus from Verwoerdburg. Again Piet crossed the road and walked up to the cop.
"S'cuse me corpral, what time is the bus from Verwoerdburg due to arrive?"
"Sir, I've told you there is no busses due tonight, can't you see it's three in the morning?" replies the cop.
"'Kay Thanks" says Piet and again he staggers back to his friend Jan.
"Jan he says there is no bus from Verwoerdburg tonight." he informs Jan.
Jan, who by now has let go of the parking meter and is sitting on the sidewalk asks him to return to the cop and find out about the bus from Rosslyn.
After a lot of swerving Piet again arrives at the cop.
"S'cuse me leftennent, what time is the bus from Rosslyn arriving?" he asks.
"Sir, I've now told you twice, here is no busses tonight. It's three in the morning and everything's closed!" replied the cop, who by now is getting irritated.
"'Kay thanks." replies Piet and heads back to Jan.
Waking Jan from a little nap on the sidewalk he wakes him and tells him that there is no busses from Rosslyn due to arrive. This time Jan asks him to find out about the bus from Waverley.
Heading back Jan arrives at the cop.
"S'cuse me Captain, what time is the bus from Waverley due to arrive?" he asks. The cop, by now pissed off, replies "Sir I've told you again and again that there is no busses from anywhere arriving tonight. If you ask me one more time you'll spend the night in jail!"
"'Kay, 'kay don't get upset. Sheesh!" replies Piet and heads back.
"Jan, the cop says there is no busses from Waverley due to arrive tonight." he reports.
"Good" replies Jan as he slowly gets up. "Then it should be safe to cross the road."

Two parents were up in their room consulting about their children,because they were swearing very much. They decided that they would punish them every time they swear.

The father went to work and the mother went down to the breakfast table. She asked her first son:"What would you like for breakfast?"
"Just give me some goddam cornflakes!", he replied.
The mother hit her son with her fist, gave him a knee in the groin, and as the son were lying on the ground, kicked him several times in the ribs.

She turned calmly to her second son, who stared at his brother now lying on the ground, bleeding and mouning softly, and asked him:"And what would you like for breakfast, my son?"

He looked at her with big eyes, and answered:" I sure as shit don't want any goddam cornflakes!!"

SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE MISSING LEMON

One day Sherlock Holmes and Watson sat down to enjoy their favourite lunch of fish and chips. Just as they were about to tuck in, Holmes suddenly stood up and shouted.

"Watson stand up!"

Confused, Watson stood up.

"Watson! Drop your trousers!" he barked.

Worried, Watson loosened his belt and dropped his trousers.

"Watson! Bend over!" Holmes ordered.

Watson bent over.

Holmes then plucked the wedge of lemon from Watson's plate and shoved it straight up Watson's arse.

Watson screamed "In God's name Holmes what on earth are you doing?"

To which Holmes calmly replied "A lemon-entry my dear Watson ... a lemon-entry ..."

Dear Sir,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous, and after being married for 7 years and having 7 children I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are totally useless.

After getting married I was advised to use the 'Rhythm Method'. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha Cha Cha.

A doctor suggested using the 'Safe Period'. At the time we were living with in-laws and had to wait for 3 weeks for a safe period when the house was empty. Needless to say, this didn't work.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love whilst breast feeding we would be alright. It's hardly Newcastle Brown Ale, but I did finish up with clear skin, silky hair and felt very healthy, and my wife was pregnant.

Another old wives' tale we heard was that if my wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. After constant breast feeding, including my earlier attempts, if my wife jumped up and down she would finish up with two black eyes and eventually knock herself unconscious.

I asked a chemist about the 'Sheath'. The chemist demonstrated how easy it was to use, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't really surprise me as I fail to see how a durex stretched over the thumb, as the chemist showed, can prevent babies.

She was supplied with the 'Coil' and after several unsuccessful attempts to fit it, we realised we had got a left hand thread and my wife is definately a right hand screw.

The 'Dutch Cap' came next; we were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all, but alas it did give my wife severe headaches. We were given the largest size available but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the 'Pill'. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started putting it between her knees, thus preventing me getting anywhere near her; this did work for a while until the night she forgot the Pill.

You must appreciate my problem. If this operation is unsuccessful, I will have to revert to oral sex, although just talking about it can never substitute for the real thing.

Yours faithfully,