KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Things You Don't Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness

"I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice."
"Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving."
"Blink once for 'yes'."
"What do you mean we have the wrong patient ?"
"Why is there a tag on his toe ?"
"Do you think he can hear us ?"
"I didn't even know a human could bend that way."
"I'm sorry, we didn't use enough anesthesia. Just relax, we'll be done in a jiffy."
"Hold the patient still, we've almost pried it open."
"Did the doctor tell you he would look like that afterwards ?"
"Nurse, make sure you're getting all this down. It'll make a great 'ER' script."

For those of you who don't know, Howard County in Maryland is home to a large "planned city" called Columbia. For reasons unknown, it seemed to attract a lot of Yuppies, some of whom are rather pretentious.
Those of us in the western part of the county, who are far less uptite, just can't resist yanking these people's chains every so often.
(Actually whenever we get the chance, to be honest). Anyway, at a recent social event I ran into one crushing bore who was extolling the virtues of her little community within Columbia. "In Long Reach, we place all our emphasis on good breeding," she said, nose in the air, as if some foul odor was attacking her senses.
"Well," I replied, "We think good sex is a lotta fun out here too, but we still manage to foster other interests as well."

Did y'all hear about the young yuppette who broke up with her boyfriend while they were at the Ocean ? Seems he looked so very different in his bathing suit w/o his wallet.

How do you tell when a Yuppie is about to climax ?
They drop their cell phone.

A neurotic is simply a person who worries about things that didn't happen in the past, instead of worrying about something that won't happen in the future, like all us normal people.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit.

No sense being a damn fool about it.

I don't doubt for a minute that you can catch more flies with sugar or honey than ya can with vinegar. But... who in the hell wants a lot of flies anyway?

Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

At the First Universalist Church in Columbia Maryland, the minister was extolling the virtues of the Almighty and how man and all his worldly goods paled in comparison. One Yuppie worshipper was so moved he stood up and shouted, "Father, I am nothing. I've made my earthly fortune several times over, but it means nothing in your sight."
Another yuppie, seated next the one who had just spoken out jumped up and said, "My neighbor here is correct. Though I have thousands upon thousands of dollars invested in the market -- it's all meaningless, and I too feel unworthy and ashamed of my greed."
A shabbily dressed man in the back stood up and said, "This is truly a miracle, although I am only the custodian of this Church, I too now realize like these two rich gentlemen that I am also unworthy and undeserving".
The 2nd yuppie to speak nudged the first one and said, "Now look who thinks he's nothing."

Had a date one time with this Yuppette from Columbia Maryland who insisted that we attend the ballet. After we were seated for 5-10 minutes, she said "There, now, that's not so bad, is it ?"
I looked over at her and said, "Well no, not yet, but most of the time, I can never tell which side is winning."

On an isolated stretch of beach near Cannes, a beautiful girl threw herself into the sea and drowned, despite a young man's valiant attempts to save her. The man dragged the half-nude body of the woman ashore and left it on the sand while he went to notify the proper authorities. Upon his return, he was horrified to see a man attempting to make love to the corpse.
"Monsieur !!! Monsieur !!!" he shouted, as loudly as possible, "That woman is dead !!!"
"Sacre bleu," exclaimed the man, springing up. "I thought ze lady to be an American Yuppette."

We've all met 'em. The kind of person who manages to find a black lining in ever silver cloud. Hoping to get the best of one of them one day, I said, "You know Charlie, as bad as life is, we can all hope and look forward to our reward in Heaven someday."
"Nope" he said, "there's a lot of things I'll miss there too."
"Like what, wise guy ?" I countered.
"Well," he mused, "temptation, for one thing."

Saw this Yuppie acquaintance of mine from Columbia Maryland the other week.
Hoping to escape with just some small talk, I asked him how he was doing.
He said that he now realizes he used to be an arrogant, conceited, overblown pain in the ass. Then added. "But after just six short months of therapy Jimmy, I've changed. Now you couldn't meet a more friendly, nicer, more considerate guy than me."

The alarm went off. She came over to his bed. He groaned....
"David... David... wake up, honey. It's Tuesday again, and you have to go to choir rehearsal."
She shook him a few times. He still had cobwebs in his eyes.
He started whining: "I don't wanna go to choir rehearsal any more, Mama... everyone there hates me... the section leaders think I'm stupid... I understand nothing when they talk to me... the board members curse me and laugh at me... I don't have any friends there..." "But David, you must go to choir rehearsal," she pleaded.
"You're the director !!!"

Here's a list of phrases to use when you want to be left alone (on long flights, at parties, bus rides, at the baseball games, etc)
Yeah, I really miss my wife... but at least I have her skin to remember her by
Have you ever tried cat meat?
I just got out of prison. I'll bet the kids at the playground really miss me Check out this infected canker sore in my mouth
The last time my head rang like this I woke up with a dead man next to me My butt really itches!
My psychiatrist says flying helps offset my desire to mutilate woodland creatures
Would you hold this messy kleenex for me?
My mother just told me we can't sleep together anymore Can you believe they only gave me three years for killing my own sister?
Hey, does your urine ever turn blue?
I get a proctological exam once a week, whether I need it or not
This cramped fuselage reminds me of solitary
Oh damn, my diaper's wet again!
If I go unconscious, stick your finger down my throat - that'll wake me up
Ya know, since I moved to West Hollywood my gerbil business has really taken off
Wow, they could charge for that cavity search they gave me!
I work for the city of San Gabriel and I drive a garbage truck
I collect aluminum foil
If me and my wife get divorced, are we still legally brother and sister?