KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Apparently this woman's minature schnauzer had an infection in its ear. The vet told her that it was due to an ingrown hair and that the best treatment would be to remove the hair with a depilatory cream. The women went to a drug store and asked the druggist for assistance in selecting an appropriate product. He went on about how some were better for use on legs and how some were gentler and better for removing facial hair. He then said "May I ask where you intend to use this?"

She replied "Well, it's for my schnauzer."

He said "OK, but you shouldn't ride a bike for two weeks."

An Australian farmer is sitting on a stone near his farm, all in blood and crying. His neighbor is passing by.

"What's wrong?" the neighbor asks.

"I bought a new boomerang," the crying guy answered.

"So, why are you crying?" the neighbor asks again.

"I cannot throw away the old one..."

A woman goes to a doctor with a problem.

She's sat on the chair next to the doctor, and she's very hesitant about describing her problem. Eventually the doctor manages to discover that she thinks she may be sexually perverted.

"What sort of perversion are you talking about?" asks the doctor.

"Well," said the woman "I like to be..............ohh.... .....ah....ummm....I'm sorry doctor, but I'm too ashamed to talk about it."

"Come, come, my dear. I'm a doctor you know; I've been trained to understand these problems. So what's the matter......?"

So the woman again tried to explain, but got so embarrased that she just turned bright red, and looked as though she might faint.

It was then the doctor had a bright idea: "Look," he said "I'm a bit of a pervert myself. So if you show me what your perversion is, I'll show you what mine is. Ok? Is it a deal?"

The woman considered the offer, and after a short while agreed that it was a fair request. So after a slight pause she said: "Well my perversion is.......my perversion.......oh......I like to be kissed on the bottom!"

"Shit Is that ALL!" said the doctor. "Look, go behind that screen, take all your clothes off, and I'll come round and show you what MY perversion is! Hee Hee!"

So the woman does as she is told, and undresses behind the screen. She gets down on all fours thinking to herself "Hmmmm, perhaps he might kiss me on the bum."

Anyway, 15 minutes pass and nothing has happened. So the woman peers around the side of the screen to see the doctor sat behind his desk, his feet up on the table, reading a newspaper and whistling to himself.

"Hey!" shouted the woman "I thought you said you were a pervert?"

"Oh I am," said the doctor "I've just shit in your handbag."

There are four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.

Everybody was sure Somebody would do it Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

An old Jew and a young Jew are travelling on the train. The young Jew asks: "Excuse me, what time is it?" The old Jew does not answer. "Excuse me, sir, what time is it?" The old Jew keeps silent. "Sir, I'm asking you what time is it. Why don't you answer?!" The old Jew says: "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, I'll have to invite you to my home. You're hand- some, and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you will want to get married. Tell me, why would I need a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"

Three men sitting around a campfire telling stories. The conversation turns to medical miracles:

First man: There's a guy who lives up the street from me who used to work in construction. One day last year his hand got run over by a bulldozer. Whatever those doctors did, it's really amazing - today he's a concert pianist.

Second man: That's nothing. I knew a guy in college - laziest bum I ever knew. He was really fat and out of shape. He was trying to hitch a ride one day and got hit by a truck. Broke nearly every damn bone in his body. Somehow they put him back together better than he was before. Now he's a triathlete and he's planning to try out for the olympics.

Third man: Yeah, well I knew this poor retarded kid. He couldn't do a whole lot, but someone at the dynamite factory got charitable and gave him a job as a stockboy. Anyways, he's working in the warehouse one day and gets locked in. It's dark and he can't find the door. Not being too bright, he lit a match to try and find his way. The whole place exploded. All they could find of him was his asshole and his eyebrows. From that little bit they were able to put him back together and today that kid is the governor of Massachusetts.

Two retired English gents are sitting in their armchairs in a London Gentlemans club reading their respective papers.

"By jove," said one "do you remember old Crotherrs during the war? Well it seems that they've found him after forty years living up a tree with a Gorilla!"

"I say," said the second "male or female Gorilla?"

"Well female of course, nothing queer about old Crotherrs."

Two ex-World War II American Generals were sat in a hotel bar, late at night, reminiscing over the old days.

The first used to be in the Army, while the second spent his active service in the Navy. The first general insisted that the Army had the greatest reputation when it came to women, and that he had slept with hundreds during the war. However, the second was claiming that the Navy had, by far, the most virile young men, and that he has slept with more women than the first General.

"Hoss-piss!!" said the first man "I jest know I's a slept with mow women than youse!"

"Sheeeeet No!! - I know for a fact that I have!"

"Ok then, when did you last sleep with a woman?" said the first General.

"About nineteen forty-five" said the other.

"You call that VIRILE!! Geez, you're practically CELIBATE!"

So the second general looked at his watch and said "Well don't forget it is only twenty-one thirty now."

MEMORANDUM

From: Headquarters - New York
To: General Managers

Next Thursday at 10:30 Halley's Comet will appear over this area. This is an event which occurs only once every 75 years. Notify all directors and have them arrange for all employees to assemble on the Company lawn and inform them of the occurrence of this phenomenon. If it rains, cancel the day's observation and assemble in the auditorium to see a film about the comet.

MEMORANDUM

From: General Manager
To: Managers

By order of the Executive Vice President, next Thursday at 10:30, Halley's Comet will appear over the Company lawn. If it rains, cancel the day's work and report to the auditorium with all employees where we will show films: a phenomenal event which occurs every 75 years.

MEMORANDUM

From: Manager
To: All Department Chiefs

By order of the phenomenal Vice President, at 10:30 next Thursday, Halley's Comet will appear in the auditorium. In case of rain over the Company lawn, the Executive Vice President will give another order, something which occurs only every 75 years.

MEMORANDUM

From: Department Chief
To: Section Chiefs

Next Thursday at 10:30 the Executive Vice President will appear in the auditorium with Halley's Comet, something which occurs every 75 years. If it rains, the Executive Vice President will cancel the comet and order us all out to our phenomenal Company lawn.

MEMORANDUM

From: Section Chief
To: All EA's

When it rains next Thursday at 10:30 over the Company lawn, the phenomenal 75 year old Executive Vice President will cancel all work and appear before all employees in the auditorium accompanied by Bill Halley and his Comets.

A leading defense analyst claims to have discovered the reasoning behind current US foreign policy.
He says that the US were late for the last two world wars and want to make up for it by being *really* *punctual* this time.