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| 521. Traffic Violations
CHEWED OUT As a police officer, I thought that I'd encountered every imaginable response from speeding motorists I pull over. Until, that is, I was chewed out by a woman in her late 30s. "Here," she said with a huff as she handed me her cellular phone. "My mother wants to talk to you!"
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= My husband and I were on our way home when he was pulled over for speeding. As the patrolman returned his driver's license, my husband, hoping for leniency, sheepishly asked, "Officer, did you notice that yesterday was my birthday?" "As a matter of fact, I did," the officer replied, "because that's when your license expired."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= From Herb Caen's column in the San Francisco Chronicle: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture -- of handcuffs.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= A young man was pulled over by the Louisiana state police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "What chew driving so fast for boy? You going to a fahr? Let me see your license, boy." The young man handed over his license. Then the officer noticed that the back seat of his car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?" The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler." The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!" The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint. Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern Billy Bob was drinking it up with Homer T. Ratcliff. He soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. All of a sudden Billy Bob spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Homer T. Ratcliff. When Homer got on the phone he said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on 442. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!!" 522. The tomcat A man visits his next door neighbour and is amazed to see his tomcat playing the piano. "Thats amazing!, what song is he playing?" "I don't know, he made it up" "It sounds great, You should have it orchestrated!" Hearing this the tomcat runs away and is never seen again. 523. Air Force AIR FORCE MAINTENANCE COMPLAINTS Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I was an Air Force ICBM launch control officer in South Dakota. Two officers pulled 24-hour alerts in a launch control center that was surrounded by several Minuteman II silos. The facility and the silos were separated by several miles. We were not allowed to leave the "capsule" until relieved the next day, and we were supported by several on-site personnel in the support building upstairs. The capsules were Spartan, but each boasted a small refrigerator and a small microwave. On one tour of duty, the cook called down around lunch time and informed us that she was cleaning her oven and that hot food would be unavailable for a short time. Later, around supper time, she called down again and apologized that she had dismantled her oven to clean it, was having trouble reassembling it, and would again be unable to heat our food orders. We were somewhat annoyed, but, being the kinder, gentler military officers we were, told her "No problem. Just send down the frozen meals and we'll 'nuke' them ourselves." Several seconds of dead silence on the phone followed before she whispered, "You can DO that?" 524. 21 Types of People You Might Meet in the Men's Room May not be suitable for young children
1 EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips
shorts. 525. Six-month cruise An Italian kid, on a six-month cruise in the Navy, decides to send pictures to his mom and girlfriend. He takes a picture of himself naked, then rips it in half, intending to send the top half to his mother and the bottom half to his girlfriend. But he mixes them up. When his mother gets his letter, she looks at the picture and says, "Atsa my Luigi ... long nose, droopy cheeks, and don't-a never shave." 526. Polar bear A baby polar bear goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, am I a polar bear?" His mother says, "Of course you're a polar bear. I'm a polar bear and your father's a polar bear." The cub says, "But am I one-hundred per cent pure polar bear?" She says, "Go ask your old man." The baby polar bear goes up to his father and says, "Pop, am I a polar bear? I mean, one-hundred percent pure polar bear?" His father says, "Of course you're a polar bear. I'm a polar bear, your mother's a polar bear, both my parents were polar bears, both of your mother's parents were polar bears, all of our grandparents, both sides, were polar bears...yes, you're one-hundred percent pure polar bear. Why do you ask?" The cub says, "Because I'm fucking freezing." 527. He stopped yelling The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay. It began: "Daddy fell into the well last week..." "My goodness!" the teaher exclaimed. "Is he all right?" "He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday." 528. New York City NATURE OF PROOF A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement. "Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" asked the judge. "I'm a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof," said the man. "Yes go on," said the astounded judge. "Well. I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and got in another line. And filled out my forms for another card. And got back in line for my card." "Yes go on," said the judge. "And he asked, 'Can you prove you're from New York City?' so I stabbed him."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= 10. The city does not employ so-called "wallet inspectors." 9. Remember: regular hot dogs do not have fingernail. 8. Yelling at cabdrivers in English wastes your time and theirs. 7. John Gotti always has the right of way. 6. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you. 5. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard. 4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline. 3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers. 2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it. 1. If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't. 529. Classical Music CLASSICAL MUSIC "People who don't like classical music just don't listen to it loud enough." --My guitar instructor, in a discussion of why he switched from writing blues/rock songs to classical.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= I had been trying to get my friend Mike -- a rock 'n' roll fan -- interested in classical music. When I offered to purchase tickets to a Mozart festival, he willingly agreed to accompany me and seemed to enjoy the symphony. After the concert, I mentioned how Mozart's music moved me. "At times, I can almost hear his voice in his music and I feel as though he's talking to me," I gushed. Mike nodded his head in solemn agreement. "Yes," he said. "I know what you mean." Feeling very pleased that I had made a "convert," I asked what he felt the music was saying to him. He replied, "It said 'Go to sleep, Michael. Go to sleep.'"
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= In Cleveland, a guest conductor was driven crazy at rehearsals because at least one member of the orchestra was always missing. After the last rehearsal, he tapped for attention and said, "I want to thank the first violinist publicly for being the only man in the entire orchestra who had the decency to attend every rehearsal." The first violinist hung his head. "It seemed the least I could do," he said in a remorseful tone. "You see, I don't expect to show up for the concert tonight." 530. Stock Market SERMON The minister of a church in New York's financial district ended his sermon with, "Keep one thing in mind. There will be no buying and selling of securities in heaven." One parishioner whispered to his wife, "It doesn't matter. That isn't where the stock market is going anyhow."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= A modern-day Rip Van Winkle slept for 20 years. Upon awaking he immediately called his broker. "What's the stock market done the past 20 years?" he inquired. With the aid of a computer, his broker soon was able to report that his shares of AT&T were now worth $9.5 million, his shares of General Motors worth $7.9 million, and his oil holdings had increased to $19 million. "Great!" Rip exclaimed. "I'm rich!" At which point the telephone operator interrupted and said, "Your three minutes are up, Sir. Would you please deposit a million dollars?" |
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