KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A fellow goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem that I am always farting all of the time. Although they don't smell, they do make loud noises, and it is affecting my social life." The doctor gives him some pills, and asks him to return next week. He returns, and says, "Those pills did no good. In fact they made things worse. I still fart as much, but now they smell terrible." To which the doctor replies, "Good! Now that we have your nose working again, lets work on your farting"

A man walks into a chemist (drugstore) and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to bust. The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, that if the man returns, to follow him.
Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns. "So did you follow him?"
"I did."
"And.. where di he go?"
"Round to your house..."

Smitty is interviewing for a new bartender. He asks the guy applying for the job how he became interested in tending bar.
"Actually," says the guy, "I learned to appreciate the value of mixing drinks when I was a forest ranger. Before I went off into the wilderness on my first assignment, my fellow rangers gave me a farewell party. As a going-away gift, they gave me a martini-making kit, a bottle of gin, vermouth, a mixer, a stirrer, and a bottle of olives. I was confused. Why would I need a martini set in the woods? A more experienced rangerset me straight."
"`You'll find this could be the most important piece of equipment you have. You may be out there in the wilderness totally alone for weeks, maybe months. Soon you'll remember your martini set. You'll take it out and begin to make yourself a martini, and within thirty seconds there will be someone at your side saying, "That's not the way to make a martini."'"

A young man moves to a village in Wales and gets talking to an old man from the village. He asks the old man what his name is, the old man gets very irrate at this point and says:
"See that line of houses over there?, I built them all but do they call me Jones the house builder? Do they hell!"
"See those railway lines over there?, I laid them all but do they call me Jones the engineer? Do they hell!"
"See those bridges over that river?, I built them all but do they call me Jones the bridge builder? Do they hell!"
"But, a long time ago, I fucked *one* sheep...................."

An English man, an American and a Scot were having tea. A fly came up and landed in the Englishman's tea. The man scooped the fly out of his tea, called the waiter and said "I say there's a fly in my tea."
As the waiter came back with the English man's tea, a fly landed in the American's tea "Damn!" The American shouted, standing up "There's a fly in my *(%$#@! tea!" Again the waiter headed off for a fresh cup.
Just as the waiter was coming back with the American's tea, a fly landed in the Scot's tea. "I notice there's a fly in your tea," the waiter says hurriedly, "Do you want me to get you another cup?"
"No" says the Scot who scoops the fly out of his cup and holding it by it's wings, shakes it and says "Spit it out ye wee bugger!"

One day, the old man in charge of ringing matins at the local monastery died, so the abbot decided to advertise for a new bell ringer. After running an ad for several days in the local newspaper, an applicant finally showed up. Much to the abbott's dismay, this man had no arms.
"I'm afraid," said the abbot, "that you don't have much of a career as a bell ringer ahead of you."
"Nonsense," said the man. "Let me show you what I can do."
So the abbot and the man go up into the bell tower, and the man proceeds to run full speed across the tower and throw himself face first into the bells. A lovely pealing sound results, and the abbott decides then and there to hire the man.
The man worked out fine as the monastery's bell ringer until several months later. While ringing the evening meal, the man missed the bells and plummeted from the bell tower, killing himself. In the resulting investigation, the chief of police called over the abbot and pointed out the dead man.
"Do you recognize this man?" asked the police chief.
"Hmmm," said the abbot. "I don't recall his name, but his face rings a bell."

A busload of priests have an accident, all of them were killed instantly. On arriving at the pearly gates, they find there's a terrible queue. St Peter is there looking at a big book, jotting down notes, mumbling occasionally. There is a person standing in front of his desk being processed. After some time St Peter says "Next" and another person or family steps up. For some reason race and nationality seems difficult for the priests to distinguish.
The wait seems to take forever, there is an enormous number of people waiting, and St. Peter doesn't seem to be hurrying.
People are arriving all the time, some in mangled states, some famished and some looking "normal" . Then a dishevelled man comes in, cigarette but hanging from his lips like it had taken root. The stubble on his chin looked as though it could sand diamonds.
He stands at the back of the queue like everyone else. St Peter however spies him and stands up and comes over to him.
"Oh come in... Come in... welcome... No need to queue, we have you already processed... Your residence is in order. Special treatment for you."
The priests have something to say about that. "Hey" says their spokesman.
"How come he gets the special treatment? We are afterall men of God."
"That man..." says St Peter, "Was a taxi driver. He has scared the HELL out of more people than any of you lot."

Seems a fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the near-by town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. And though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.
The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work, and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that damned fire truck."

Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'".
All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios."

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $90.00.
Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.