KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

The mall is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.

Don't get me wrong. I actually love shopping at the mall during the holidays: the sights, the sounds, the smells. The sight of red and green Christmas decorations hanging from wall and ceiling; the sound of carols being pumped into a clothing store; the smell of the Polo Sport as it lingers around the men's cologne counter at Filenes. It's just that even the most avid shopper has a limit to what they can endure.

My limit is around 6 hours.

How bad was it? Let's just say that this particular retail adventure made me experience exhaustion at an intensity I had never felt before. So exhausted I became delusional.

It all started innocently enough, as I accompanied a friend who had an errand to run several towns away from the mall. The plan? I would walk around the mall while he went on his errand. He would pick me up in "a couple of hours."

The best laid plans of mice and men.

Those "couple of hours" soon turned into three... then four... then five... then six. And what did I do those long hours?

I browsed around the stores. Or should I say, I browsed around the same stores several times. I can now tell you exactly how many different types of silk ties Macys sells, how many New Age CD's Sam Goody has in stock, and how many tiles line the floor at Filenes.

And you know what? After a while, Waldo is pretty easy to find.

I ate in the Food Court. After my stay went past the two hour mark, I knew that I had to eat something to keep up my strength (for all of that above browsing). I flirted with Chinese, but realized it wasn't worth waiting in line behind 36 other people. I thought about pizza, but realized that the dough might weigh me down and make me even more tired. So, I decided on four Mrs. Fields Chocolate Chip Cookies and a Pepsi.

Did you know she puts 15 1/2 chips in every cookie?

I went to the bathroom. More than once.

I watched a lot of weird people go by. It's amazing how many odd and/or dangerous people can be seen at the mall. I saw several people talking to themselves, and rather enjoying it. I saw a guy in a long coat who looked like he was going to whip out a shotgun any second and hold the entire Warner Brothers store for ransom. And then there was the guy in the very nice Armani suit... and a baseball cap. I've never quite understood that particular fashion choice.

And I swear I saw actress Morgan Brittany eating a cheeseburger at Joe's American Bar and Grill.

I made love to several beautiful women who walked by. I told you I was delusional.

I swore a lot. To myself, of course. At least I think it was to myself. Is that why the sales clerk at Sears looked at me strange?

But most of all, I just sat on a bench and waited and waited and waited and waited. This is self-explanatory.

So, the holiday season is upon us, and you are going to be traveling to the mall on many, many shopping excursions. This year, think of me when you are walking through the mall, gathering your gifts as quickly as possible. Think of me as you glide through the stores in retail Nirvana, gleefully making your purchases with a smile because you know you can leave anytime you want, jump into your car, and go home to a warm, friendly sofa and a cup of Swiss Miss. Think of me, sitting on the edge of the Food Court, reading the newspaper for the second time, downing my third Mochalatta, alternating between fits of caffeine frenzy and a dreamlike trance. Think of me when you don't have to stand in one spot so long that people who are mumbling to invisible allies think that you want to hang out with them near the pretzel kiosk.

And, oh yeah, Happy Holidays.

WHAT DO YOU DO

What do you do when your opponent claims to have found his ball in the rough and you know he's a liar because his ball is in your pocket?

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HOLE-IN-ONE

Farmington, Connecticut -- Bill Morse's hole-in-one had fellow golfers in stitches.

Teeing off on the first hole Saturday at the Country Club, Morse drove his ball through a large spruce tree about 50 yards away. The ball proceeded to bounce off rocks near a cart path, reverse direction, and land on the left front of the 18th green before rolling about 30 feet into the cup.

"It was a once-in-a-century shot and the funniest thing I've ever seen on a golf course," Morse said. "When the ball started rolling, it looked like a perfect pitch shot. Everyone began chanting, 'Go in, go in."'

When the ball disappeared into the hole, Morse raised his arms in triumph, then fell down in laughter along with everyone else.

A former club champion, Morse had a legitimate hole-in-one two years ago at -- of all places -- the 205-yard 18th hole at Farmington.

