KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old girls house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game, and only boys can have a football!" The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother "I want a football!"
Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike. She holds up the football "Nah Na Nah Nah". The little boy angrily points to his bike and says "Oh yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can't have one!" She runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys bike.
The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!!!". The next day he walks by and asks her "Well, I guess I showed you!" to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!

So, we've all seen the reruns by now -- namely, the scene(s) in which Mike bites off a chunk of Evander's ear. Several rumors have started as a result of that act, and I feel that it is my responsibility to set the record straight ...
1. Mike Tyson was *not* quoted as saying, "Tastes just like chicken!"
2. This was *not* Tyson's way of asking Holyfield for a date.
3. Holyfield did *not* ask his doctor to gift-wrap the ear so he could give it to his girlfriend. Nor is there any truth to the rumors that he will quit boxing and take up painting, instead.
4. Finally, there is *absolutely* no truth the rumor that a team of veterinarians is secretly discussing whether Mike Tyson will now have to be put to sleep; similarly, rumors that Evander Holyfield will be receiving rabies vaccinations are completely specious at this point.
Personally, I don't think that Mike should lose his purse money, either -- much less be put to sleep. After all, boxing is a show, and Tyson certainly delivered on that.(*) OTOH, I *do* think that Mikey needs to be neutered to take a little bit of the "fight" out of him. After all, it works for dogs -- and it'd kill two birds with one stone, so to speak. :-)

One day Satan challenged Heaven to a baseball game. Peter took a quick look at the rosters and accepted, warning Satan that heaven had all the greatest players who ever died. Satan acknowledged this, but told Peter, "Don't worry, we have a secret weapon."
On the day of the game Peter asked Satan who his secret weapon was. Satan responded, "We have all the umpires."

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Holy Shit,YES! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of prostitutes."

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renowned scientific journal SPY Magazine, I am pleased to present this scientific inquiry into the existence of Santa Claus.
1) No known species of reindeer can fly, but there are 300,000 species of organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (defined as persons under 18) in the world; However, since Santa doesn't appear to handle Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist children, that reduces the workload down to 15% of the original total - 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average census rate of 3.5 children per household, that's only 91.8 million homes. One presumes that there is at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west. This works out to 822.6 visits per second. That is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chiminey, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chiminey, get back into the sleigh, and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which we know to be false but will accept for the purpose of these calculations), we are talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus eating, etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second. A conventional reindeer can run 15 miles per hour at the most.

4) The payload on the sleigh add another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-size set of Lego building blocks (about two pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer exist (see point 1), can fly very quickly (see point 2), and can pull ten times the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine, reindeer. We would need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparision, this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth 2.

5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This would heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they would burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within .00426 seconds. Santa, meanwhile, would be subjected to forces 17,500 times greater than normal gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion, if Santa ever did deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You're still chasing women but can't remember why.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."
You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
You burn the midnight oil until 9 pm.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
A fortune teller offers to read your face.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.
The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
You sink your teeth into a steak -- and they stay there.

This old man is walking along and sees a frog. The frog says, "Hey buddy, come here." The old man walks over and the frog says, "Pick me up." So the guy picks up the frog. Frog says, "If you rub me on my head, I will turn in to a beautiful woman and I will do anything you want me to do." The old man puts the frog in his pocket and starts to walk on. The frog squirms and wiggles in his pocket and says, "Hey! Take me out of your pocket!" So the old man takes the frog out of his pocket. The frog says, "I said if you will rub me on the head I will turn into a beautiful woman and I will do anything you want." To this the man replies, "Look at my age, I would rather have a talking frog."

A man walks up to a sheep farmer and says "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have down there, can I keep one?"
The farmer glances at the vast array of sheep, snickers, and says "Sure."
The man looks carefully at the sheep, then says "5,279."
The farmer, startled, says "How did you do that?"
"I'd rather not say," says the man. "Can I have my sheep?"
"I guess so," says the farmer. The man picks up an animal and starts to walk away.
"Wait!" yells the farmer. "If I can guess where you're from, will you give me my animal back?"
The man snickers, and says "Sure."
"You're from ," says the farmer.
The man, startled, says "How did you do that?"
The farmer says "I'd rather not say. Can I have my dog back?"

A man walks into a bar (oh, you've heard this?...) and asks the bartender for nine martinis. The bartender is intrigued asks why such a strange number.
Man: "I'm celebrating my first blow job."
Bartender: "Oh, in that case I'll give you one on the house. Have ten."
Man: "No, don't bother. If nine don't get the taste out of my mouth I don't think ten will."

One time this Texan moves up to Alaska to work on the pipeline. After finishing his first week of work, he walks into the local bar on Friday evening. He walks up to the bar where he sees an old-timer sitting there drinking out of a bottle of whisky. He says to the old-timer, "this place is really dead, what do y'all do for a good time around here?"
The old-timer looks at the Texan and says "on a good Friday night, we drink down a bottle of whisky, wrestle a polar bear, and make love to an eskimo". The Texan then grabs the bottle of whisky out of his hand, chugs it all down and says "I'll be back in a little while".
A couple of hours later, the Texan returns. He looks awful! He is covered from head to toe with scratches and blood. He is missing some hair, etc. He walks up to the old timer at the bar and says "Now where is that eskimo I'm supposed to wrestle?"