KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

An elderly English couple, the wife rather deaf, were visiting New York. They hail a cab and start out on a lengthy journey. It being New York, it isn't long before the driver starts talking.

Driver: You're limeys, aren't you?
Man: Aye, we are
Wife: What did he say?
M: He asked if we were English and I said we were
W: Ah

D: I was in England, during the war
M: Oh aye
W: What did he say?
M: He said he was in England during the war
W: Ah

D: I was in Burnley, in Lancashire. You know it?
M: Yes, that's where we come from
W: What did he say?
M: He said he was in England during the war - near Burnley
W: Ah

D: Do you know a patch of woodland just south of Burnley?
M: Aye, I know it
W: What did he say?
M: He asked if we knew the woods south of Burnley and I said we did
W: Ah

D: You know, it was in those woods, during the war, I had the worst fuck I've ever had in my entire life.
W: What did he say?
M: He says he knows you.

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What what to do? There was no male of this species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, a JEDR responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla. So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla - for five hundred bucks? Mike replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over.
The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her", and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union".
The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third? "Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks".

Definition of an Irishman:
A little machine that turns Guiness into p*ss.

"I'm so sorry, but my karma ran over your dogma."

Q: What does NASA stand for?
A: Need Another Seven Astronauts

Drive defensively -- buy a tank.

Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail friends.

Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.

Wasting time is an important part of life.

Q: What did the Romanian people light their houses with before they used candles?
A: Electricity.

Bumper sticker seen on Stealth bomber:
"IF YOU CAN READ THIS, THEN WE WASTED 50 BILLION BUCKS."

In a company there are two employees, Jack and Jill. Both have been model employees and have been much valued by the firm. However, due to financial setbacks, the company is forced to let one of them go. But which one? The boss decides on a plan. He will watch Jack closely for one day, monitoring his performance. The next day, he will similarly scrutinize Jill. Then he will announce which one he is going to keep and which one will have to be fired.
The first day, Jack comes in early. He works hard all morning, not even taking a coffee break. He skips lunch. He works hard all afternoon, doesn't spend any time on the phone, and leaves late.
Noticing this, the boss begins to think, "If they're both such diligent workers, the choice is going to be even harder."
The next day, Jill comes in late, complaining of a headache. She takes some aspirin and hangs out at the water fountain talking to her friends. She takes an extra long coffee break. She leaves early for lunch, and comes back late. She's unproductive in the afternoon, spending much of her time calling her friends and telling them how miserable she feels. She takes some more aspirin and leaves early.
The boss takes note of this. His mind is made up.
So the next day, the boss calls Jill into his office. He tells her, "Jill, you know I either have to lay you or Jack off."
And she replies, "Well, you're going to have to jack off because *I've* got a headache."

It's a holiday and the Over-60 club of a small North of England town are boarding a coach for a trip to the seaside at Whitby. (How Nice!) As the last aged gentleman is walking along the aisle of the bus to his seat, the vehicle lurches into motion, causing him to stumble and land in the lap of a nearby old lady. During the chaos, his elbow pokes the old woman in the left breast. Regaining his feet, the old man says

"I'm terribly sorry about that, but if your heart is as soft as your breast, I'm sure I'll see you in Heaven!!"

To which the old lady replies

"...and if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'll see you in Whitby."

These songs were written by some people here at uni and they have given me permission to post them here.
They are to be sung to the tune of "My Favourite Things" (I just *knew* that movie had to be good for something)

This was written by Fred Curtis (who is perfectly normal - really)

Pointers to pointers to printf()-like functions;
Unary minus and nested conjunctions;
Integers, booleans, characters, strings;
These are a few of my favourite things.

Bach on a CD and good indentation;
Not getting mugged while en route to the station;
Fountains with wishes and Gnomes without slings;
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the bug bites! When core dumps!
When the machine's had the {proverbial}
I simply remember my favourite things
And then I don't fell so sick.

In response to which came the following song:

This was written by someone who won't let me name him here but honestly, he's the most pious, kindhearted and morally pure person I know :-) The devil made him do it

Fourteen inch dildos with straps of elastic
Form fitting undies made out of clear plastic
Five foot four women with haircuts like boys
These are a few of my favourite toys.

Warm sticky substances smeared on my belly
Plastic containers filled with KY Jelly
Women who can turn their tongues upside down
These are a few of the best things I've found.

When the whip cracks. When the straps snap.
When I'm feeling glum.
I think of the wonderful games that I've played.
I let out a sigh and {proverbial}.

Isn't it amazing what people trying to avoid work can get up to?

BTW - I apologise for misspelling Dan Quayle's name in an earlier article (I was aping DimOne FeltHead at the time - a bad mistake), but then again I don't pay any attention to politics over here, why should I give a shit about your politics?

The bear and the rabbit were having a shit in the forest.
The bear asks the rabbit: "Does shit ever stick to your fur?"
When the rabbit says no, the bear wipes his ass with it.

