| 1341. Traffic lights
An American tourist in a taxi stopped at a pedestrian crossing controlled by traffic lights:
-- Say driver, what's that beeping noise? 1342. Promotional The following is a promotional spot heard on a college radio station: "Hello, this is God. Whenever I'm in Pittsburgh--which is all the time, since I'm omnipresent--I listen to all the radio stations at once, including WRCT." 1343. Meeting
A Belgian, Hans, meets one of his French friends, Pierre, in the
street, and says: 1344. Las Vegas Paddy the Irishman is on holiday with his girlfriend in Las Vegas. One night they, after paying a fortune for tickets, they go out to a club where, as paddy assures his friend, they will mingle with the stars. Sure enough the place is full of stars, and everyone seems to know everyone else with "Hiya Madonna" and "how do Clint" all over the place. Paddy's girlfriend is decidedly unimpressed that Paddy knows none of these stars, and nobody is interested in talking to them. On a visit to the toilet Paddy finds himself standing beside Frank Sinatra. Paddy explains the problem to him, tells him that he has been a fan for years and has all the records and asks him to help him out. All he has to do is walk past Paddy's table and shout "Howya Paddy". Frank is in a good mood so agrees to do this. Twenty minutes later sure enough Frank walks up to the table where Paddy and his girlfriend are sitting alone talking. "Howya Paddy" shouts Frank. Paddy turns round and says "Will you ever f**k off Frank, can't you see that I'm talking to my girlfriend?" 1345. What? Two women are walking down the Falls road in Belfast. Says Maire to Brid "Don't them soldiers look very stupid wearing camouflage in the middle of the city?" Says Brid to Maire "What soldiers". 1346. Volunteers Two IRA volunteers are waiting in ambush for an English army patrol that is due to pass at midday. It doesn't arrive at 12, or at 1 and by 2 Seamas is getting worried. "God Sean" says he, "they're awful late. I hope nothing's happened to them!" 1347. Computer Stories from a Field Service Engineer When I worked for a company that had a contract with 3M, 3M had asked me to write them a memo describing why we were having problems with diskette failures. I said in the memo that the disks were failing due to head crashes. "If the customers would just clean their heads periodically, we wouldn't have these problems," I said in the memo. One customer responded with "What kind of shampoo do you recommend?" An end-user hotline received a call about a bad software disk. They asked the customer to make a copy of the disk and mail it in to the hotline. A few days later, they received a letter with a mimeographed copy of the disk. Since it was a double-sided disk, both sides of the disk had been xeroxed. A Computer Operator says as she is lifting an RP06 disk pack from the drive: "Gee, how much does one of these weigh?" Me: "It depends on how much data is on the disk.... The operator believed it. I had a similar experience while working as a student operator at Michigan Tech. One particularly trying afternoon, the computer was merrily crashing for a number of reasons. After about four such spectacles, we broadcast that the computer would be down for the remainder of the afternoon. There was a resigned groan from the users and they began to file out of the Center, except for one comely young woman with wide blue eyes who wandered up to the counter and queried: "What's wrong with the computer?" Too tired and irritated to give her a straight answer, I looked her straight in the eye and replied: "Broken muffler belt." A look of deep concern wafted into her expression as she asked: "Oh, that's bad. Can you call Midas?" I work for University Computing Services answering questions about any and all aspects of computing here, and as a result I run into some truly astonishing mental densities... A few excerpts from the Helpdesk: Caller: "What's the name for when you're entering data into the computer?" HD: "Data Entry." Caller: "Thank you!" Overheard in a student computer lab: Client (raising hand and waving frantically): "The computer says 'Enter your name and press RETURN.' What do I do??" Lab Assistant: "Enter your name and press RETURN." Client (as if a revelation has struck): "Oh!" Another friend of mine in a similar situation reports having a student in the lab one day, who had to abort out of the SET PASSWORD sequence because he couldn't think of a six-letter word. 1348. Fishing One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was walking by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!" The sister said "Sir you shouldn't talk to me like that: I'm a nun", and the man said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said "Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught." The mother superior said "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!", and the sister said "But mother superior, that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the mother superior said "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the fish the monsignor walked in and she said "Monsignor look at the goddamn fish that the sister caught." The monsignor said "Mother superior you shouldn't talk like that!", and the mother superior said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the monsignor said "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll cook it". That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said "Wow what a nice fish". And the sister said "I caught the goddamn fish." And mother superior said "I cleaned the goddamn fish". And the monsignor said "I cooked the goddamn fish". And the new priest said: "I like this fucking place already!" 1349. Old man
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.
As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and
he falls. As he gets up, a seven year old kid, sitting nearby, turns to
him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick,
it wouldn't slip." 1350. The first cricket match
A native went to his first cricket match and described it
to his witchdoctor after he got back. |