KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Take a cage with apes. In the cage we hang a banana on a string, and put a stairs under it. Before long an ape goes to the stairs towards the banana, but as soon as it even touches the stairs, all apes are sprayed with water. After a while the same ape or another one makes another attempt, with the same result: all apes are sprayed. If later another ape tries to climb the stairs, the others will try to prevent it.

Now we take one ape from the cage and put in a new one. The new ape sees the banana, and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror all other apes attack him. After another attempt he knows: if he wants to climb the stairs, he is beaten up. Then we remove a second ape and replace it by another new one. The newcommer goes to the stairs and gets beaten up. The previous new ape takes part in the punishment with enthousiasm.

A third old ape is replaced by a third new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and get beaten up as well. Two of the apes who beat him, have no idea why you may not climb the stairs. We replace the fourth old ape, and the fifth, etc until all apes which ones have been sprayed with water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever tries to climb the stairs.

"But Sir, why not?"
"Because that's the way we do things here, lad."

A certain vicar decided it was high time he informed his three triplet daughters about the "birds and the bees", and tested their chastity at the same time.
Thus he approached his first daughter, dropped his trousers, pointed to his manhood, and asked his daughter if she knew what it was.
"That's your cock", she replied.
"You foul-mouthed young hussy, go and rinse your mouth out with soap!" stormed the enraged father. Still fuming, he approached his second daughter, dropped his trousers, pointed to his manhood, and asked his daughter if she knew what it was.
"That's your dick", she replied.
"Why, you daughter of Jezebel, you scarlet woman, go and dissolve your tongue in boiling nitric acid!" [or something] he ranted. In desperation, he sought his third daughter, dropped his trousers, pointed to his manhood, and asked if she knew what it was.
"I've no idea", she replied.
"Oh, my darling chaste young child!" he said in delight. "That, my dear, is my penis."
To which she responded: "Call that a penis?"

Q. Where do you find a tortoise with no legs?
A. Where you left it.

When questioned as to why he vetoed the minimum wage increase, George Bush is reported to have replied:
"I didn't think Dan Quayle deserved a pay rise."

IEGOYC 1: We've decided to keep pigs.
IEGOYC 2: Where you going to keep them?
IEGOYC 1: Oh, in the house seems the best place.
IEGOYC 2: In the house?! What about all the shit?
IEGOYC 1: Oh, the pigs'll soon get used to that.

A tired traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby.
He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.
"Fancy meeting my 'wife' here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."
Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"
"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."

A guy walks into this sporting goods store in Alaska, immediately spys a rather haggerd-looking old salt of a store clerk sitting by the cash register.
"Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?"
"Yep," answers the clerk.
"Big bears?"
"Yep."
"Mean bears?"
"Black bears?"
"Yep."
"GRIZZLIES???!"
"Yep."
"Got any bear bells?"
"What's dat?"
"You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so bears know yer in the perimiter so's they can runs away ..."
"Yep. Over yonder ..."
"Great. I'll take one fer black bears, and one fer grizzlies.
Say, how'd you know if yer in black bear country anyway?"
"Look fer scatt."
"Oh. Well, how how'd you know if there's GRIZZLIES????!"
"Look fer scatt."
"You just said that!"
"Yeah. But grizzly scatt's different."
"Well now, just what's IN grizzly scatt that's different?"
"Bear bells."

The weekly bulletin from a local church included the following:

The ideal pastor preaches exactly 10 minutes. He condemns sin, but never hurts anyone's feelings. He works from 8AM to midnight, and also serves as the church janitor. He makes $40 a week, wears good clothes, and donates $30 a week to the church. He is 29 years old and has 40 years of experience. He makes 15 house calls a day and is always in his office.

If your pastor does not measure up to these criteria, send this list to six other churches that are also dissatisfied with their pastor. Then, bundle up your pastor and send him to the church at the top of the list. In one week you will receive 1,643 pastors. Surely one of them will be perfect. Have faith in this letter. One church broke the chain and got its old pastor back in three months.

Three married couples, aged 20,30,40 years old, want to join the Orthodox Church of Sexual Repression. Near the end of the interview, the priest informs them that before they can be accepted they will have to pass one small test. They will have to abstain from all sex for a month. They all agree to try.

A month later they are having their final interview with the cleric. He asks the 40 year old couple how they did. "Well, it wasn't too hard. I spent a lot of time in the workshop and she has a garden so we had plenty of other things to do. We did OK." the husband said.

"Very good, my children. You are welcome in the Church. And how well did you manage?", he asked the 30 year old couple.

"It was pretty difficult", the husband answered. "We thought about it all the time. We had to sleep in different beds and we prayed a lot. But we were celibate for the entire month."

"Very good, my children. You are welcome in the Church. And how about you?", he asked the 20 year old couple.

"Not too good, I'm afraid, Father. We did OK for the first week.", he said sheepishly. "By the second week we were going crazy with lust. Then one day during the third week my wife dropped a head of lettuce and when she bent over to pick it up, I... I weakened and took her right there."

"I'm sorry my son, you are not welcome in the Church"

"Yeah, and we're not too welcome at the grocery anymore either"

A man went to Confession and said to the priest : "Forgive me, Father. I used the F-word this week."

"Ah, my son. Tell me the circumstances which caused you to use the F-word. After all, I can understand a person being provoked into using it."

"Well, I was golfing and I had just hit a beautiful tee-shot that sailed straight as an arrow for 280 yards, but then suddenly sliced into the woods."

"That is when you used the F-word. I can appreciate your frustration, my son, as I am a golfer myself."

"No, I stayed cool at that point, Father. I then hit a perfect shot out of the woods, but suddenly it landed in the sand trap."

"Now, I can understand you saying the F-word at that point."

"No, Father, I was calm even then. I got out my sand wedge and hit a perfect shot out of the trap right at the pin, but suddenly the ball stopped an inch from the cup."

"Ah, that is when you used the F-word. How frustrating."

"No, Father, I was still cool."

"YOU MEAN YOU MISSED THE FUCKING PUTT?!?!??!"

A Persian in the market in old jerusalem buys a packet of pecan nuts. He hands one to his wife, who is dutifully following him around. After a while, she asks for another.
"What for?", he replies, "They all taste the same".