| 1661. tick tick tick
Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he
loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the
shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy
German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?" 1662. BUSY A man goes to the doctors and says "Doc, you gotta help me!" The doctor says "What's your problem?" The guy says every morning i wake up with my "morning flagpole".. give the missus a quick one, then go to work. On the way to work i car pool with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work. Once i get to work i do some work and at morning tea time i go into the photocopy room and have it off with the one of the young office girls. At lunch i take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good bonking. For afternoon tea i give the boss's wife a good servicing. I then go home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night i give the missus another screw...... "Well" said the doctor. "What's your problem?" The guy says "Well, it hurts when I masturbate." 1663. Psychic convention The speaker at the psychic convention asked how many in attendance believed in ghosts. Almost everyone raised their hands. "How many of you have actually seen a ghost?" Half the crowd still had their hands up. "How many of you have actually touched a ghost?" Three of them were still holding their hands up. "Has anyone had sexual contact with a ghost?" One man was still holding his hand up. "Sir, have you really had sexual contact with a spiritual being?" "Oh, I thought you were talking about goats!" 1664. Language The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's govt conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish": In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c"..sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away. By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaiining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!! 1665. More on Loss Two men were talking. One said, "it is hard on a man to loose his wife." The other agreed, "yes it is extremely hard. I kept leaving mine in malls but she always finds her way home." 1666. The Kilt There was an American couple vacationing in the Scottish highlands. After renting a car, they drove around sightseeing. After a few hours, the wife spotted a Shepherd snoozing quietly under a tree and made her husband stop. She leapt from the car and raced towards the sleeping Scot and quietly lifted his kilt and peered underneath because she had heard that Scotsmen NEVER wore underwear. Giggling like mad, she ran back to the car and grabbed a bright red ribbon from her purse and ran back to the Shepherd and tied the ribbon around his pecker, and gave him a kiss on the cheek. A couple of hours later, the Scot woke up and like every Scotsmen needed to take a piss. As he lifted his kilt he peered at his pecker and noticed noticed the ribbon and said, "Ock laddie, I dinna know where ye been been, but ye won first first prize!!!" 1667. IF YOU'VE UPGRADED AND CAN'T STAND TO PART WITH IT
1. Use it as a decoy for burglars. 1668. "The Corporate Zodiac" Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy and what you watch on television. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out... MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales. SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree", you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture". You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life. TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth. ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"... ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane. HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, AND mail a letter! MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/ DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/ "TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers", as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager". SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers", as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager". CUSTOMER SERVICE (and TECHNICAL SUPPORT) : Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service". Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager. 1669. Buying Condoms Three years ago, after my divorce, I found myself in the position of having to buy condoms, something I hadn`t had to do for better than twenty years. The selection was overwhelming, and I asked the pharmacy clerk for some help. He extolled the virtues of latex, ribbed, lubricated, colored, glow in the dark (assuming you can`t find it any other way), Magnum size (no laughing), and more. At last, as he was running out of breath, I asked which condom he recommended. He replied, "The condom made of lamb`s intestine has a more natural feel." I said "Not to us city boys." 1670. B i z a r r e ! More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars... A Bible researcher in Springfield, Missouri, has revealed that by the year 1999, space aliens will have taken over all the world's governments, to save man from himself. According to Ruth Ling, aliens re-created life here on Earth, when their men mated with stone-age women thousands of years ago. The aliens will bring Jesus back to Earth in a spaceship, and the new Jerusalem is coming down from Heaven-- it is a space station. Ms. Ling adds that anyone who doesn't believe her should simply read the Bible... Police in Morecomb, England, report that a human foot washed up on the beach matched another foot found a month earlier at another location. The rest of the unidentified victim has not yet been found... but he couldn't have gotten far... Jorgen Standguard of Denmark was run over by a 3000 pound steamroller at a road construction site, and survived. Investigators said the engineer was saved because the pavement there was still hot and he sank right in... a simple "Jorgen was here" would suffice... In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead, and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill, and stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain... In other health news, if you suffer unexplained pain or confusion, you just may be allergic to electricity. Dr. Ray Choy, a medical researcher in London England, reports that some people are so sensitive to electricity that they may be immobilized or go into convulsions within 200 feet of a power line. Other symptoms include watering eyes and euphoria. There is no known treatment for the allergy, says Dr. Choy... we suggest a 9-inch wire... The Philadelphia Inquirer reports that two fisherman who lost their boat in a storm near the Philippines claimed that they survived for four days at sea by eating a T-shirt... Workers digging in a peat bog in Tipperary, Ireland, have unearthed a piece of cheese believed to be 1400 years old... A 37-year-old California man reported to police that an intruder dressed in black and carrying a big knife broke into his home and forced him to smoke two packs of Pall Mall Golds, and then left... There's big trouble this week in kindergarten in Brigham City, Utah. When girls in the class were chosen to play the farmer in Farmer in the Dell, they sometimes picked other girls to play their wives. Apparently, some parents became convinced that the kids were being taught about same sex marriage and pro-gay ideology. In an inspired ruling, the school board has declared that "boys must always be chosen as the farmer, and a girl must always be the cheese." A 13 year old baseball fanatic in Tai Pe, Taiwan, caused a national uproar when he traded his kid sister for a catcher's mitt. The boy gave his sister to a man he met on the way to the store. As yet, the little girl has not been found. "I never liked her anyway", said the boy, "and neither did my parents."... remember kids, when it comes to baseball, just say "no"... From our Giants of Science department: researchers have found that a protein in the blood of fish that swim in the frigid Antarctic waters prevents ice crystals from forming in ice cream. Companies reportedly plan to use the fish blood in ice cream to keep it creamy longer... I think this qualifies as flavor of the month... Authorities in Karachi, Pakistan, have smashed a ring of kidnapers who stole young children from their homes for use as jockeys in camel races. According to reports, the children, who range in age from 6 to 12 years, were strapped to the backs of racing camels. The hysterical screams of the frightened children made the beasts run faster. Twenty boys were rescued when police raided a house and arrested two suspects... promoter Don King could not be reached for comment... A Warden in the West Virginia Penitentiary has denied the request of prisoner John Wood to donate his organs to medical science. "It's not unusual for inmates to donate organs, "says warden Jerry Hedrick, "but this guy wants to give all his organs at once."... oooo, wet cleanup in cell block 3... The Japanese have beaten us to the punch on another technological breakthrough. The latest invention from the electronic isle is a computerized toilet. This so-called "smart potty" will give pulse rate, blood pressure, and temperature readings to users... just don't forget to warm up the probe... In a sad story from Boston, a giant 30 pound lobster was being weighed before its donation to the city aquarium, when it fell off the scale and died. The giant lobster's shell was irreparably cracked. "We're devastated," said a spokesman for the aquarium... so are we... now where's the cocktail sauce?... And this just in...French farmer Michael LeMond shot himself in the foot when he opened fire on what he thought was a ghost... nope, it's a foot alright... That's Bizarre!, and remember, it's all true... |