| 1651. What is an American?
We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car. We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs. We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour. Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes. We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don't know half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner". We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time. We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild. We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm. In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business. We are the only people in the world who will pay $.50 to park our car while eating a $.25 sandwhich. We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it. We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power. We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car. We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces. 1652. About Loss This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children. I'll never forget that game of cards... 1653. You are in my will... * The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..." 1654. Why did you die? Cal, up in Kelowna, BC, Canada, told me about the time he was putting flowers on his Grandmother's grave when he noticed a man, very distraught, in front of a tombstone several yards away. The man was on his knees, hands tightly clasped in front of him, rocking back and forth, head tilted upward to heaven, tears streaming down his cheeks, moaning softly, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" Over and over again. Cal was overcome with emotion at the sight and went over to the poor man to try and console him. "Why did you die? Why did you die?" Again and again. Cal gently put his arm around the man and half whispered to him, "My Grandmother is buried just over there, is a loved one of yours buried here?" "No," sniffled the man, "It's my wife's first husband." 1655. Halloween Party A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new "action". She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one helluva time!" 1656. Klingon Programmers Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon on your software development team:
10) "This code is a piece of crap! You
have no honor!"
1657. Another Clinton Joke Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love. They exchanged hellos, and went on their way. As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today." She smirked and replied, "No. If I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States." 1658. Stay out of the dorms On the first day of college, the dean/principal addresses the students pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?".
To this, a male student in the crowd inquires: 1659. Ovi's World of the Bizarre STUPID CRIMINALS -- Lee County sheriffs are looking for a bank robber with an unusual camouflage. "I'm looking for a guy with a beach ball on his head," said Spec. Russell Graham. The bandit had eye holes cut in the beach ball covering his head and was wearing plastic bags over his hands. The robber escaped with an undisclosed amount of cash. "You don't see that every day," said Graham. [Fort Myers, Fla. Nando Times, 07-02] -- Lou Riggs was awaken by a noise in the living room early one morning. "I heard someone inside my fireplace saying 'Hello,'" Riggs said. She awakened her husband who immediately called police. When the Blytheville Rescue Squad arrived at the scene they found Charlie Boyd, 21, wedged into the chimney. The intruder dropped 50 feet through a 12 inch opening only to become jammed about 4 feet from the bottom. Boyd was charged with breaking and entry, burglary and theft. [Blytheville, Ark., AP, 07-03] -- Secret Service agents arrested Michael Robinson for illegally using Jimmy Carter's credit card to purchase $45 worth of compact discs. Agents claim that Robinson, 24, obtained the former president's credit card number while working at a restaurant located only 10 miles from Carter's hometown. If convicted, Robinson could face up to three years in prison. [Americus, Ga., Nando Times, 07-03] -- Keith Porter, 19, was determined to work. So determined in fact, that the rural volunteer fireman set fires just so he can earn extra money for college. Porter was charged with 11 counts of arson and could get up to 115 years in prison and pay over $200,000 in fines. Volunteer firefighters earn $5 an hour. [Weiser, Id., The Advocate - Baton Rouge, 07-03] -- A man who was in a rush to get to a hospital became agitated over slow traffic, got out of his vehicle and began threatening motorists with a sword. "The sword was very ornate," Officer Steve Smith said. "(It was) like something Conan would be using. It had snakes and skulls. There was an eagle with wings and claws. This thing was huge." The unidentified man was not arrested. [Aspen. Colo., AP, 07-03] STRANGE LAWSUITS -- How much is a testicle worth? That's what an expert has to determine in a court case where a man lost his left testicle as a result of a club brawl. The victim and his health insurance company want three million Belgian francs ($83,000) for psychological and aesthetic damages suffered in an April 1994 knife fight. [Brussels, Reuter, 07-02] -- A New York businessman is suing Air France for $12 million after crew members blasted through the aircraft's bathroom door, pulled him out while he was partly naked and accused him of