KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

1: Did you hear what happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?
2: No, what?
1: He was repossessed.

Q: "Do you like Kipling?"
A: "Don't know, I have never kippled."

Q: What's a man who'se got his dick in the biscuit tin?
A: Fucking crackers.

Save a tree: Eat a beaver.

What goes in dry, pink and hard, and comes out wet, pink and soft? Chewing gum.

"I used to have a shirt just like that..."
{pause for effusive thanks}
"... then I got a job."

A Swiss-cheese sandwich goes into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "I'm sorry: we don't serve food here."

Seen on a birthday card:

Outside:

Forget about the past,

You can't change it.

Forget about the future,

You can't predict it.

Inside:

Forget about the present,

I didn't buy you one.

What's black and shrivelled and hangs from the ceiling?
An Irish Electrician.

What do you call an Irishman nailed to the wall?
Art.

What do you call an Irishman with no lower legs?
Neil.

What do you call an Irishman in a Vat of Acid?
Stu.

What do you call a baby that's eaten both it's parents?
An orphan.

Don't drink and drive. You may hit a bump and spill it!

Q: Why won't Florence Griffiths' husband have sex with her?
A: Because, every time she comes first, she wants a gold medal.

Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as division.

Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?"

Cold, adj.:
When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own pockets.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the instruction afterward.

Woman A: "Isn't your new baby lovely. Was your husband present at the birth?"
Woman B: "No. He wasn't even present at the conception!"

Jesus Christ goes into this hotel, walks up to the hotel clerk, slaps three iron nails on the desk and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

Jesus was walking through the desert one day, when he comes across a crowd of people, preparing to stone a prostitute to death. He enquires as to what is happening and why. The people respond that they are going to stone her because she is a prostitute, and as such a sinner! So they bury her up to her head in sand and are about to stone her when Jesus walks over her and speaks to the crowd, finishing up with "Let the person who is without sin, cast the first stone". The crowd fidgets for a while and then starts to walk away. Just as most of them had decided to leave, a huge stone comes flying over and hits the prostitute in the head, killing her. And Jesus turns around and says "You know, you really piss me off at times, Mother."

EXAMPLES OF UNCLEAR WRITING, SENTENCES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL LETTERS RECEIVED BY A LOCAL WELFARE DEPARTMENT TO APPLICATIONS FOR SUPPORT...

I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited by the clergy regularly.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?

I am glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead.

This is my ninth child. What are you going to do about it?

Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't eat or do "anything" until he knows for sure.

I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is as dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born.

In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.

I am fowarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.

My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. What are you going to do about it?

Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

You have changed my little boy to a little girl. Will this make any difference.

I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

I want my money as quick as I can get it. I've been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things do not improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

A beautiful young brunette was about to undergo a minor operation.
She had been prepared and wheeled along to the operation chamber's door where the nurse had left her to check if the operation staff were ready.
Hardly had the nurse left when a young man in a white coat came up to the trolley, lifted the sheet, examined her closely and walked away, nodding reflectively. He consulted with another man in a white coat who then approached the woman, lifted the sheets, examined her intimately and walked away.
When a third man appeared and drew back the sheet, the young woman demanded to know when they were going to get on with the operation.
"I've no idea lady," the young man said, "we're just painting the corridor."

One night in the pub, the publican is lamenting the fact that business is so quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. As he moans to some of the regulars a stranger, dressed in a tweed jacket and wearing glasses wanders over and says,
"I'm sorry, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. I'm a doctor at the lunatic asylum up the road and I'm trying to integrate some of the more sane individuals into the community. Why don't I bring some of my patients along, say next Tuesday. You'll have some customers and my patients will have a night out !"
Well, the publican isn't sure but the thought of more paying customers on a quiet night appeals, so he agrees. So, the following Tuesday the guy in the tweed jacket and glasses shows up with about ten lunatics. He says to the publican,
"Give them whatever they want, put it on a tab and I'll settle up at closing time."
The publican has a great time selling loads of drinks and encouraging the loonies to eat crisps and peanuts. The loonies have a great time, getting drunk but they behave themselves. At closing time the publican adds up the bill and it comes to just over a hundred pounds ! The guy with the glasses and the tweed jacket starts to organise the loonies ready to take them back to the asylum. Finally he comes over and asks for the bill. The publican, feeling that he's charged them rather a lot and feeling he should do his bit to help these poor unfortunate people gives him a discount.
"Its eighty quid," he says. The guy in the tweed jacket smiles and says, "That's fine. Have you got change for a dustbin lid ?"

Scene:
A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living room. A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and white toque hunches over the fireplace, filling stockings with gifts, sees the boy over his shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly.

Caption:
"I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you."

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.

During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"

A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"

"Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"

There's an apple on a lawn and a worm sitting right beside it. The worm is rather interested in the apple is about to start eating. There's a bird that sees the worm and apple in a tree nearby. He is already dreaming about the juicy worm when he decides to wait for the worm to eat the apple so that he will have a larger worm. Then there's a cat behind some bushes who watches the whole scene and thinks: If the worm eats the apple, the bird will eat the worm and I can have the bird.

Ok, the worm eats the apple, nice apple, the bird eats the worm, nice and juicy indeed, and the cat jumps to catch the bird but misses and falls into a pond.

What's the moral of this story?
The longer the preparations, the wetter the pussy.....

Alas, as the computing power spent on the Etac Project is needed for Gulf war nuclear simulations, for a while we must leave this group to the lusers. Let us hope it is still there after, say, January 15. Included is an extra big chunk of jokes to cheer up your Christmas dinner guests. Oh by the way, do you know why the Gulf war has been postponed till next year? Otherwise all those prerecorded Christmas shows would have become worthless!

The aging head of a secluded Monastary decides he will take a walk into the nearby town for the first time in 30 years. As he's walking down the street he passes a hooker on a corner who says "Hey twenty dollars for a quicky".
Confused, he walks past another corner and another hooker says "Hey padre, twenty dollars for a quicky". He has no idea whats going on, so he returns to the monastary and calls the Mother Superior to his office and asks her "Whats a quicky?" She replies "Twenty dollars, same as in town".