KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

1591. Sesame Street Bus (may be offensive to obese)

Did you ever wonder how those kids get to Sesame Street to tape the show?
Well, there is a Sesame Street Bus!
John was new at driving the bus and didn't really know what to expect of the kids. At his first stop, a little girl gets on and marches up to him and says,"Hi, my name is Pat and I'm fat." She then sits in the back of the bus. Second stop another girl gets on and says,"Hi, I'm Patricia and I'm obese."
She goes and sits next to Pat. John just shakes his head.
Third stop, a little boy gets on and says to John,"I'm Ross, and I'm special." He marches to the back and sits by the girls.
Next stop, another boy gets on and says, "My name is Lester Cheese." Lester sits down right behind John and proceeds to take his shoes and socks off. He has bunions on his feet and starts to pick at them.
John is watching in his rearview mirror and doesn't notice a stop sign as he blows through it. As luck would have it, a police officer was sitting there, pulled him over and started really giving him a tongue-lashing for dangerous driving with kids on the bus.
John said to the officer, "Please give me a break. Don't you realize what I have here? -- 2 obese patties, special ross, lester cheese picking bunions on a sesame street bus!"

1592. Police Officer

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!

1593. Short ones

It must be true men are from Mars. Look at how the place is decorated.

If you think an ego trip takes a lot of baggage, you should try a guilt trip.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

I stayed up all night worrying if I'd get enough sleep.

When I was a kid growing up we had a smoking control. She was called Mama.

If at first you don't succeed, you are about average.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the seaty things.

If two wrongs don't make a right, what do two rights make?

1594. Shatabdi express

Shatabdi express from Bombay to Delhi stopped amidst thick forest.
Suddenly few dacoits enter the train with syringes filled with blood.
They announce that they have HIV infected blood in the syringe, any passenger not willing to give his belongings will be injected and has to suffer from AIDS. One Saradarji sitting in a corner seat smiles. All passengers start giving their belongings. Docoits start collecting from one by one but our Saradarji refuses to give in even though he did not have much belongings. Dacoits warn him that they will inject him with the blood but Sardarji starts laughing. The dacoits inject him with the virus and take off. All passengers gather round him and ask why he refused to separate with his belongings at the cost of his life . The Sardar replies " You see they didn't know that I was wearing a condom " !!

1595. More short ones

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
Three more beers !

Q: What is the definition of wicker box?
A: It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

1596. Limited intelligence

Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.
After floating under the blazing sun for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water.
As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies live in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it.
Out popped a tired old genie who said, "OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I've been doing this 3-wishes thing for a while now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then I'm outta here! Make it a good one!"
The first guy, without thinking, blurted out, "give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!"
"Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean to beer.
"Great move, Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first guy on the side of his head. "Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat!"

1597. Sees!

The optimist sees a glass that's half full.
The pessimist sees a glass that's half empty.
An engineer sees a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be!

1598. the US Federal Aviation Administration

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes.The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.
The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: "Use a thawed chicken."

1599. Results of Microsoft's New Name:

In an effort to help Microsoft Corporation regain some of it's former glory (and just to make everyone forget who the hell they are) the most recent poll at wwwVOice asked voters to suggest a new name for this software colossus. The following list is not necessarily the views of the wwwVOice website, or any of it's writers. (except for maybe the really funny ones)