KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES and realises that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a sombre stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF MERCY.
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door". He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

One day the seven dwarfs were coming home after a hard days work. As they approach the house, they hear some sounds coming from the garden. Their curiousity aroused, they stand on each others shoulders until finally one of them can see over the garden wall.

The dwarf at the top, sees snowwhite and the prince sitting and talking in the garden. He says to the dwarf who`s shoulder he is standing on, "Snow White is with the Prince"

This in turn gets passed down, dwarf to dwarf, "Snow White is with the Prince"
"Snow White is with the Prince"
"Snow White is with the Prince"
"Snow White is....." (and so on) until it has reached all the dwarfs.

Then the dwarf at the top says:

"They`re Kissing"

Again the chain starts:
"They`re Kissing"
"They`re Kissing"
"They`re Kissing"
"They`re ......."

"He`s taking off her clothes"
"He`s taking off her clothes"
"He`s taking off her clothes"
"He`s taking off............"

"They`re both nude now"
"They`re both nude now"
"They`re both nude now"
"They`re both........."

"He`s about to enter her"
"He`s about to enter her"
"He`s about to enter her"
"He`s about to.........."

At this point Snow White hears a sound near the wall, and so she gets up to investigate.

The dwarf at the top sees this and says:

"She`s Coming"

"So am I"
"So am I"
"So am I"
"So am I"
"So am I"
"So am I"

Archaeologists take sedimental journeys.

Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.

Did you know the Shuttle commander was on the radio when the shuttle blew up?
And on the walls, and on the windscreen, and on the ceiling.

Q: What's NASAs favourite cocktail?
A: Seven Up with a dash of Teacher's on the rocks.

Q: What do you get if you cross a bird with a magician?
A: A flying sorcerer.

Q: Why do the Americans drink Pepsi?
A: Because they can't get Seven Up.

"It has come through that florida has an Education problem."
"Oh?"
"They've got 1 teacher spread over the whole state."

How do you fit 11 astronauts in a VW Bug?
Two in the front, two in the back and seven in the ashtray.

Q: Whats worse than lobsters on your piano?
A: Crabs on your organ.

Q: What's better than a rose on your piano?
A: Tulips on your organ.

Q: How does a women hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.

Three statisticians go out hunting together. After a while they spot a solitary rabbit. The first statistician takes aim and overshoots. The second aims and undershoots. The third shouts out "We got him!".

1)
Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc. Multiply by a factor of 100.
2)
The ideal system should have as many lights as possible, preferably blinking and flashing in time with the music.
3)
The components should all have black metal finish, and generally look very C00L.
4)
The system should be broken up into as many components as possible. (e.g. pre-amp, pre-pre-amp, post-amp, etc.)
5)
The most important part of a stereo system is the speakers, they should look very cool. Size and number of sub-speakers is important.(e.g. woofers, tweeters, sub-woofers, super-sub-woofers, etc.)
6)
The system should resemble the cockpit of an F16 or 757 aircraft.
7)
The system should have full remote control capability, including over the mobile auto cellular phone so that the stereo can be playing as you get home.
8)
Should have the capability of playing different music in every room of the house.
9)
Components should have a cool names.
10)
The complete set up should put a major recording studio or large radio station to shame.
11)
Having state of the art equiptment is not enough. You should be a year or two ahead of everyone else. Equipment over the warranty period is obsolete and should be disposed of promptly.
12)
The most important factor.... Out of everyone you know who owns stereo equipment, yours should be better.

"Finally stopped Grandma from sliding down the bannister."
"How'd you do that?"
"Wrapped barbed wire around it."
"Guess that stopped her, huh?"
"Not yet, but it sure slows her down."

Monty Python:
- My dog's got no nose.
- But how does it smell?
- Awful.

Atomic version:

I say, I say, I live near Sellafield and my dog's got no nose, six legs, two heads, and it glows in the dark. How does it smell?
Vile...But then I forgot to tell you, it's dead.

Islamic version:

I say, I say, my dog's got no legs.
Why not?
It ran off with my slipper so I chopped them off.

The scene: a train in Poland. In one coach are an old woman, a pretty girl, an army officer, and a Solidarity worker. The train goes through a dark tunnel, and in the darkness a kiss is heard, followed by a slap.
The old woman thinks: "What a brave girl. The officer made a pass at her, and she defended her honour."
The girl thinks: "How strange. The officer must have tried to kiss me, and got the old woman instead."
The officer thinks: "What bad luck. The worker kissed the girl, and she slapped me instead."
The worker thinks: "Neat trick. I kiss the back of my hand, hit the officer and get away with it."

A middle aged buisnessman goes to see his physician.

"Doctor, I've got this problem," the man says. "My secretary, she loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch. And before I leave work at the end of the day she *really* works me over."

"So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomanic," the man continued. "I service her every morning when we get up. I go home for a quick half hour every day at lunch and then we have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep."

"I still don't know what your problem is," said the doctor.

"You see Doc, every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells."

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says:
"Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps." The second old man says: "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps." Finally the third old man speaks up: "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the Jewish calendar. As the day draws to a close, in some small synagogue, the rabbi is praying fervently.
"Oh, God," he says, "I am nothing before you!" The cantor also says "Oh, God, I am nothing before you!" Then the beadle, inspired by their piety, cries out, "Oh, God, I am nothing before you!" The cantor raises his eyebrows, looks at the rabbi, and says "Nu, look who thinks he's nothing!"