1. My kids are locked outside.
2. My kids are locked inside.
3. My kids are stuck in the door.
4. I have to help my grandmother bake cookies.
5. I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha bake cookies -- she's much better now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who came to see her when she thought she was dying.
6. The Water Department has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.
7. The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.
8. The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards on my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up.
9. My daughter is graduating from high school and I'd like to go to the ceremony.
10. My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I'd like to go to the ceremony. (Do not use within one month of #9).
11. I have to pick up my car at the shop; if I don't get there in half an hour it'll be locked up all weekend.
12. I have to get my car to the shop; if I don't get it there in half an hour it'll be locked out all weekend. (Don't use if boss seems wide awake).
13. My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
14. My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
15. My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
16. My truss snapped.
17. My support hose popped.
18. I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue.
19. I'm arranging financing for a house.
20. I'm arranging financing for a car.
21. I'm arranging financing for a beef roast.
22. The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.
23. The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.
24. The baby we arranged for nine months ago is arriving, and I think this is the time it's being delivered. (Note: This is an excuse that can't be used by just anybody. But if it's close to accurate, it's extremely effective.
25. I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel.
26. I'm being sent to the moon by NASA.
27. It's Dayton's Warehouse Sale.
28. My back aches.
29. My stomach aches.
30. My hair aches. (This is more acceptable than "I have a hangover," especially if offered in the early afternoon.)
31. My biological clock is ticking.
32. I have to take my biological clock in for service.
33. My furnace won't stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached.
34. My central air conditioning won't stop running, and the goldfish are getting freezer burn.
35. Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won't stop running. The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode.
36. I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother.
37. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister.
38. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister's mother.
39. I have to take my mother to the doctor.
40. I have to take my minister to the doctor.
41. I have to take my doctor to my minister.
42. I think I left the iron on.
43. I think I left the water on.
44. I think I left the refrigerator on.
45. I'm getting married, and I have to go pick out rings.
46. I'm getting married, and I have to take a blood test.
47. I'm getting married, and I have to figure out to whom.
48. I have to have my waistband let out.
49. I have to have my watchband let out.
50. I have to have my son's rock band let out.
51. I'm having my eyes checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won't be able to work afterwards.
52. I'm having my ears checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won't be able to work afterwards.
53. I'm having my hats checked this noon, and I'll be having a drop or two so I won't be able to work afterwards.
54. I'm having a root canal.
55. I'm having a tax audit.
56. I'm going on a date with a sadomasochistic necrophile. (Is that beating a dead horse?)
57. My broker needs to talk with me about diversification.
58. I have to rearrange my savings so that there is no more than $100,000 in any one federally insured institution.
59. I need to break into my kid's piggy bank while he's not home.
60. I have to renew my driver's license.
61. I have to get new license plates.
62. I have to stand in a long line for no good reason, while petty bureaucrats take inordinate amounts of time to work out the tiny problems that they detect in perfectly routine transactions. THEN I have to breeze by and renew my driver's license and get new license plates.
63. I've got an urgent session with my therapist.
64. I've got a really urgent session with my therapist.
65. I've ... I ... I'm not ... I don't ... I CAN'T COPE WITH THIS!!
66. I have to get my contact lenses fitted.
67. I have to get my hearing aid adjusted.
68. I have to get my big toe calibrated.
69. Hey, hey! The Monkees could be coming to our town.
70. My rheumatism is acting up; there's going to be a terrible tornado.
71. My arthritis is acting up; there's going to be a terrible blizzard.
72. The pharaoh is acting up; there's going to be a terrible rain of frogs.
73. I need to give blood.
74. I need to give evidence.
75. I need to give up.
76. I'm going to my best friend's engagement party.
77. I'm going to my best friend's wedding.
78. I'm going to my best friend's divorce. (We all knew it wouldn't last; at the wedding, everybody threw Minute Rice.)
79. I have a seriously overdue library book that I have to return.
80. I have a bunch of old parking tickets, and if I don't pay them I'm going to be arrested.
81. The police are at the back door. Cover me.
82. I'm having my nails done.
83. I'm having my colors done.
84. I'm having my head examined.
85. I'm going to the bank.
86. I'm going to sleep.
87. I'm going over the edge.
88. A friend of mine is dying and I have to go to the hospital.
89. A friend of mine has died and I have to go to the funeral parlor.
90. A friend of mine is being reincarnated and I have to go to the zoo.
91. I need to check out the hole in the ozone layer.
92. I need to check into a rest home
93. I'm breaking in my shoes.
94. I'm breaking up with my boyfriend.
95. I'm breaking out.
96. I have to pick up my dry cleaning.
97. I have to pick out a car.
98. I have to pick on my kids.
99. Salmon Rushdie is coming in to talk about his idea for a book on Christian fundamentalists. I thought I'd go to a ball game instead.

There were these two dogs in a vet's waiting room, each eyeing the other suspiciously. One of them turns to the other.

"What are you here for?" he asks.

"Well," replies the other, "I was feeling really bad the other day, and Master's six year old son started bothering me. I tried to ignore it, but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand off."

"I don't blame you. So, what are you here for?"

"Erm... well... Master reckons that I'm too vicious, so I'm going to be... you know... I'm going to have the *operation*..."

"Oh dear. I'm sorry," sympathised the first dog.

Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely.

"So," he asked, "What are you in here for?"

"Oh, nothing really," the other replied, embarrassed.

"Go on, tell me. Please..."

"OK. Well, it's like this. The bitch next door was in heat, and so I was feeling... you know, a bit randy. Then Mistress came into the kitchen wearing a short skirt and no underwear, and she bent over. I just couldn't resist it!" admitted the dog.

"Oh, so you're here for the operation too, then."

"No," came the reply, "I'm here to have my nails clipped!"

A man walks into a cake shop, goes up to the counter and asks for a doughnut. The assistant picks up a pair of silver tongs, retrieves a doughnut and places it on a dish.

The customer says to the assistant "That's very hygenic using a pair of tongs to pick up the cake!" "Oh yes sir. This is a very clean shop." "Well in that case I think I'll also have a choclolate eclair too."

So the assistant picks up the silver tongs and retrieves a chocolate eclair. While he's doing this the customer looks down and notices a piece of string sticking out the trouser fly of the assistant. "What's the string for?" asks the customer.

"Well sir, it's such a hygenic shop that if I want to go to the toilet I must pull out my willy with the string. That way I don't touch it with my hands." The customer thought for a moment and said "Well how do you put it back in then?"

"Oh that's easy," said the assistant "I use the tongs, silly!"