KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

After a saturday night out, a guy comes home bringing a new 'acquaintance' with him. The guy opens the door and leads his female companion into the living room. The living room has the air of overstated technical elegance, one has come to dislike over the years.
The interior is a sparkling dream (nightmare) in white, metal and glass.
(Your basic modern interior design of the mid-eighties).
"Well", sez the guy gesturing about the room, "How do you like it ?"
"Yeah!", sez the girl, "I kinda like it, but it's lacking something..
- pauses -
I think, It lacks some human warmth."
"hey", sez the guy, "That's no problem.." and farts!

Why have dogs been banned from the Vatican?
Because, they pee on Poles.

"George Washington really remembered things."
"Why? What do you mean?"
"You still celebrate his memory, don't you!"

Have you tried McSquared, the pure energy fast-food?

Q: What is the difference between a University, a Polytechnic, and a College?
A: When a lecturer walks into a class and says "Good Morning", at a University the students say "Good Morning" back, at a Polytechnic they ignore him, and at a College they write it down.

Q: What is the difference between a University and a Polytechnic?
A: At a Polytechnic they teach you to wash your hands after going to the toilet. At a University they teach you not to p*ss on your hands in the first place.

Q: Why do Australian men piss in the garden at parties?
A: Because there's always someone throwing up in the loo!

What's black and eats bananas?
Half of london.

Q: What do you say to an Arts graduate with a job?
A: I'll have a hamburger please.

The time is mid december some year, and Norway has a new ambassador in the USA since two months. The telephone rings at his office.
- Good morning Mr Ambassador, I'm from the NewYork times, I wonder what you would like for christmas present.
The new ambassodor isn't stupid. He goes strictly by the rules, so there won't be any scandal.
- Listen now Mr. I don't want any present. A present would be seen at as a bribe, and I won't let that happen: said the ambassador.
The next day, the phone rings again.
- Good morning Mr Ambassador, I'm from the NewYork times. I'm still interested in what you would like to have for christmas present.
The ambassador explains why he can't take any gifts, and the conversation ends. The next day, the NewYork times journalist rings again. This time the ambassador is quite upset.
- I thought, I told you already. No presents!
Then he said.
- Ok a fruit bowl would be nice, it really would.
Now he hopes the journalist will leave him. He is also sure, a fruit bowl is harmless and won't cause any scandal.
Two days later, the NewYork times writes.
WHAT THE AMBASSADORS WANT FOR CHRISTMAS PRESENT

Germany's ambassador wishes a stable economy in the world.
France's ambassador wants continued good east-west relations
Sweden's ambassador wishes an end of the starwation in the third world.
.
.
.
Norway's ambassador wants a fruit bowl.

A Belgian train is standing in the middle of a field, some hundred meters away from the rails, which are as straight as can be.
The director of the Belgian Railways is very surprised at this very weird situation and asks the driver how the train got there.
"Well, there was a Dutchman standing on the rails!"
"Hell, why didn't you just drive over him?"
"Of course, but I didn't get him until in the fields!!"

A woman asks her husband this question: "If I died, would you marry again?"
"I would!"
"And would you let her come into my house?"
"I would!"
"Would she be working in my kitchen?"
"She would!"
"Would she sleep in my bed?"
"She would!"
"Would she put her clothes in my press?"
"She would!"
"Would she have my Renault 4?"
"She would!"
"Would she use my golf clubs?"
"DEFINITELY NOT!"
"Why?"
"She's left-handed!"

Man and tall brown bear wearing a hat go into a bar.
Man: I'll have a pint of beer, and the bear'll have a large Matabooboo.
Bartender: What's a Matabooboo?
Bear: Nuttin' Yogi.

Man on package tour in USA, one day of the tour is a bus ride down to Mexico. Whoopee he thinks, wild times, smokes, freaky things.
Imagine his surprise when the bus drops him in a sleepy pueblo population: three people, one tumbleweed. The bus roars off and he hears the driver shout back something about returning in three hours.
That's cool, he can amuse himself for three hours. He heads for the bar and tries to talk to the patron, who turns out to be the most boring person in the world. Five minutes later, it feels like three hours and he makes his excuse and leaves, only slightly puzzled that in three hours he only managed one drink.
He decides to check the time and casts around for someone to ask. He sees a sleepy hombre sitting against the wall under a sombrero.
"Quel estas l'hora?", he asks in his best Spanglais.
"You what, man?", replies the hombre, who turns out to be an erstwhile extra from a 1970's Eastwood movie who missed the bus home.
"The time. What is it?"
The other reaches out to a mule which is standing beside him (this is a real mule, not a movie mule, you understand). He lifts its scrotum thoughtfully and then lets it drop. "About two thirty" he announces.
"Astonishing", avers our hero. "How did you manage that?"
Once again the other reaches out and lifts the donkey's scrotum.
"You see that clock tower over there?"
"Yes."
"So can I now."

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, and I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I JUST DID, DIDN'T I, YOU STUPID BASTARD!

There was this young taxi driver who was driving an old farmer who had never been to Amsterdam before.
The driver decided to have a little fun and started telling the old man that it was sometimes boring driving around so he and other drivers drove down old ladies just for the fun of it. The old man was a bit nervous but tried not to show it trying to fit in the capital's life. Then the driver shouted "There! An old lady!" and hit the gas. The car rushed toward the old lady. At the last second the driver turned so he would not kill the old lady, but at this instant he heard "BUNK". He turned his head to see the old man with a big smile "I got her using the door."

There was a barber who noticed that the same man came every day to the barber's shop and asked "How many are waiting?" Then he left.
The barber was curious and asked his pupil to follow the man the following day. Next day the pupil followed the man and came back to the barber's shop. The barber asked "Where did he go?" The pupil answered "To your home."