KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Why do brunettes like their dark hair color?
It doesn't show the dirt.

Who makes all the bras for brunettes ?
Fisher-Price

Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes ?
The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable

Why are most brunettes flat-chested ?
It makes it easier for them to read their T-shirts

Why are brunettes so proud of their hair ?
It matches their mustache

Why is the color brunette considered evil ?
When's the last time ya saw a blonde witch ?

How can you tell a brunette is lonely ?
Check her for a pulse

What is the most frustrated animal in the world ?
A brunette rabbit

Why do brunettes wear training bras ?
It's cheaper than changing their bandaids every day

Why did they quit selling brunette Barbie dolls ?
Parents felt the dandruff might be contagious

How do brunettes get the tangles out their hair ?
With a rake

What kind of costumes do brunette girls wear on Halloween ?
They just stand on their heads and go as dirty mops

Why don't brunettes get breast implants ?
They've already spent their money on thigh & butt implants

What did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover ?
" What part of 'yes' don't you understand ?"

What do brunettes miss most about a great party ?
The invitation

Where do brunettes get the hair for a transplant ?
From their underarms

Why do brunettes have to pay an extra $2,000 for a breast job ?
Because the plastic surgeon has to start from scratch

How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night ?
Startled

What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette ?
A hostage

How did Revlon come up with it's brunette hair color ?
By studying what oil spills did to seaweed

What's the difference between a brunette and the trash ?
At least the trash gets taken out once a week

If you meet a woman, and you like her, then she...
- Has a jealous boyfriend 6'4" 280 pounds
- Is a confirmed lesbian
- Only wants to be friends
- Doesn't notice you're even alive
About who tries to pick you up; if you're:
- Heterosexual, then homosexuals will try
- Homosexual, then heterosexuals will try
- Bi-sexual, then, no one will try
- With someone special, everyone will try
About finding love; if you:
- Hope you found it, you'll be disappointed
- Think you found it, you're wrong
- Believe you found it, you're misinformed
- Have found it, you won't know until too late
About winning/losing; if you:
- Don't have anything to lose, you won't win
- Have something to lose, you'll lose it
- Do win, it's only so you can lose more later
If she appears to be having a good time, it's because:
- She's fantasizing, and not of you, either
- She's been eyeing-up someone else
- She's trying to make someone jealous
About dating, if she:
- Arrives her boyfriend she never told ya about, and he has a few "questions" for ya
- Arrives with her girlfriend, it's because she wants some protection, not for anything kinky
- Comes alone, because she looks at you as a friend; not a chance you'll ever be more

I have to differ with that old adage that "Men do not make passes at girls who wear glasses."
Really! I think it depends on their frames.

At a fund raising event in Columbia Maryland, a Yuppie was holding court at the bar listing all the virtues he was seeking in a girl.
He said: "Bottom line gentlemen... I'm looking for a virgin of good breeding who doesn't drink, smoke, use profanity or have bad habits."
I smirked and said, "Whatever for ?"

[Girl at CD player to boyfriend sitting on the couch.]
"Now don't go getting the wrong idea. This isn't music to do anything by."

At a wedding reception, this fellow was eyeing an attractive young lady. He looked her over from head to toe a number of times, before approaching to ask her to dance.
"Well ???" she asked. "Did I pass my physical ???"

My wife and I were sitting at an ocean front coffee house and I was reading the paper as a steady parade of bikini clad girls went by.
She looked over at me and said, "Those aren't your reading glasses."

"I just can't understand it doctor," the girl complained, "every time I see a handsome muscular man on the beach, I get this funny feeling between my toes."
"Now that is odd." agreed the doctor. "Which ones ?"
"The big ones." she sighed.

The sweet young thang was being pressured by her date for sex in the local lover's lane. She said, "First of all, I'm not that kind of girl. Also, Momma sez I shouldn't. And, the grass is all wet. Plus, there's too many people around. Then too, it's late and I should be getting home. Besides, all you did was buy dinner anyway."

