KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat.

Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule.

When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on "The Ten Commandments."

After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his had vigorously, and told him "I want to thank you preacher for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it."

Preacher: "You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your mind?"

Old Man: "No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that I remember where I left my old hat!"

QUESTION: WHAT DO YOU CALL SOMEONE WHO SPEAKS TWO LANGUAGES?
ANSWER: BI-LINGUAL

QUESTION: WHAT DO YOU CALL SOMEONE WHO SPEAKS THREE LANGUAGES?
ANSWER: TRI-LINGUAL

QUESTION: WHAT DO YOU CALL SOMEONE WHO ONLY SPEAKS ONE LANGUAGE?
ANSWER: AN AMERICAN

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light.
However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise.
Electric bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus, we can now call these bulbs by their correct name and function -- "Dark Suckers". The Dark Sucker Theory, according to a Bell Labs spokesperson, proves the existence of dark; that dark has mass heavier than that of light, and that dark is faster than light.
The basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark.
Take for example, the Dark Suckers in the room where you are. There is less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers in a parking lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in a room. As with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck.
This is proven by the black spot on a full Dark Sucker. A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black, because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle. Unfortunately, these primitive Dark Suckers have a very limited range.
There are also portable Dark Suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from this mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount of heat. Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets slowly darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake, and the lighter light floats towards the top.
The immense power of dark can be utilized to man's advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines, which generate electricity and help push it to the ocean where it may be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized this problem, and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe traveling in the same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way.
Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet. In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that Dark Suckers make all our lives much easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb, remember you and I know it is indeed a Dark Sucker.

Here are a few genuine news bloopers gleaned from American newspapers
*On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and contributing to the death of her husband.
*With the exception of victimless crimes (which need not concern us here), every single crime committed in this nation of ours involves a victim.
*Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support from parent-teacher groups to support the governor's task force on driving while intoxicated.
*He hasn't even had his day in court yet, but Simon Wynne has been kicked off the ESU basketball team after being arrested and accused of driving a parked car while intoxicated.
*Montreal police don't hesitate to use whatever laws, regulations or persuasion they feel they need to control morality in the city and prevent it from getting a foothold.
*A college friendship that began a year ago ended in matrimony yesterday.
*A Baltimore Police spokesman, in responding to an inquiry as to the delay in arresting a known car-jacking suspect, said that while the suspect was known to the victim, she didn't have his current address.

Saw a sign in a field recently that I'm still trying to figure out.
It said: "No Unauthorized Trespassing".

Got one of those financial security ads in the mail the other day. This one was unique though in its approach. It advised me that I could now borrow enuff money to get completely out of debt.

Maryland has its share of bad winter snows and as usual, the radio announcers advise people not to drive during severe conditions. During the blizzard though had to be the topper.

This guy comes on and sez: "Please don't do any unnecessary driving unless it's absolutely necessary."

In order to have a smooth-running household, all cats should consider the following "rules":
BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.
BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.
CHAIRS and RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.
DOORS:
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
FOOD:
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now rather than hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting fed:
1.When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking
2.Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table
3.Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink from
4.Should you catch something of your own, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent -- your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave
5.Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist.
These include, but are not limited to:
1.jumping onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly
2.lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen
3.the Direct Stare
4.twining around people's legs as they sit
5.eat while meowing plaintively
HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering."
Following are the rules for "hampering":
1.When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2.For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself
3.For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
4.For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper!
1.First, sit on the paper being worked on.
2.When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table.
3.When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability.
4.After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
5.When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. For some reason, humans love to jump when startled.
HUMANS:
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box.
It is important to maintain one's dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.
PAPER BAGS:
Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result in a great Tag match.
PLAYTIME:
This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important though to maintain one's dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I meant to do that!" It fools those humans every time.
1."Catch Mouse"
The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe you can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!
2."King of the Hill"
This game must be played with at least one other cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theater into account.