smoking on the flight. Raviv Laor, 27, claims he was humiliated and abused by the crew who responded to the smoke detector alarm. "It turned out the alarm was defective," Laor's attorney Michael Wolin said. "(Laor was) with his pants down and in the process of going to the bathroom," he added. "(He) was viciously assaulted and physically attacked by several crew members who pulled him naked outside the bathroom exposing his genitals and other private body parts to seated passengers." [New York, Reuter, 07-02] -- A 270-pound man has filed a lawsuit against his employer, Coca Cola-Enterprises, after finding the following memo on his desk: "Hire people who will help you succeed. Here is a tip to live by: If they are fat and slow when you interview them, they are going to be the same when they work here." Roy Fairchild, a sales manager for the company, said he "took it personally" when he read his supervisor's memo. Fairchild, 47, also claims his supervisor, Dave Meeks, made fun of him while passing out company jackets, saying, "Everybody got their jacket except Roy because they didn't have his size. He ordered an extra, extra, extra large." [San Francisco, AP, 07-03] -- John Kahlig sued his own attorney after finding out he was having an affair with his wife. A jury awarded the former car dealer $1.6 million in damages, $500,000 more than he asked for. The jury found attorney Stephen Boyd guilty of deceptive practices and fraud. [San Antonio, Nando Times, 07-03] -- John Lowe sued the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes baseball team after being distracted by the team's mascot and getting hit by a foul ball. Lowe said he turned around when touched by the dinosaur mascot's tail and could not react in time when a foul ball hit him in the face. Lowe suffered several broken bones. [San Bernardino, Calif., AP, 07-02] UNUSUAL WEAPONS: ANIMALS -- A man called police after his former girlfriend used two mice to "assault" him, knowing he was afraid of the rodents. The unidentified man told police she placed the mice on the table, then put them in his bed before she left. [Clarenville, Newfoundland, Kingston Whig-Standard, 07-04] -- A man used a snake as a weapon and stole items from two stores while terrified staff and clients fled for safety. "Most women are scared of snakes, so he did not even need to say anything," a police spokesperson said. [Kristianstad, Sweden, Toronto Globe and Mail, 07-04] IN OTHER BIZARRE NEWS: A man and a woman were robbed by their best man on their wedding day. It gets worse. The groom ended up in jail. Wanda Hale and David Summer awoke on their wedding morning to discover the best man, Timothy Ramsey, was gone with their $300 in cash, $3,800 in jewelry and their pick up truck. The couple admitted they had not known Ramsey long. The husband-to-be was arrested after shouting obscenities at police officers. The couple got married the next day. The best man was arrested and charged with grand larceny. [Gaffney, S.C., AP, 07-02] -- Do you think Evander Holyfield had it rough when Mike Tyson took a bite out of his ear? A Holyfield fan shot and killed his friend during an argument over the fight. Another Holyfield fan beat up his Tyson fanatic neighbor after he refused to pay him a $1,100 bet on the fight. And finally, another Holyfield fan barred his daughter's boyfriend from seeing her again because he was a ... Tyson fan. [Manila, Philippines, Reuter, 07-02] -- Harry Watts always reminded his wife that he wanted to die in church. Last Sunday his wish came true. "The service started at 11, and he was gone by 11:30," said his wife, Oneda. Watts had a bad feeling on the way to church. "He said, 'This is a bad day or something,'" Oneda added. "I think God filled his wishes. [Ozark, Mo., Nando Times, 07-02] -- Protesting the use of taxpayers' money to finance political parties, Italian politician Marco Pannella and members of his Radical Party handed out 100 million lire ($60,000) to some 2,000 citizens. Each 50,000 lire note was stamped with the message: "This is part of the loot stolen from each citizen ... Put it to good use." [Treviso, Italy, Reuter, 07-06] BITS AND PIECES
** A man is being investigated for beheading two of his
neighbor's dogs. ** The record-setting Broadway musical
Cats has grossed more than $328 million and used more
than 42,000 condoms since 1982 -- to protect body
microphones from sweat. ** Celebrating one year of its
anti-begging campaign, the kingdom of Saudi Arabia has
arrested more than 19,700 beggars. ** An 18-year-old
California woman cut off her boyfriend's penis after he
had beaten her in a drunken rage. ** Burglars stole a
human brain from a British laboratory. ** A Russian cannibal
was sentenced to death for killing and eating two people
last year. **
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a
pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours
since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate
and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly
away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground.
As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork
leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and
jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to
take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock,
splatting when he hit the floor.
The moral to the story is:
Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit.
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