KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

One night, while she and her husband were making love, an Australian woman suddenly noticed something sticking in his ear. When she asked him what it was he replied 'Be quiet! I'm listening to the football.'

A young priest was having difficulty keeping his audience awake. He asked an elder colleague for some help.
"Well," said the other priest "I like to shock'em awake. Once I told them 'Last night I held another ma's wife in my arms.' When the furor died down I added, "It was my own dear mother." Much impressed the younger, more boring, priest resolved to give it a try.
During his sermon -- at about the three hour point -- he heard snoring.
"Last night" he cried "I held another man's wife in my arms."
There was a gasp, and a hush of disapproval fell on the congregation. The priest was flustered.
"She was" he stammered "she was ... Oh dear I forget who she was."

A guy walks into a store and asks the guy behind the counter for Polish Ham.

The storekeeper asks him, "Are you Polish?"

The man is insulted. "If I came in here and asked for French bread, would you have asked me if I was French? If I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you have asked me if I was German?
If I had asked for Swiss Cheese, would you have asked me if I was Swiss? If I had asked for Spanish peanuts, would you have asked me if I was Spanish? ... So why did you ask me if I was Polish?!"

The clerk replied,

"Well, sir, this is a hardware store."

Why don't Italians barbecue?
Because the Spaghetti falls through the grill....

OK, like, so there were these three priests. Insert your denomination here. There's a young priest, a middle-aged priest, and an elderly priest.

They're taking a business trip to Pittsburgh, and they need small change for the tolls and tips and such. So at the airport, when they approach the ticket agent to buy the airline tickets, the young priest saunters up to the young woman who is behind the booth.

He notices that she has a very sheer blouse on when he gets close...and, well, frankly, her nipples are rather visible. This woman has quite a bodacious set of tatas; that is to say; she has massive gazongas. Our young clergyman hero speaks thusly, "I'd like three pickets to Tittsburgh, please!"

Well, needless to say, he is a mite flustered. The middle-aged priest comforts him. "It happens to the best of us, m'lad. Let me take care of this."

He swaggers up to the sheer blouse-clad wench. "I'd like three tickets to Pittsburgh, please," he enunciates confidently. "And I'd like the change in nipples and dimes." Well, that blows his bravado.

Red-faced, he retreats back to his brethren. "My son, let me handle this," reassures the kind, grandfatherly church elder.

He approaches the ticket agent. "I'd like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he avers cleanly. "And I'd like the change in nickles and dimes."

"Certainly," replies the young lady.

"Thank you my dear," he adds, glancing cockily at his fellow clergymen. "My prayer for you will be that when you die, St. Hand has his peter out to greet you."

A woman goes into a greengrocer and is looking round anxiously at a pile of oranges.

"Can I help you madam?" asks the shopkeeper.

"Well, I was looking for some fruit for my husband. Have these oranges been treated with any posoinous fertilizer or weedkiller?" she replies.

"No madam, you'll have to get that from the chemist's."

Guy is in a bar and he sees a couple of women.
One is absolutely stunning and the other one is just a dog.
As he is eyeing the foxy chick and getting nowhere her friend walks up to him.

"How would like to meet my friend" the ugly chick asks "I would love to" he says
"How would you like to take her home" says the girl
"I'd kill for it"

"Would you like to feel her tits"
"God YES" he says as he gets more excited

"Would you like to stroke her ass"
"Love to"

"Would like to see her pussy"
"Fuck that would great"

"Would you like to feel her pussy"
"Please" he says

"Would you like to smell her pussy" she ask smiling
"Oh god yes" he says as he in on the verge of orgasm

"Ok" she says and leans over and breaths in his face.

A kid comes home from school and walks up to his mother . . .

"Mom! I found out that I have the largest pecker in the third grade!"

"That's great son." says his mother.

"Is it because I am black?" says the kid?

"No, it is probably because you are 18 years old." says his mother.

A golfer hooks his drive into the woods to the left of the fairway. While looking for his ball he happens upon a leprechaun. The leprechaun asks him, "How's your round of golf is going?". The golfer admits, "I'm having one of my worst rounds ever." The leprechaun zaps the golfer with a magic spell.
The leprechaun then asks, "How's your sex life doing?" The golfer replies, "In all honesty, I haven't had any in years." So, the leprechaun zaps him with another spell. The golfer goes on to have his best round ever.

Two months later the golfer is playing the same course. He checks to see if the leprechaun is still around. Sure enough, he spots him in the woods. The leprechaun asks, "How's how has your golf been lately?" The golfer responds with pride, "I'm playing the best golf of my life." The leprechaun than asks, "How's your sex life doing?" The golfer replies happily, "I've been getting some almost every other week." The leprechaun seemed dismayed and said, "Boy, I would have thought you would be doing much better than that." The golfer replied, "Well for a priest, from a small town, with no car, every other week isn't so bad."

This guy goes into a bar and asks for a pint of beer. While the barman's pouring it, he looks about the place, and sees a piano man sitting there in front of the old ivories, giving it a bit of a play, and his pet monkey, which is wandering about with a tin mug collecting money. Now just as the barman finishes pouring the guy's pint, and the guy pays him, the monkey drops its tin cup, charges along across the floor, up onto the bar, unzips its flies, and dunks its dick into the guy's pint. At which, the guy turns to the piano man and says;
"Do you know your monkey's dipped its dick in my beer?"
To which the piano man replies;
"No, but if you hum it, I'll improvise!"