Playing either of these games to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the human(s) grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.
SCRATCHING:
It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren't around won't help, as they are very observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no!
SLEEPING:
In order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color. If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.
TOYS:
Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away. Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later.
Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. There are several types of cat toys. Bright shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins should be hidden so that the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors. Dangling and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains, and dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your dignity.
WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

The small group of astronauts and scientists had spent an entire week on the planet Mars. They had met and were able to communicate with the natives long suspected to inhabit the planet, and were trying to compare life and habits on Mars with our own.
After all the usual daily routines were covered, the obvious physical differences between the two groups naturally brought up the topic of procreation.
"Tell me," one earth scientist asked his Martian counterpart, "just how do you reproduce the species here on your planet?" "I shall be very pleased to demonstrate," replied the leader of the Martian group, and he called forth a voluptuous Martian beauty with three heads. They then engaged tentacles for a few moments and almost at once, a small pouch began to form on the female's back. It grew quite rapidly, and within less than a minute, it opened up and a bright Martian flower, almost in full bloom dropped out. Within another minute, the flower bloomed and from it dropped an identical copy of the Mother only much smaller. It began to scamper around almost at once.
The Earthlings expecting the same question in return tried to explain how procreation differs on Earth. The confused Martians though were more-or-less demanding a like demonstration. After a long conference with a great deal of discussion, one of the astronauts convinced one of the female scientists to co-operate and appease their hosts. Neither of the pair was too happy with the arrangement, with the large audience gathered around them, but after all, it was in the interest of not only science, but inter-planetary relations.
While the couple made love, the Martians observed them from every angle possible in total silence. Only when they were finished did their leader speak. "That certainly was the most unusual thing I've ever seen." he said. "But I still don't understand, was the entire process a failure ? Nothing happened."
"It's difficult to say." replied the Earth scientist. "We cannot tell at once. Some tests can be run in a month or so, but even if the male did in fact fertilize the female's egg, the baby will not be born for at least nine months from now."
"Nine months ???" exclaimed the Martian. "Amazing, simply amazing." Then, there followed a long pause...
Scratching one of his heads, he finally said, "But tell us this then, if the Earth offspring will not come forth for quite some time, why than were the two of them in such a awful hurry at the end of the demonstration ?"

Spouse uses your toothbrush to scrub tile grout
Candlelight dinners now illuminated by sticks of dynamite
Spouse is not moaning while making love but moaning about it
The only thigh you see on your anniversary is at KFC
E-Mailing jokes is now your sole source of sexual gratification
Morning breath no longer gives you that same thrill
Husband's suggestions to "try swinging" grow alarmingly frequent
Husband wants to adopt 17-year-old waitress from TGI Fridays
Your spouse's favorite sexual position is now next door
A romantic Saturday night at home is now Dr. Quinn on TV
Wife keeping list of things she'll do after you're dead
"Darling I'm home." followed by, "Could you be more specific ?"
Request for sex now gets you $20 and a map of downtown
Wife constantly asks, "Why can't you be like [former boy friend] ?"
Phone bill reveals late night phone calls to "900" numbers

I had a 9:00 meeting with my HP (Hewlett Packard) sales rep. I needed to buy an entire new networked series of computers -- the works. He said it would take about an hour. Three hours later, we'd barely gotten the datacomm hardware down on paper, so he invited me downstairs for lunch. This was my first experience in an HP cafeteria. Above the service counter was a menu which began ...

MMUs (Main Menu Units)
0001A Burger. Includes bun. (Must order condiments 00110A separately)
0011A Deletes seeded bun
0012A Expands burger to two patties
0002A Double cheeseburger, preconfigured. Includes cheese, bun, condiments
0021A Add-on bacon
0022A Delete second patty
0023A Replaces second patty with extra cheese
0001B Burger Upgrade to Double Cheeseburger
0011B From Single Burger
0012B From Double Burger
0011C Return credit for bun
00220A Burger Bundle. Includes 0001A, 0021A and 00310A 001000 Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A

