KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A plane is flying over the Atlantic Ocean as the pilot is finishing an announcement over the intercom. Putting the mike down he hits the off switch. Unknown to him the switch is malfunctioning and his conversation is broadcast into the passenger area.

"Take over for a while, Dave" the pilot says to his co-pilot, "I think I'll go take a shit and then bang that new stewardess."

At this statement the passengers fly into a frenzy of conversation and gossip. The stewardess is greatly embarrassed and can no longer stay at her post, so she hurries towards the cockpit. But in her haste, she trips and falls to her knees in the aisle.

She happens to land next to a sweet old lady who turns to help her up.
As she does so, the lady says sweetly:
"Don't rush dearie - he said he had to take a shit first."

A nun joke in which not a single nun gets fucked (amazing isn't it?):
A pale-faced nun, apparently in shock, enters the office of the old mother superior and reports very shyly, almost blushing:
"Mother Superior, we -er- we have discovered a case of syphilis!"
"Oh! How wonderful", says the old nun, "I was getting sick of the Chablis."

(Well in the end a nun DID get fucked, I guess.)

This joke involves an elephant who is walking through the jungle.
And all of a sudden he falls into a pit and is stuck there. The elephant is stuck in this pit and realises that he is going to die, so naturally he start to scream. By chance a chicken hears the screaming of the elephant and decides to investigate. He sees the elephant stuck in the pit and shouts to the elephant: "Dont worry, I am going to save you". The chicken then calls on the King of the Jungle.

The King of the Jungle promptly arrives in his *Red Porsche*. He throws a rope from the Porche into the pit, the elephant ties it around himself and the King of the Jungle pulls him out of the pit. The elephant is saved (loud applause).

So grateful is the elephant to the chicken that he promises him that he will one day do the same for him (if the chicken should ever be in mortal danger).

As chance would have it, the next week the elephant is walking thru' the jungle and hears the screaming of a chicken. He wanders over and sees that his friend the chicken is stuck in a pit. (ohh, gosh) The elephant shouts "Don't worry chicken I will save you". So the elephant throws his tail into the pit.
However this tail is too small and the chicken cannot reach it. Undeterred by this the elephant throws in his trunk, but, alas this also is too small.
As a last desperate effort the elephant throws in his his penis.
Sucess! The chicken grabs the elephants enormous penis and climbs out to safety.

Moral of the story:
"If you have a big dick you don't need a red Porsche to pull a chick."

A: Something amazing happened to me last night.
B: What's that?
A: I was at the home of a guy I know, and I was in bed with his wife while he was out at the pub. We were really going at it, and suddenly we heard a car screech to a halt outside. My lover looked horrified. "Oh my god! My husbands arrived home!" she said. "Christ! What do I do?" I cried. "You'd better jump out the window before he finds you", she said, so I quickly got out the window. It was dark so I couldn't see, and I didn't want to fall to my death so I hung by my fingers to the window ledge.
B: Wow. That sounds bad.
A: It gets worse! Her husband entered the room, and he sounded very drunk. While I was hanging there I heard him get into bed and they were soon going at it, very noisily. After they'd finished, he got out of bed, opened the window and started peeing out the window, all over me, even though he couldn't see me! But of course I daren't let go...
B: Wow. That sounds really bad.
A: It gets worse! A bit later he opens the window and starts crapping out the window, goddamn it! All over me again!!!
B: Wow. That sounds really really bad.
A: It gets worse! Even later on, he opens the window again and this timehe damn well pukes out the window, all over me again!!!
B: Wow. That sounds really really really bad.
A: It gets worse! I'd had enough by this time, so I let go. And then I realised I was only 2 feet from the ground!!!!

This chain is intended for tired, overwhelmed and exhausted husbands.
There is no need to send money. Mail five copies of this to five friends of yours you have absolute confidence on.

Next, make a parcel with your wife in it and send it to the first one on the list, placing your very name after the last place. You will be sent 15.625 women. Some of them could be interesting or, at least, different >from your own. Do not cut this chain. A husband did, and he got his wife back. A friend of mine has already got 18 women.

