KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Whats black and white and eats like a horse ?
A Zebra!

What do you get if you cross an Elephant with a Kangaroo?
Holes all over Australia.

How do you confuse Helen Keller ...
Put door handles on the walls

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to hold the bulb, four to drink until the room starts to spin.

Old McDonald was dyslexic, O-I-E-I-E.

"The more people I meet the more I like my dog."

Never argue with a woman when she's tired, or rested.

Strawberry Blonde - - - Ice, strawberries, heavy cream and enough rum to make you stupid.

How do you kill a leper?
Put him in a wind tunnel

Q: What do you call a dog with no hind legs, and steel balls?
A: Sparky.

If I follow you home will you keep me?

What has 4 legs and an arm?
A happy pit bull.

A horse goes into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.

"Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em"

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
A: A two-ton pickup.

A sandwich walks into a bar. It walks up to the bartender and says, "Hey, give me a beer!" The bartender looks at the sandwich and says, "Sorry pal, but we don't serve food in here."

Eagles soar, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.

United we stand, divided they have to hunt us down one at a time.

when i die, i'd like to go peacefully.
in my sleep.
like my grandfather.
not screaming,
like the passengers in his car...

It's OK for women to laugh at men, just don't point.

Don't be a sexist, broads hate that.

Q: What is the definition of wicker box?
A: It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

Q: What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A: A piece of ass that will bring tears to your eyes.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?
A: About 6 1/2 if you slice them thin enough.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.
After floating under the blazing sun for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water.
As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies live in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it.
Out popped a tired old genie who said, "OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I've been doing this 3-wishes thing for a while now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then I'm outta here! Make it a good one!"
The first guy, without thinking, blurted out, "give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!"
"Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean to beer.
"Great move, Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first guy on the side of his head. "Now we're gonna have to pee in the boat!"

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes.The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.
The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: "Use a thawed chicken."

An engineer thinks that equations approximate reality.
A physicist thinks that reality approximate equations.
A mathematician never makes the connection.

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?"
asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this, and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train, the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Results of Microsoft's New Name :

In an effort to help Microsoft Corporation regain some of it's former glory (and just to make everyone forget who the hell they are) the most recent poll at wwwVOice asked voters to suggest a new name for this software colossus. The following list is not necessarily the views of the wwwVOice website, or any of it's writers. (except for maybe the really funny ones)
Most Popular Suggestion: MacroHard Top Ten wwwVOice Favorites:
Monopoly
Micro$soft
WorldDominationSoft, Inc.
WankWare
Heep of Electronic Dung
My Crows Off
Turbocrash 97
Gates of Hell
Bill's Personal Market Monopoly Maker
Technology by Atilla
Most To-The-Point
I want to take over the world Inc.

The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, already." The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!." The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?" The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest,
"Where are you going, Father?".
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!", replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck". The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".
Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer". "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!

"Well, I was playing golf with my wife. I'd been having a great game but unfortunately she wasn't. On the 15th tee I hit a beautiful shot, 270 yards straight down the fairway. My wife steps up and hits a tremendous slice that leaves the course and lands in the pasture out of bounds. We both went looking for the ball and just as we were about to give up I spotted a glint of white coming from a cow's behind, just under its tail. I lifted the tail to make sure and then called to my wife saying 'Here, honey, this looks like yours'. That's the last thing I remember."