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PC COUNTRY CLUB

Did you hear about the politically correct country club? They no longer refer to their golfers as having handicaps. Instead they're "stroke challenged."

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GOLF

Henry and Emma Black were up in years, but still played golf, their favorite game. Naturally, they were deliberate, even slow at moving along from hole to hole. An impatient man behind them kept needling them to move faster, ever faster until Henry grew sick and tired of his remarks. "Listen, young man," he growled at the impatient fellow behind them. "I was a golfer, playing regularly before you were born."

"OK, OK," the younger fellow said, "but I'd sure appreciate it if you'd try to finish before I die."

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POOR CADDIE

"J.R., are you going to make that poor caddie lug that couch all over the course after you?" he was asked.

"Caddie, my eye," explained J.R. "That's my psychiatrist."

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SENIOR PGA TOUR

Golfer George Archer, on how his many surgically replaced body parts could affect his status on the Senior PGA Tour: "My knee's only a few months old, my back is only 17, and I recently got a new hip. I might be too young now.

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A FELONY?: Is "felony" sex with a cat?

Because if it is... no.

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Dub had decided to wait in the car while Vern took a look around. Vern talked to one of the students there, and asked his what classes he needed to take. He told him he needed to take Math, Art and Logic. "What's Logic" Vern asked.

The student said, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?" he asked. "Yes" Vern replied.

"Then you must have a lawn", the student said.

Again Vern told him yes. "Then if you have a lawn you must have a house."

Vern said "Ya, I've got a house." said Vern. "If you have a house, you must be married." Vern told him he did have a Wife. "If you have a wife you must be a heterosexual." Vern admitted he was a heterosexual.

"That's logic" the student told him. Later, Vern returned to the car. Dub asked him what he though. He told his that he has to take Math, Art , and Logic. "What's logic?" Dub asked.

"I'll show you." Vern said. "Do you have a weed eater?" he asked.

"No." Dub replied.

Vern said, "Than you're a fag!"

"I'm a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof." said the man.

"Yes go on." said the astounded judge.

"Well. I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and got in another line. And filled out my forms for another card. And got back in line for my card."

"Yes go on." said the judge.

"And he asked 'Can you prove you`re from New York City?' So I stabbed him."

Things are never so overwhelming when you learn to live one day at a time. Occasionally it's a good idea to write up your obituary and print it in the paper. List your accomplishments. Where you came from. Who you loved. Who survived you.

An obituary really defines your life. It lets you and others truly appreciate what you've done in the little squirt of time you've spent on the planet. And it entitles you to be "reborn" and begin your life anew.

Also, be sure to send copies of the obit to all the people you owe money to. Maybe they'll stop bugging you.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM MINNESOTA WHEN ...

1. You own only three spices... Salt, Pepper & Ketchup.

2. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

3. You know Ole & Lena personally.

4. You've spent the last 15 minutes getting your child dressed to play in the snow only to have him tell you he has to go to POTTY Now....

5. You design your Halloween costumes to fit over snowmobile suits.

6. You feel warm and toasty at -12 degrees.

7. You know what leaves make good toilet paper.

8. You know the four seasons -- Winter, Still Winter, Not Winter & Almost Winter.

9. Though you're not breaking the law, you break into a cold sweat when the game warden appears.

10. You owe more money on your Snowmobile than your car.

11. You think the opening of Deer Season is a National Holiday.

12. You thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary.

13. You find -40 degrees only a mite chilly.

14. You think everyone from a different state has an accent.

15. Your husband thinks sexy lingerie is a flannel nightgown with only eight buttons.

16. You've ever taken you kids trick or treating in a blizzard.

17. You find it exciting to stare through a hole in the ice and look at the bottom.

18. You have ten favorite recipes for venison.

19. You can tell the difference between a gopher and a chipmunk at 300 yards.

20. You think white rice is exotic and wild rice is hot dish.

21. You've attended a formal affair, in your best dress, wearing your finest jewelry and your Sorrels.

22. Somewhere in the state is a piece of frozen metal with bits of your tongue stuck to it.

23. At least 3 times a year your kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

24. When you win the prize for the smallest fish, you're proud of it.

OUT OF GAS

On his daily 30-mile commute to college, my brother ran out of gas and pulled his car to the side of the rural highway. Almost immediately, another car slowed down and parked right in front of him.

