KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A Frenchman and a Spaniard were walking down the street. A young woman approached them and as she neared she slipped on the sidewalk and took a nasty tumble backward. Her skirt went flying, revealing all. Said the Frenchman, "C'est la vie!" To which the Spaniard replied, "Si, yo tambien se la vi..."

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house in the country.

The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage"

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes."

The baby mole reached his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, " The only thing I can smell is MOLASSES."

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a Software Engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

Some poor sod was stopped this morning by a traffic cop.

"Excuse me, may I see your driver's licence please"

Guy hands it over

"It says here you should be driving with spectacles"

Motorist : "But you don't understand, I have contacts"

Cop: "Listen here Meneer , ek gee nie n' V * K om wie jy ken nie, you are still going to pay this fine!"

IF RESTAURANTS FUNCTIONED LIKE MICROSOFT!
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm running late now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything. [Waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
----------
The check: Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . $ 5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . . . . . . .$ 2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$10.00

Editors Note: Bug in the soup included at no extra charge (will be fixed with Tomorrow's soup of the day)

An old married couple sits on the stoep in their rocking chairs...

Suddenly the old lady slaps her husband with her handbag and he falls off his chair, face-down on the flowerbed. He gets up, dusts himself off - looks at his wife and sits back down on his rocking chair.

'So', he says, 'What was that all about ?'...

'That's for all the years of bad sex ', she says. .
.
.
After about 15 mins the old man slaps his wife with his tobacco pouch... She falls off her chair, face-down on the flowerbed. She gets up, dusts herself off - looks at her husband and sits back down on her rocking chair.

'So', she says, 'What was that all about ?'...

'That's for knowing the difference', he says.

*A frisking innie Boeland. . ..

Once upon a time in Stellenbosch, aka ta'Matieland, there was a female senior citizen who got so bored with reading za.humour on the 'net that she decided to leave her penthouse and go for a walk. Whilst walking down an alley to pursue a stray pavement special of a dog for potential adoption purposes, a skollie jumped out from behind a few barrels of stale Luyt Harvest intended for export to Gouteng.
"Yo, Antie, ek se," wayving his moerofa rollie, "stick 'em up!" he said, as two of his gatgabbas wheeled a 122mm howitzer out from behind some more barrels of stale wine and aimed it at where her legs meet: Parralevel.
She raised her arms. "As much as I support the new South Africa and our new Liquorice All Sorts flag, young man, I know better than to carry money in this part of town. Sorry, but please aim that canon elsewhere. At my age I need to peepee often."
"Sheeeit, Antie! I don't .......... "
The street punk turned to one of the howitzer gunners. "Yo, Gatiep! Turn off that fuckin radio, we've got an armed robbery in progress here!" Djonnie was still crouching by the barrel, holding another shell, ready to load it in case the first shell wasn't enough to stop the Antie from pissing. Gatiep, though, had one hand on the trigger and one hand wrapped around his ghettoblaster, playing Pink Floyd at volume 14 like always.
"WHAT?" replied Gatiep.
"Turn off the radio, man!" urged Gammat.
"WHAT?"
"TURN OFF THAT MOTHERFUCKIN' RADIO YOU FUCKING STUPID CAPE COLOURED TWAT!"
"WHAT?"
Praying to every deity he knew, Gammat hoped he looked as fast and as fresh as Clint Eastwood was in "Gone with the wind" as he drew his .357 Magnum and blasted the radio right out of Gatiep's hands..... Moerofabang!!!
Silence.
No sirens yet. Good. Gammat knew, however, that he and the boys would have to hurry up before the fee fo fee fo blou blou blou would arrive; he and his tjommies had clocked the boere's average response times ever since they were from stofpoepers to groot latte, and he knew that they only had 5 hours and 41 minutes left before the boere would arrive with a moerofagejuig.
Gammat turned back to the lady. "As I was sayin'... sheeeit, Antie, my ouma's had a big enough chunk taken outta her state pension's paycheck to know that, if you're old, you've GOT to have some kinda money!"
She frowned. "No. Sorry again."
Gammat did his best to look cool and tough again. He turned to Gatiep and Djonnie. "Skud haa ek se!"
The two gunners threw her up against the wall and frisked her (as best as they knew how from watching Kojak all their lives) while Gammat went through her purse. Besides a packet of Stimorol sugar free they found absolutely nothing. Gammat began to think as Djonnie started chewing a Stimorol. Then he had an idea.
"There's still some places we haven't searched, Antie!" With that, Gammat began feeling around her breasts, and between her legs, hoping to find a wad of cash or some trace of a necklace.
The woman cleared her throat. "I insist, young man, that I haven't got any money on me... but if you keep up frisking me, I'll write you a cheque as soon as I get home."

*Adapted.

The couple had 6 children. 5 with black hair and one with red hair. The husband always wondered about the one with the red hair, but was afraid of losing his wife if he asked her. It so happenend that the wife became terminally ill. On her last lap the husband realised it's now or never - he has to ask her.

"Honey can I ask you one question before we say goodbye"

"OK"

"Is the one with the red hair my son"

"Yes"

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice breasts," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?"

Once upon a time there was a little red man staying in a little red house on the edge of the red wood. Early one lovely red morning he was awakened by his little red clock, got out of his little red bed, slipped into his red gown and went over to his red shower. Brushing the red shower curtain aside, he opened the little red taps. Suddenly there was a knock on his little red door. Peeking through his little red window he saw a very beautiful lady on his little red porch. Crossing his little red room at high speed he flung his little red door wide open. Unfortunately his red gown caught the little red door handle and was subsequently jerked off his little red body.

The beautiful lady panicked, turned around and ran down the little red path. Going through the little red gate she crossed the red road. Unfortunately she did not see the red bus which hit her and she was killed instantaneously.

Moral of the story: don't cross the road when the little red man starts flashing.