My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root beer. The waitress looked at me like I was an alien.
"How would you like to order that, sir ?"
"Quickly, if possible. Can't I just order a sandwich and a drink ?"
"No sir. All our service is menu driven. Now what would you like ?"
I scanned the menu. "How big is the 00011A burger ?"
"The patty is rated at eight bites."
"Well, how about the rest of it?"
"I don't have the specs on that, sir, but I think it's a bit more."
"Eight bites is too small; give me the Double Burger Upgrade."
My sales rep interrupted. "No, you want the Single Burger option 0012A 'expands burger to two patties.' The double burger upgrade would give you two burgers."
"But you could get return credit on the extra bun," the waitress chimed in, trying to be helpful, "although it isn't documented."
"What if ... I ordered the bacon cheeseburger with the vegetable option and without the burger and cheese? It would be a BLT!"
"Have you decided, sir ?"
"Yeah, give me the double burger--excuse me, I mean the 0002A with the option 001. I want everything on it." She put me down for the Condiment Expansion Kit, which included mayonnaise, mustard and pickles with a option to substitute relish.
"Ketchup." I hated to ask. "I want ketchup on that, too."
"That's not a condiment, sir, it's a Tomato Product."
My sales rep butted in again: "That's not a supported configuration."
"What now ?" I kept my voice steady.
"Too juicy. The bun can't handle it."
"Look. Forget the ketchup, just put some lettuce and tomatoes on it."
The waitress backed away from the counter. "I'm sorry, sir, but that's not supported either, the bun can take it but the burger won't fit in the box. The sales rep defended himself. "Just not at first release."
"It is being beta-tested, sir."
I checked the overhead screen. Fries, number 000210A, option 110. French, followed by option 120, English. "What the hell are English Fries ?"
"Chips they call them. We sell a lot of them."
I gave up. "OK, OK just give me a plain vanilla Burger Bundle."
This confused the waitress profoundly. "Sir, Vanilla as an option is configured only for series 00450 Milkshakes."
My sales rep chuckles. "No ma'am, he just wants a standard 0022A off the shelf."
I wondered how long it had been on the shelf. I didn't ask.
"Very good, sir." The waitress breathed a sigh of relief. "Your meal is now on order. Now how would you like it supported ?"
"Supported ?"
She directed me to the green shaded area at the bottom of the menu, and I began a litany with my Sales Rep that I'll never forget. "Implementation assistance?"
"You get a waiter."
"Implementation analysis ?"
"You tell him how hungry you are and he tells you what to order."
"Response Center Support ?"
"He brings it to your table."
"Extended materials ?"
"You get refills."
I stuffed some money at the waitress and told her to take it. She gave me my check on three sheets of green-bar paper. I studied it on my way to the table, and decided it would pass as an emergency napkin.
Table? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a table. He hadn't been bright enough to check on a delivery date. The table waiter slouching in his corner surveyed the crowded room, looked at me and said, "Two hours. But I can get you a stand alone chair by the window right away."
I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me with two small cups of chili and sauerkraut for a hot dog somebody else had ordered.
The room began to grow dim, my eyesight faded...
I woke up clutching the water glass at my bedside table. It was five AM, four hours till my meeting with HP. I had a vision, I did what it told me to do. I dialed my office, and I called in sick.

Returning from her vacation, the young secretary was telling anyone who would listen about what a fun time she had. She then asked for two weeks leave in which to get married.
"But you just had two weeks off," said the boss. "Why didn't you get married then ?"
"What and ruin my vacation ?" she whined.

A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her Father asked, "Does this fellow have any money ?"
The daughter shook her head sadly.
"Oh Daddy ! You men are all alike." sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about you."

A student engineer in the office got engaged some time ago. At her wedding, I was reminding her of the first day she wore her ring. None of the other women in the office even noticed. Finally, in sheer and total exasperation, she said "Boy !!! It's so warm in here today, I think I'll take off MY ring."

Like a lot of young women these days, one of our secretaries had worked long and hard to put her boyfriend through college. After he graduated and passed his bar exam, I asked her if they planned to be married soon.
She looked at me with a big smile and said, "Oh no! Not right away. I want him to practice for at least six months first."

A lady with a large flowery hat was stopped at the church door by the usher. "Are you a friend of the bride?" he asked. "Certainly not," she snapped, "I'm the groom's mother."