The priest was teaching the Ten Commandments to the Church.
At the 4'th Commandment "Thou shalt not steal", he observed a man in the front row, who suddenly became very uneasy.
At the 6'th Commandment, the man's face immediately brightened up in a smile.
When the service was over, the priest went to the man, and asked for an explanation of his improper behavior.
- 'Well, you see', said the man, 'when you said the 4'th Commandment "Thou shalt not steal", I recognized that my wallet was gone. But at the 6'th Commandment, I suddenly remembered, where I'd forgotten it'.

A father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it and says "Mummy, what is that long thing ?"
His mother replies "That son, is the elephant's trunk".
"No, at the other end"
"That son is the tail"
"No, mummy, the thing under the elephant"
A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies "Thats nothing"
The mother goes to buy some icecream (this bit is improvised ) and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question.
"Daddy, what is that long thing?"
"That's the trunk, son" replies the father.
"No at the other end"
"Oh, that is the tail"
"No, no daddy, the thing below" asks the son in desperation.
"That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?"
"Well mummy said it was nothing" says the boy.
Replies the father,
"I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."

A man is walking down the street one day when he sees another man sprinting towards him.
"What's wrong?" he shouts as the man comes closer.
"There's a lion escaped from the zoo!" the runner replies.
"Really?" says the man, "Which way did it go?"
"Well you don't think I'm bloody after it do you!"

A boy scout was out doing his bob-a-job stint one Saturday in Farmborough. He walked up to the front door of one house and rang the doorbell. The owner appeared. "Yes ?"
"Bob a job week, sir !"
At first the man didn't want anything to do with the kid, but eventually he agreed to give him a job. "You can paint my porch for me", he said.
"The paint and brushes are in the garage - here's the key."
The boy scout toddled off to do the job. Two hours later, he rang the doorbell. "Job's done", he said, his palm outstretched.
"Harumph. Took your time, didn't you ? Well, okay, here's your FIVE PENCE !"
The boy took the money and started to walk away, but after a few paces he turned around and said, "Oh, thanks for the donation, but by the way, it wasn't a porch, it was a Ferrari !"

This big guy (and I mean *really* big) is sitting in his local pub, having a beer when this little guy comes running in. "Quick, quick", he says, "there's a guy in bed with your wife!" The big guy downs his beer, slams the glass on the bar counter and rushes, swearing, to his car, a new BMW. With screaming tyres and a gnashing of teeth he drives home. (He has this big double-story house with garden, palm trees etc.) His wife just manages to meet him at the door, still buttoning up her blouse, hair all in a mess and a looking a bit flushed. "Where's the bastard, I'll kill him", says the big guy and rushes up the stairs to the next floor - bathroom, bedroom kitchen etc.
The search continues for a few minutes amidst much ranting, raving and further gnashing of teeth when, as he reaches the kitchen, he hears someone starting up his car. For a second he wavers, but as he's also a quick-thinking guy, he realizes there's only one thing he can do. So, he lifts the refrigerator and with a mighty heave throws it out the window onto the escaping car. All hell breaks loose because our hero slips in the process and follows the refrigerator out the window onto the car. Remember, he was on the second floor.

When he wakes up in hospital later he's covered from head to foot in bandages and plaster and has various broken bones. He turns and sees he's not alone. The guy next to him is in worse shape than he.
So he says "What happened to you?". "You won't believe it", he replies "I was sitting peacefully, driving this car when suddenly a refrigerator falls from the sky, wrecking me and the car". The big guy is just considering whether to deal with him immediately or to wait until he's recovered when the other guy says, "But you should see *him* - he looks really bad." The big guy looks around and sees that there is yet a third man in the room, and he is badly beaten up - all arms and legs broken, everything in plaster, only eyes and mouth sticking out etc.
(the classic picture). "What happened to you?", says the big guy. The third guy can hardly talk and obviously hadn't been following the conversation. "It's a long story", he manages to utter "but, basically, you see, I was sitting inside this refrigerator ..."