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| 541. Kids Will Say the Darndest Things
SPEAKER SAVVY When flooding forced many people in our area to higher ground, my niece's family stayed with us. We set up a police scanner hoping to get news of their neighborhood, but when it crackled to life, an unintelligible voice squawked from the speaker. My niece's two-year-old daughter toddled over to it and said, "A cheeseburger Happy Meal, please."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= The other day, my 3 year old daughter and her 5 year old brother, still possessing the innocence of youth, were bathing together. At one point, and with complete sincerity, my daughter turned to my wife and said, "You know, Mommy, there's just something I like about penises." I guess it's not too early to get that shotgun...
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= This story is true and occurred when my daughters were about 8 and 5. We were watching the Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen movie 'Red Dawn' one day. There's a scene where the bad guys line up the patriots for execution. Just before they're shot, they begin to sing our 'National Anthem'. When they do get shot, my 8-year-old says, somewhat troubled, 'Daddy, why did they shoot those people?' Before I could answer, my 5-year-old took her thumb out of her mouth and said very seriously, 'Because they weren't singing very well.....'. Yeah, she's still pretty twisted.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction. A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go. Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't why you should. Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there. Rain is saved up in cloud banks. Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like umbrellas. A monsoon is a French gentleman. The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom. To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow. Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I have never been able to make out the numbers. In some rocks, you can find the fossil footprints of fishes. A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population. A city purifies its water by filtering it and then forcing it through an aviator. 542. Childbirth THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN & WOMEN Forgive me if I've told you my birthing class story: I think it was the next to last class. The instructor says: "So, you're on the way to the hospital, and your partner suddenly says, 'I think the baby is coming out.' What do you do?" Everyone answers in chorus. All the women say "pull over." All the men say "step on the gas."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?" "The stork brought you to us." "Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked. "Oh, the stork brought us too." "So... how were grandpa and grandma born?" "Well, darling, the stork brought them too," said the mother. The next day the boy handed in his paper to the teacher. It read, "This report is impossible to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?" The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain." "I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks. "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..." "Like this?" "A little more..." "Like this?" "No. A little more..." "Like this?" "Yes. Does that hurt?" "A little bit." "Now stretch it over your head!" 543. THE SHIT LIST GHOST SHIT - that's the kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit on the toilet paper, but there is no shit in the toilet. CLEAN SHIT - the kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. SECOND WAVE SHIT - it happens when you are done shitting, you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to shit some more. BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT OR THE POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD SHIT - the kind where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke. RICHARD SIMMONS SHIT - the kind where you shit so much you lose 30 pounds. CORN SHIT - self explanatory. LINCOLN LOG SHIT - the kind of shit that is so huge that you are afraid to flush the toilet without breaking it into a few pieces with your toilet brush. DRINKERS SHIT - that's the kind of shit that you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the tread marks left on the bottom of the toilet. GEE, I WISH I COULD SHIT, SHIT - it's the kind where you want to shit, but all you can do is sit on the toilet cramped and fart a few times. BLOODY SHIT - self explanatory. SPINAL TAP SHIT - that's the kind where it hurts so much coming out that you swear it was leaving you sideways. WET CHEEKS SHIT OR THE POWER DUMP - that's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water. LIQUID SHIT - the kind where yellowish brown liquid shoots out of your ass, splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl and chronically burns your tender anus. MEXICAN FOOD SHIT - a class all its own. 544. Computer Acronyms & Definitions USEFUL ACRONYMS
PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
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Title: Glossary for Computer Lover's Recipes #1
1. ACCELERATOR: Microwave 545. Tickle Me Elmos LAST THING What is the last thing a Tickle Me Elmo Doll gets at the factory? Two test tickles.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Somerset, Mass. -- A domestic argument left a man dazed last week after his estranged wife used a Tickle Me Elmo doll to club him on the head and knock him down, police said. Heidi J. Souza, 34, of 1473 County Street, hit Thomas K. Souza, 34, of 206 Lepes Rd., so hard with the red furry doll that when a police officer arrived, a stunned Thomas Souza was bleeding from his left cheek. Souza, who is separated from her husband, was charged with violating a restraining order and assault and battery with a dangerous weapon. 546. Martinis DRY MARTINIS A gentleman walks into a bar and explains to the bartender, "Sir, I would like a martini, but I'm very particular as to how it's made. It must be extremely dry." The barkeep replies, "Sir, we are world famous for our dry martinis. I'm sure you'll be satisfied." "But, how do I know you make a really dry martini?" asked the customer. The barkeep answered, "Sir, do you see the men's room down the hall? Well, the only fixtures in there are a broom and a dustpan."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= A new forestry graduate receives his first 5-year posting way out in the middle of a huge forest with no people around for miles. Included in the survival gear that they give him is, much to his surprise, a martini kit. When he asks why he's receiving a martini kit, he gets told, "Sometime, a few years down the road when the solitude *really* starts to get to you, you're going to remember your martini kit. You're going to pull it out and start making one and before you know it you're going to have somebody looking over your shoulder saying, 'That's not the correct way to make a martini!'" 547. Definitions TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches. TELEVISION -- movie where people don't step on your feet. MOVIE -- television where people don't interrupt with unexpected visits. TRANSIT COMPANY -- group that complains of bad business when all passengers get a seat. DIVORCE -- postgraduate in School of Love. PLAYBOY -- one who shortens the day by lengthening his night. BACHELOR OF SCIENCE -- one who has mastered the science of remaining a bachelor. PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods. MAN -- a remarkable animal whose head swells when you pat his back. WOMAN -- creature who acts nice to you because she doesn't like you, or mean, because she does. PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened. LOVE -- unseen when it comes, but visible when it goes. SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it. SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut. SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink. CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed. EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are. FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western. OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve. PESSIMIST -- man who looks for a pink slip before the money in his pay envelope. EPITAPH -- a postponed compliment. IMMIGRATION -- the sincerest form of flattery. MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue. MIRACLE -- something that never happens in our generation.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= FANCY RESTAURANT: One that serves cold soup on purpose. --Doug Larson COLLEGE: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone. --Merrill Furman KISSING: A means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other. --Rene Yasenek EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, fire department and places that deliver. --Merrill Furman OPERA: When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings. BUFFET: A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself." --Lester B. Pearson BABY-SITTER: A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers. --John R. Fox TATTOO: Permanent proof of temporary insanity. --Wise & Aldrich 548. An extremely gorgeous woman A guy walked into a bar and sat down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. The first thing he noticed about her though, was her pants. They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them. After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her. "Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?" "Well," she replied, "you can start by buying me a drink." 549. Two widows Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, "Do you ever get to feeling horny?" "Yes," her friend replied. "What do you do about it?" "I usually suck on a Lifesaver." After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, "Well, what beach do you go to?" 550. revv it up, baby; and go! This younger looking man is seated at the end of the bar,when he notices a fine looking young woman walk in. He watches her awhile before offering her a drink, which she kindly excepts. As time wears on the man finally asks the woman " Take me home with you tonite?" She tells him; "That won't be possible, I'm on my menstrual cycle" He replies: " No problem, I'll follow you, I'm on my moped!" |
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