KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

The shapely woman was in the gynecological stirrups, and her doctor was in the middle of his examination when he suddenly stopped and said brusquely, "Look, madam, I'm a happily married man... so would you please stop squeezing my hand ?

"Unfortunately, you're just not right for us." the female art editor told the egotistical male model after she had checked him out as a nude centerfold prospect.
"What's my best bet elsewhere ?" asked the disappointed model, as he reached for his clothes. "I'm sure a display of my masculinity would be a sensation in any publication."
"I suggest," replied the woman, "you try Reader's Digest."

In the murkiness of a skid-row alley, a street-walker mistook a Salvation Army man for a soldier and propositioned him.
"You may be forgiven as a victim of circumstances." intoned the savior of souls. "Tell me, are you familiar with the original sin ?"
"Maybe and maybe not." she shot back. "But if it's really original, it's gonna cost ya an extra fifty."

Back in frontier days, not a lot was known about birth control. This one doctor though had what he considered a fairly foolproof method. He would tell the women to put their feet in a ten gallon crock and leave them there while they slept.
To his surprise though, one woman with 10 children became pregnant. He asked her if she hadn't followed his instructions.
"Well, sort of." she replied. "We didn't have no 10 gallon crock, so I used 2 five gallon ones.

The busy Columbia veterinarian impatiently assured the Yuppette that her schnauzer dog had nothing wrong with its hearing. "There's just too much hair around the dog's ears." he said. "Get some hair remover and he'll be fine."
The Yuppette went to the local pharmacy and purchased a bottle of the best depilatory and the pharmacist proceeded to instruct her on its use. "Use it full strength for your legs and maybe half strength for your underarms." he told her.
"Thanks," she replied, "But it's not for that, I really want this to use on my schnauzer."
"Oh ! I see," replied the pharmacist, "Uh, in that case I would use no more than a 10 % solution, and I wouldn't advise any bike riding at least for a day or two."

You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they are equal
You plot to get even with the kid who broke your child's toy and made him cry
You can remove chewing gum from just about anything
You hide in the bathroom to be alone
Someone else's kid throws up at a party, and you can keep eating
You believe finger paints should be a controlled substance
You read "Once Upon A Potty" out loud in a crowded waiting room
You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats
You tell your child that TOYS R US is a toy museum, not a store
You find yourself cutting all sandwiches into unusual shapes
You fast-forward the VCR through the scene where Bambi's mother gets killed
You become a member of three aquariums because your kid loves sharks
You obsess when your child clings to you during the first week of school
You obsess again as they skip away without looking back the second week
You can't bear to give away baby clothes
You hear your mom's voice coming out of your mouth: "Not in your good clothes"
You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you
You donate to charity in the hope that your child won't get that disease
You read a 5-year-old asks 437 questions a day. You feel your kid is above average
You hire a sitter; go out with hubbie; then spend half the night phoning home

Could you imagine being an employer and getting one of their resumes?
What a riot! I know I'd interview the person. I have a mental picture of the interview...
Me: "Good morning Mizz X, may I get you a cup of coffee ?"
X: "No thanks. I don't drink, or make coffee."
Me: "You do understand that you've applied for a job as a waitress, don't you? Making coffee is...
X: "Making coffee has been considered women's work for too long, therefore, I will not make it."
Me: "Hmmm, I see. From your job application that you've just graduated from the University of Maryland. What is your degree in ?"
X: "Women's studies."
Me: "I see. What was your biggest accomplishment at school ?"
X: "I organized a group of women and we got a list of about 100 men, made a poster titled 'Potential Rapists,' and posted it all around campus.I'm very proud of that. By the way, have you noticed that there are anawful lot of potential rapists at this restaurant right now?"
Me: "Errr, no, I didn't notice. How can you tell them from the other patrons?"
X: "They're the ones that make the waitress serve them."
Me: "Uh, that IS what a waitress is hired to do."
X: "Not any more !"
Me: "I see. Mizz X, just how did you come up with your list of potential rapists ?"
X: "Oh, we just picked random names of men at the university."
Me: "Hmmm, I see. Have you got any questions for me ?"
X: "Yes, just how much does this job pay ?"
Me: "$6.50 an hours, plus any tips."
X: "$6.50?! Excuse me ?!?! My calculations place this job's comparative worth at $16.50 an hour."
Me: "I see."
X: "When do I start? I got a lot of things around here I going to change. I'm going to start with...."
Me: "Next !!!"

It was painfully evident to the indignant Mother that all was not well with her attractive daughter. To her pointed questions, the girl tearfully admitted that motherhood was approaching, and that a close friend of the family was responsible.
With fire in her eyes, the Mother drove over to the friend's house and confronted him. The man readily admitted his guilt.
"But I have a very good reason." the soon-to-be dad said. " I doubt I'll ever get married, and wanted an heir to leave my fortune to. If your daughter presents me with a daughter, I'll give her $ 500,000. If she bears me a son, I'll make it a million."
"Now see here !!!" said the Mother, "That's totally unacceptable. If it's a miscarriage, will you at least give her another chance ?"

The Dublin Mother was discussing her daughter's beau with her, "I really don't understand what you see in him, my dear. As far as I can fathom, he's just an everyday sort of a man."
"And I ask ya this..." responded the lass, "What more could a girl wish for ?"

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,

Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my Grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies. But then, I guess you two do save a lot of money shopping for their clothes at the Salvation Army surplus stores and all.

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral, so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would never let you come. Why, I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?

Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I broke my cane beating off a gang of muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and actually kind-of grateful since the frost on my bed numbs my constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year; as well as all those designer clothes your gold-digger demands you buy her. Give my love to my darling Grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the black roots who stole you from screaming and kicking from a loving home, and dragged you up to that God forsaken wilderness she calls a state.

Merry Christmas.

Love,
Mom