| 1501. Continuing the series on scientific socialism...
This NUTWORKS article Experimental method:
Set stop watch to zero. It is now a simple process to calculate the speed of the electons as they travel along the cable and into the radio. That is, length of cable divided by the time taken from the insertion of the plug to the hearing of the music will give you the speed of the electons in M/sec. e.g 2/10 = 0.2 M/sec Anomolies: Contradictory results are obtained using transistor radios, where the speed of electrons is thousands of times faster. Electrons flow faster into a pre-heated 5 valve radio. Electon speed is not really dependent on length of cable. In short cables, electons flow slowly... in long cables, electrons flow fast. And now for the NUTWORKS contribution to the field of socialistic electrical science. ELECTRICITY Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical question: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson. It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuff your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpet so that they will attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travel down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit. AMAZING ELECTRONIC FACT: If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything with your finger, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting. Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mi- xers, etc. for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in. Then along came along the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a serious electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as, "A penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually, he had to be given a job running the post office in America. After Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Juhani Volt, Vladimir Amp, Raimo Watt, Seppo Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments. Among them, Galvani discovered ***this is the truth I swear on Lennin's beard*** that when he attached two different kinds of metals to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, squashed by a steam roller for example, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond -- where it sinks like a stone. But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edisonovitch, (known to his competitors as Thomas Sonovabitch), who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey, America. Edisonovitch's first major invention in 1877 was the phonograph, which soon could be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when records for it were developed. But Edisonovitch's greatest achievement came in 1879 when he invented the electric company. Edisonovitch's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediatley gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again. This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands times of times a day and never get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. It has come to our attention that the last year any new electricity was generated in America was 1937. So you see how exploited the people are in that country. This is capitalism at its very worst. Consumerism is the opium of the people. In the Baltic were are proud to say we only use our electricity once... this saves us a considerable investment in not having to run a second copper wire back to the power station. Today, thanks to men like Edisonovitch, and Franklin and frogs like Galvani's, we receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity. For example, in the past decade, scientists have developed the laser, an electronic appliance so powerful that it can vaporize a bulldozer 2000 yards away, yet so precise that doctors can use it to perform delicate operations to the human eyeball,provided they remember to change the power from "Bulldozer" to "Eyeball." Igor Blimey (your Baltic Corrispondent) 1502. Family
"So, little boy, who in your family do you look like?" 1503. In a barber shop A young girl is sitting in a barber shop with her mother, eating a twinkie, and anxiously awaiting her first hair cut. When her turn comes, she brings her twinkie with her to the chair, and the barber covers her. Soon, she pulls the twinkie out for a bite. "You're getting hair on your twinkie," the barber playfully warns. "Yes, I know," replies the girl. "And I'm getting boobs, too." 1504. Short ones "This book fills a well needed gap in the literature."
Why was Jesus Irish?
Why wasn't Jesus Italian?
How do you fit twenty Pakistanis in a tyre?
How do you fit twenty Englishmen in a mini? 1505. To the docter A man goes to the doctor and says: - Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do? - I think that is a wise decision. Let's see, do you smoke? - Oh.. half a pack a day. - Starting NOW no more smoking. The man agrees. The doctor then asks: - Do you drink? - Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while - Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions. The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The doctor continues: - How do you eat? - Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff. - Starting now you are going on a very strict diet: you are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese. The man is now really worried. - Doc, is all this really necessary? - Do you want to live long? - Yes. - Absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet, The man is quite restless, but hte doctor continues: - Do you have sex? - Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife! he adds hurriedly. - As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None. The man is appalled. - Doc... are you sure I'm going to live longer this way? - I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity. 1506. Baker's shop
A man enters a baker's shop and asks for a loaf. 1507. Birth control pills An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night." 1508. Two very elderly men
Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex: 1509. Classic riddles:
Scene: A man is found dead in a locked room in a puddle of water.
Scene: A man gets out of bed, and kills himself.
Scene: A man goes into a restaurant and orders some albatross. After some delay, the food arrives. He takes a taste, and then kills himself. Why? 1510. What happend? Many have experienced the confusion of traffic accidents and have had to summerize correctly what happened in a few words or less on insurance or accident forms. The following quotes were taken from those forms and were eventually published in the Toronto Sun Paper. 1) Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. 2) The other car collided with mine without giving warning of it's intentions. 3) I though my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my hand through it. 4) I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. 5) A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. 6) A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. 7) The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. 8) I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. 9) In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. 10) I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home, as I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision. 11) I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. 12) I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble, when my universal joints gave way, causing me to have an accident. 13) As I approched the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared to stop in time to avoid the accient. 14) To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. 15) My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. 16) An Invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. 17) I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull fracture. 18) I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side of the street when I struck him. 19) The pedestrian had no idea which way to go, so I ran over him. 20) I saw the slow moving, sad faced gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car. 21) I was thrown from my car as it left the road, I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows. 22) The telephone pole was approching fast, I attempted to swerve out of it's way, when it struck the front of my car. |