KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

A few years ago my wife started to wear tight jeans.
I went out and bought a convertible.
Then she bleached her hair.
I took a lot of multiple vitamin shots.
Just a few months ago, she had a face lift and a "tummy tuck."
I got an implant.
And that's the way its been for the two of us:
side by side -- growing young together.

I enjoy being imperfect, and somewhat of a klutz.
... I mean, think of the joy it brings to others.

I love to reminisce with people I don't know.
... Granted, it takes a lot longer.

I got a postcard with a photo of Earth taken from space.
... On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

You can't have everything ya know.
... Exactly where would you put it?

I went to a new general store that just opened.
... They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I locked my keys in the car the other day.
... Didn't have to call for help though, I was still in it.

Did ya ever wonder after they make styrofoam pellets;
... what the hell they ship them in?

Somehow, I'd have so much more faith in my financial advisor,
... if he weren't still working for a living.

My wife sez I like my "toys" better than I do her.
... Well, I'd like her too, if she had an "on/off" switch.

I once bought some eyeglasses at one of those discount places.
... I was walking down the street when the prescription expired.

Men's brains are amazing organs; they start working when you wake;
... and stop the moment you meet a pretty girl.

Actually, it's a good thing we have gravity;
... otherwise, when birds died, they'd just stay up there.

Damn good thing gravity's not too strong either.
... I mean, what if all those clouds crashed down on your house.

My wife has to be the world's biggest health nut.
... We even have a decaffeinated coffee table.

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill
... Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it !

Sex is not the answer -- Sex is the question.
... "Yes" is the answer.

If Clinton is the answer
... It must have been a really stupid question !!!

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains
... Because the average man can see better than he can think.

Sometimes the best way to convince a man he's wrong
... Is to let him have his own way.

Remember if ya can't be kind
... At least have the decency to be vague.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews. Now while you'll probably never fly on an Air Force plane, if you're not aware of this, similar procedures exist for airplanes, except the discipline is far more relaxed;
imagine what their logs read like !

PROBLEM,SOLUTION
Left inside main tire almost needs replacement,
Almost replaced left inside main tire

Test flight OK, except autoland very rough,
Autoland not installed on this aircraft

#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid,
#2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

[No response to Pilot's "come back"]
The autopilot doesn't
It does now !

Something loose in cockpit
Something tightened in cockpit

Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
Evidence removed

DME volume unbelievably loud
Volume set to more believable level

Dead bugs on windshield
Live bugs on order

Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
Cannot reproduce problem on ground

IFF inoperative
IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
That's what they're there for

Number three engine missing
Engine found on right wing after brief search

Aircraft handles funny
Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious

Target Radar hums
Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words

* The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons ?"
"Well... as a matter if fact, Yes !" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

* The two female teens were discussing a news article concerning gasoline fumes causing impotence in the male.
"Aren't you worried about Tommy's new job at the gas station?
Those fumes could cause him to lose the lead in his pencil."
"Doesn't matter." giggled the other girl. "He doesn't do all my writing anyway."

* Getting nowhere fast, the guy tried an old line on the girl:
"Besides... I'll bet we could make beautiful music together."
"Well sure," she replied, "provided your taste runs to 'The Minute Waltz'."

My wife and I have structured conversations: firstly, she gives me her opinion, then she gives me my opinion.

My home church welcomes all denominations, but really prefers tens and twenties.'m weird, but around here it's barely noticeable.

In response to the popular "Woman's 50 Rules for Men"...
I don't subscribe to all.....but for the most part.....

Here are some rules for women...

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
3. Don't make us guess.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
8. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
12. You have enough clothes.
13. You have too many shoes.
14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
15. Your brother is an idiot.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries.
18. Share the bathroom.
19. Share the closet.
20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Nothing says 'I love you' like a quickie in the morning.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
24. Check your oil.
25. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

DR. SEUSS' LESSER-KNOWN BOOKS

1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Feels a Ho
6. The Lemon Fresh Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. Are You My Proctologist?
11. Yentl the Lentil
12. Aunts in My Pants
13. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
14. The Grinch's Ten Inches

(I apologize if this has been posted recently. And I do not know the original author)

This doesn't work on paper, but you can reel someone in with this when told orally.
You state "Hey, I heard an incredible statistic from [name a source] that the number one carrier of AIDS in this country are people age 65 and older!"
You'll probably get a wide-eyed look and a "Really?" because it takes a second for people to assess the absurdity of that statement. So you pause and then say:
"Yeah. Hearing aids, walking aids, bandaids, sleepaids,...."
BTW, I suggest you duck at this point.

Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father. One boy said: "my father is better than you father." The other kid said: "Oh yeah! Well, my mother is better than your mother."
The 1st boy paused and then said: "I guess you're right. My father says the very same thing."

A 70 year old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 18 year old girl and falls immediately in love. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they return, a friend ask him: "Well, how was it?" "Oh it was beautiful", he says. "The sun, the surf, the fresh air...we mad love almost every night." His friend intejects: "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?" "Oh", says the old man, "we almost made love on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on......"