KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.
"No !" his weeping wife replied.
"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.
"NO !!!" she said even more upset.
"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.
"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

I just gotta wake up faster in the morning, as well as keep my mind on where I am and what I'm supposed to be doing. I was sitting at the kitchen table the other morning, having my first cup of coffee, mulling over my upcoming tasks at work for the day. The wife came downstairs and I kissed her casually, saying "Good Morning." then, I said, "Take a letter, please babe."

The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the "other man".
The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner.
He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:
Sir,
It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.
The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent off the following reply at once:
Dear Sir,
I have received a copy of your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your Office's auditorium.

Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears. "Oh Marie," she said to her maid, "I have reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary."
"I don't believe it for one minute !" Marie snapped."You're just saying that to make me jealous !!!"

I've never been much on fashion, but got quite a few compliments on a new sports jacket I wore to work one day. My secretary asked me where I got it and I told her that it was a surprise from my wife. I went home early yesterday, and there it was, on the back of a kitchen chair.

A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson & music books.
Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much !"
The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."

A jealous husband hires a private detective to check up on his wife. The husband tells the detective, he wants both a written account and as many videos of her in any kind of compromising situations as the man can get.
Two weeks later the detective calls the man and tells him he has all the evidence he needs. They make an appointment for a meeting. The two of them are sitting there watching the videos. The man sees his wife meeting another man, then the two of them are walking in the park laughing. Another series shows her with a different man laughing and dancing. All together, he watches a dozen or so different activities, each with a different man, each time both she and the man are sharing obvious utter glee.
"Amazing," said the shocked husband, "simply amazing ! I just can't believe it."
"What can't you believe ?" asked the detective, "It's all right there for you to see, plus I have all the times and dates in my log."
"I know, I know!" said the man, still in shock, "I just can't believe my wife could be that much fun."

Not that my wife's the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had taken this temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job on a very difficult project. As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office for my return. The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, "Oh, Mrs. Moore, I'm so happy to meet you. I'm your husband's new secretary."
Within a single heart beat my wife quietly intoned, "OH ? Really ? Were you ???"

A well respected Doctor and his wife were having drinks in the lobby of the theater during the opening nite of a musical during intermission. A blonde shimmied by that had to have had what there was of her evening gown spray painted on her curvy body. She smiled and gushed, "Well, hello there Doc." and kept right on going.
After a moment's pause, the good doctor looked at his wife and said, "Don't worry dear, that's just a young lady I know professionally."
Without missing a beat, his wife asked, "Hers or Yours ?"

Personally I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and Father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

We have a young married couple in the neighborhood who are truly inseparable. Last week, it took four Howard County Policemen and a dog.

Did any of you other married guys out there ever wonder whether it's better to have loved and lost, than to have loved and won ?

On the eve of the couple's ten wedding anniversary, the still slim wife was bragging about her figure. "You know honey," she said, "I can still get into the skirts I had before we were married."
"Yeah ?" the husband replied as he turned his attention back to the ball game on TV. "I wish to hell I could."

I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot. It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there:
They have no wife to go home to...
or they do.

The American in Hong Kong was talking to his wife one evening over supper. "Get this," he chuckled, "That ridiculous janitor of ours claims he's made love to every woman in the building except one."
"Hmmmmmmmmm," said his wife, assuming a thoughtful faraway type expression, "must be that stuck-up Mrs. Stewart on the eighth floor."

But let's get real here guys, I mean who exactly are we kidding ? A husband controls his wife in much the same manner as a baraometer controls the weather.

A recent study showed that the average husband only actual speaks to his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.
Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take to say "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry" ?

The young widow was kneeling at her husband's grave tending to the weeds, when she felt the grass rustle beneath her skirt. She smiled and said "Easy sweetheart, you're dead now ya know."

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nites, and so does she.

I was out with one of my best drinking buddies, George, and he was talking about marriage, and then his wife. He drank some, then said, "Well, what it comes down to Jimmy, is... well... my wife knows nothing of my wants and needs... she's hardly ever in the mood for sex... I guess what it comes down to is that my wife just doesn't understand me at all, does yours ?"
I thought about it a minute or two, then said. "I don't think so George, as a matter of fact, I don't recall her ever even mentioning your name at all."