KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

"Ja, my name is Gunnar, and I can do yust about everything around de house, and it vont cost very much."
The woman replied, "Well, can you paint the porch out front? The paint is in the garage. I'll pay you five dollars"
"Ja, sure, dat is fine. I'll get right to it"
10 minutes later he rang the doorbell again, and he said he was done.
"Why that didn't take you very long at all," she exclaimed!
Ole smiled and said, "Ja, it's done. But, you vere
wrong. It wasn't a porch at all, it was a Mercedes."

There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. For the sake of this story, we'll call him Jack. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers and Client/Server programmers and website developers, Jack was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term assignments for prestige companies, traveling all over the world on different assignments. He was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it.

Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of the year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort of breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.

Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. This was very expensive process and totally automated. He was thrilled. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.

He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that.

The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie.

Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "Is it over?" he asked. "Is 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?"

The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. But the spokesman told Jack that he shouldn't get excited; someone important wanted to speak to him.

Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man that looked very much like Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of Earth. He told Jack not to be upset. That this was a wonderful time to be alive. That there was world peace and no more starvation. That the space program had been reinstated and there were colonies on the moon and on Mars. That technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear any music recorded anywhere.

"That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?"

"Well," said the Prime Minister. "The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL". 1573. Man/Woman

Man: "Haven't I seen you some place before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter" (or) "Stop."

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

Man: "Your hair color is fabulous."
Woman: "Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

There's just no pleasin' some women at all. Just the other day I was trying to read the paper and naturally, my wife picked that moment to begin a discussion. I heard her say "...and then I went to see Dr. Gibbons."
I grunted a reply, and she raised her voice saying, "Are you listening to me?"
I put the paper down and said, "Yes sweetheart, I heard every word.
You said you went to see Dr. Gibbons. So... how is he ???"
Would y'all believe she didn't talk to me the rest of the evening ?

It's not all that often a wife will confess her faults. Just the other nite my wife said, "Hon, I know I'm not the perfect wife, I realize I'm often too outspoken."
Risking all manner of flying objects, I couldn't resist the temptation and calmly replied, "Oh, by whom dear ?"

Women ! Who can figure 'em out ? Now that the kids are grown and gone, my wife sez she needs more "outside interests". I thought I'd surprise her and presented her with just the other day with a brand new fancy lawn mower.
Now, she's mad with me.

My wife is what's generally known as a "Strawberry Blonde", which is of course, half blonde/half redhead. Every once in a while though the blonde part gains the upper hand. On a recent trip to New York, there was a one of those small info signs on the check-in desk. It said: Breakfast 6-10; Lunch 11-3; Dinner 4-11.
She took one look at that and said "How in the world are we gonna do any sight-seeing ? We'll be so busy eating, we won't have time for anything else."

I saw in the paper the other day that there's a serious shortage of men in Washington DC. I commented on this fact to my wife and told her I might just go there. I added that the article said that men could earn $50 a nite easily as a gigolo.
She smiled and said, "And exactly how do you intend to live on $200 a month ?"

Try as I might though, I just can't seem to win many points with my wife.
Just the other day she was reminding me of how often she had to ask for my help with our kids. Then she pointed out that the youngest had moved out over eight years ago. I smiled and said "OK, what would you like me to do next ?" Again -- nothing but cold icy silence. I just don't understand that woman at all.

One morning following a tiff, I put my pants on too roughly & ripped the seam along the fly. I glared at my wife and said "I'll wear these today so everyone in the Office will know what I have to put up with."
She said, "No, I'll repair them. I don't want them to know what I have to put up with."