Thank goodness, he thought. A ride and so quickly! He grabbed his school books, locked his doors, ran up to the car and jumped in on the passenger side. "Boy, am I glad to see you," my brother said to the other driver.

"Why?" said the man. "I just ran out of gas."

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GAS PRICES

A pessimist sees a rise in gas prices as having less money to spend elsewhere. An optimist sees it as taking less time to put in $3 worth.

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USED CAR LINGO

MUST SELL ... before it blows up.

RUNS FINE ... I was going to say "runs excellent" but I had a last-minute conscience attack.

NEEDS SOME BODY WORK ... was blind sided by a Winnebego.

WELL-MAINTAINED ... I changed the oil occasionally.

LOOKS LIKE NEW ... just don't try to drive it anywhere.

ALL ORIGINAL ... I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.

LOADED WITH OPTIONS ... each one more troublesome than the next.

NEVER SMOKED IN ... unfortunately, that's the best thing I can say about it.

PROJECT CAR ... doesn't run.

LOTS OF POTENTIAL ... doesn't run.

NEEDS MINOR REPAIR ... doesn't run.

FORGETFUL

At a commuter train station a policeman noticed a woman driver bowed over the steering wheel of her car.

"Is there anything wrong?" said the policeman.

Half crying and half laughing the woman responded, "For ten years I have driven my husband to the station to catch his train. This morning I forgot him!"

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INSCRIPTIONS

Working at a jewelry store, I often arrange for brides and grooms to have their wedding bands engraved with initials, their wedding date or some meaningful phrase. One day a bride-to-be asked for suggestions as to what should be written inside her groom's ring. "We aren't very romantic," she warned me. "We're marrying on his birthday, so he won't forget the date."

"Isn't there something you'll want him to remember as he looks inside his ring?" I asked.

"There sure is," she said. And that's how Put It Back On! came to be inscribed inside her husband's ring.

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A GOOD EXCUSE

"I'm really angry, Eddy," his wife screamed at him. "I've been holding dinner for you for two hours. Where on earth have you been?"

"I've been standing in the lake, waiting for it to get dark," he replied.

"Why on earth would you do a silly thing like that?" she asked.

"I lost my swimming trunks."

GRANDMA'S BOYFRIENDS

My widowed grandma recently announced to the family that she has FOUR boyfriends!! This came as quite a shock to us. We wanted to know who they were and she said, "I get up in the morning with 'Will Power,' I take my daily walks with 'Arthur Itis,' I come home with 'Charlie Horse' and I go to bed with 'Ben Gay.'"

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THE TOP 16 SIGNS YOUR GRANDMOTHER MAY BE A SERIAL KILLER

16. That Afghan she's been knitting? 100% human hair.

15. Bone fragments in her mincemeat pies.

14. A sudden fondness for serving Figgy Pudding, while Mr. Figgy down the road has been missing for over a week.

13. Complains that her freezer just doesn't have enough head room.

12. Trash bags of "rose clippings" are awfully damn heavy and smell like hell.

11. Her collection of antique thimbles includes thumbs.

10. After every evening homicide report, carves another notch in the arm of her rocker.

9. Doesn't serve Crab Louie on Melba toast, serves Louie and Melba.

8. Arrives at her own surgery with replacement organs in-hand.

7. Mistakenly served her bridge club actual lady fingers.

6. You've never heard of a church that has midnight mass EVERY night.

5. Nothing to show for her six marriages except a well-stocked freezer.

4. You don't get homemade chicken noodle soup, you get head-of-the-kid-next-door-who-wouldn't-turn-his-radio-down soup.

3. Has a bumper sticker that reads: "Ask me about my latest victim."

2. That funny feeling you get when she's in her room with the lights off and "Helter Skelter" turned up full blast on the ol' Victrola.

1. Accidentally sends you her manifesto and mails a letter about her hip replacement to the Washington Post.