Friends of ours invited the wife and I out to dinner. Although it turned out to be a topless restaurant, Mrs. JimJr was a pretty good sport and pretended to enjoy the evening.
On the way home though, even the defrosters at full force wouldn't keep the windshield from icing over on her side of the car.
"Awwwww come on." I said. "It wasn't that bad."
"Your ordering didn't help matters." she said fuming.
"What ?" I replied. "I only ordered a dozen oysters."
"ONE AT A TIME ?!?!?!" she yelled.

Well it's been over 20 years since "Consumer's Report" reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1982). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced, and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So I thought an updated report was needed. As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a girlfriend for before obtaining one. This will, in large part, dictate the final product which to be considered. Do you want an intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a girlfriend.

The question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much you are able to spend. This is largely determined by your physical and personal characteristics -- if you are good looking, have a commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your selection. Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, this practice is not recommended, due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually increase with time.

Used vs New
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new or a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, be determined by your age.

New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will rarely be old enough to open their own checking account. Used girlfriends, on the other hand, may be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems worked out, but I advise that you avoid models which have much more than average useage . Much greater than the average may be an indication that the girlfriend was a professional.

Accessories: Often the potential girlfriends you see in the malls or in a bar will be loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such items as large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other accessories will only appeal to fringe markets, such as models which come pre-equipped with children, or the ability run 10 miles while chanting sanskrit. In such cases you should make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a large bosom) must be factory installed.

The Test Ride:
When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The test ride ritual begins with the so-called "pickup line", which can range from the simple if dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the aggressively hip ("dance with me we'll make our own music") the arcane ("You're my Camus comrade, and I want to leap you, Faith!").
Not Acceptable: "Smile, you'll look better."

Once on the test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and acceleration. The two questions you want to answer are:
1.how fast 2.how far

Examine the detailing
Does the bosom sag ?
Does the heater warm adequately, or
does she remain cool ?

Ordering vs On-The-Lot:
Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessories wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an option. Delivery time, however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live in), and I question the usefulness of such a practice: if you have access to the baby factory, you should reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.

Methodology:
Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers, selected to typify the average seeking population. All tests were performed at a specially constructed test facility, which included a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding the facility. A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product according to the following criterion:

intelligence
wit
humor
empathy
initiative
appearance
performance

Results:
Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity. Within each category, variation is not statistically significant.

Goddess:This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped with all the options you want and none of the ones you don't. She can argue subtle points of philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what you mean even if you don't say it, and break any bed. No mental or physical hangups. The drawback is that this model is not actually currently available.

Goddess (Used):This model is similar to the goddess, but comes with contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful mother, an alcoholic father, and a bratty kid. This model tends to generate gray hairs as it probably was not broken in correctly.

Ms. Right:The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations. Has most of the characteristics of the Goddess except possibly in the wrong size or hair color. Other than that, an excellent long-term investment. Availability is extremely limited but can occasionally be located with a lotta luck.

The Babe:This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the options. Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, and suitable for a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for your normal long-term girlfriend needs.

The Friend:The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but you wouldn't be caught dead in it. Availability is poor to fair, depending on quality.

The Escort:Widely available, but useful as a girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are available. Tends to be spiteful but reliable. However, usually has a dull finish.

In her own eyes, Peggy was the most popular girl around. "A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry."
"Really ?" said her date, "And just how many men are you intending to marry ?"

Talk about mixed signals. Did ya ever date a legal secretary ?
I did. One time she told me, "Stop and/or I'll slap your face !"

Dateless and alone, Al was delighted when a lovely young girl sat down at his table in a restaurant while he was in Rio.
"Do you speak English ?" he asked.
"Si, bot jsu'a leetle beet."
"Just a little bit, huh ? How much ?"
"Fifty-five dollar." was the prompt reply.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So, I got two more girlfriends. . .

Contrary to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a long-term stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy. Of course this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With human guys, it's extremely difficult. This is because guys don't really grasp what women mean by the term relationship.

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months ?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going ? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy ? Are we heading toward marriage ? Toward children ? Toward a lifetime together ? Am I ready for that level of commitment ? Do I really even know this person ?

And Roger is thinking:so that means it was... let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a damn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a damn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What ?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so..." She breaks down, sobbing.

"What ?" asks Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse ?" asks Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you ?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that... It's that I... I need some time," Elaine says.

There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work. "Yes," he says.

Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way ?" she says.

"What way ?" asks Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks. "Thank you, Roger," she says.

Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say, "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse ?"

We're not talking about different wavelengths here. We're talking about different planets, in completely different solar systems. Elaine cannot communicate meaningfully with Roger about their relationship any more than she can meaningfully play chess with a duck. Because the sum total of Roger's thinking on this particular topic is as follows: Huh?

But the point I'm trying to make is that, if you're a woman, and you want to have a successful relationship with a guy, the Number one tip to remember is: Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. The guy will not realize this on his own. You have to plant the idea in his brain by constantly making subtle references to it in your everyday conversation, such as:

Roger, would you mind passing me a Sweet 'n' Low, in-as-much as we have a relationship?
Wake up, Roger! There's a prowler in the den and we have a relationship! You and I do, I mean.
Good News, Roger! The gynecologist says we're going to have our fourth child, which will serve as yet another indication that we have a relationship!
Roger, inasmuch as this plane is crashing and we probably have only about a minute to live, I want you to know that we've had a wonderful 53 years of marriage together, which clearly constitutes a relationship.

Never let up, women. Pound away relentlessly at this concept, and eventually it will start to penetrate the guy's brain. Some day he might even start thinking about it on his own. He'll be talking with some other guys about women, and, out of the blue, he'll say, "Elaine and I, we have, ummm... We have, ahhh... We... We have this thing." And he will sincerely mean it.

There are lots of ways to ruin a date.
Here are a few things not to say on a date...
"Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?"
"I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I had this coupon."
"No wine for me. My urologist says not to mix alcohol and penicillin."
"I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you."
"People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell."
"I used to come here all the time with my ex."
"I never said you need a nose job. I said you should consider it."
"My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear me on the answering machine every hour."
"I like wet clay. It's mushy."
"I've really grown, used to be, I wouldn't give someone like you a second look."
"And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest."
"You said you don't eat anything with a face; a butcher can cut that off."
"I've come to accept that most women I date just won't be as smart as I am."
"And when I mooned them... you know ? Jehovah's Witnesses can run fast."

1739. Two Brothers

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, about 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it usually turned out they had a hand in it.
Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them. Hearing about a Priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the Mother suggested to the Father that they ask the Priest to talk with the boys.
The Father replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them both !"
The Mother went to the Priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the Mother went back home and immediately sent her youngest to the Priest.
The Priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind.
For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the Priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the Priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God ?"
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing.
A third time, in a loud, firm voice, which reminded the little boy of thunder, the Priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God ?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief.
He sat there a while breathing hard and fast, then finally said, "We are in BIIIIGGG trouble."
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, 'big' trouble ?"
His brother replied, "I just found out God is missing and they think we did it!"

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are some simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.
Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After about 7 months, practice rising from a sitting position with your husband on your lap. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Check out your figure in a full length mirror.
Men: Go to the supermarket, drug store, children's clothing store and toy store. Arrange to have your salary paid equally and directly to their headquarters. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it in peace for the last time.
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appealingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up.
Make breakfast. Keep this up for 3 years. Look cheerful.
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, first smear Peanut Butter on the sofa and jelly on the curtains. Hide a fish sandwich behind the CD and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and four pairs of knee-high socks. Attempt to put all the socks on the octopus. Time allowed for this - all morning.
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper roller. Using only tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas ornament. Last, take a milk container, 3 boxes of tooth picks, and an box of Rice Krispies and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for rainy day arts and crafts.
Forget the BMW and buy a Mini Van. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Take a family-size bag of popcorn and/or peanuts. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.
Get ready to go out. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a preschool child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.
Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy cereal and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half the cereal is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the carpet. You are now ready to feed a 5-month old baby.
Learn the names, appearance and endorsed toys of every cartoon character on Saturday Morning TV. When you find yourself singing the theme song from at least 5 of these shows at work, you may finally qualify as a prospective parent.