KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

I found the neatest way of confusing the hell out of my daughter when she was a teenager, and thought I'd pass it along to y'all. If you don't care for her current beau at all, pretend ya love the guy to death, praise him a lot and invite him over often. This alone was usually enuff to have her drop him like a hot potato.

The next time your teenager asks if you don't have any faith in them, just tell 'em: "Of course ! Look at the national debt and social security funds we're leaving y'all to pay as well as the mixed-up world we're leaving behind for y'all to straighten out."

These days teenagers, both boys and girls have it easy as to deciding what they can get each other for gifts -- earrings.

I keep seeing in the paper that economists think we have a hard time visualizing a million. Hell, any parent of teenagers will tell 'em that's the number of times you have to tell your kids to get off the phone in any given week.

Any of you out there remember when "Is it a boy or a girl" only referred to babies ?

Imagine how tuff teenagers have it when they get married. I mean like what wine goes with Twinkies and Potato Chips ?

In this area, teenagers like to feel they're all unique individuals and different. Sooooo, they all dress alike to prove it.

The Mother came home early from shopping and entered the darkened living room to find her daughter making love with her boyfriend on the couch. She gasped, then exclaimed, "Well -- I Never !!!"
There was a slight pause, then, out of the dark came her teenage daughter's voice, "But Mother... you must have."

When my kids were teens, it never bothered me how much they knew. I always worried more about how they found out.

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog siting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears "Ribbit. 9 Iron"
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
"Ribbit. 9 Iron" He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow. That is amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh ?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog"
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog ?" the man asks.
"Ribbit. 3 Wood"
The guy takes out a 3 Wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and does not know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK, where to next ?"
"Ribbit. Las Vegas" the frog replies.
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog replies "Ribbit. Roulette"
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks "What do you think I should bet ?"
The frog replies "Ribbit. $3000, black 6"
Now this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures, what the heck!
Boom! Tons of chips come sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss me"
He figures... Why Not ? Since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your Honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

My wife and I were in bed, when she suddenly said, "Don't you think it's time Joel (our daughter's boyfriend) went home ?"
I told her, "Awwww come on honey, don't ya remember what it was like when we were dating ? Give the kid a break."
There was total silence for like 5 seconds, then she leaped out of bed and shouted, "I'm throwing that little S.o.B. out of the house NOW !

A Father came home and found his eight year old boy sitting on the front porch smoking a cigar. He marched up to the lad, removed the cigar from the boy's mouth and said, "I suppose you're going to tell me that you're sitting there smoking because you just became a Father."
"Hell no Dad." said the boy, "Cindy ain't even reached puberty yet."

The two teenagers were arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana when they were found naked, each smoking a joint, sitting on the edge of the fountain in the town square.
The arresting officer told them were entitled to a phone call, since he was unable to reach either parent.
Some time later a man entered the station and the Sergeant said, "I suppose you're the kids' lawyer."
"Nope." the chap replied. "I'm just here to deliver them a pizza."

A missionary, who was journeying up the Amazon, decided to teach his young guide some English to make the time pass quicker. He would point to various objects on the shore and give their English names.
Everything was going fine until they saw a young couple making love on the shore. The minister was embarrassed, and simply said, "Boy riding bicycle." His guide took his bow, let fly with several arrows, and shouted "Boy riding my bicycle."

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and spotted a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine, and a young lady in the back seat was knitting. He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up,cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer ?"
"What are you doing ?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like ?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And just what is she doing ?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like ? She's knitting."
"And how old are you ?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen." he replied.
"And how old is she ?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

Two young boys were discussing their parents, when one realized he really knew very little in the way of actual facts about his mother. Arriving home that evening, he began tog give her a third degree examination.
"How old are you ?" he asked.
"Junior, that's not a very polite question. A Gentleman never asks a lady her age," replied his mother.
"Okay, then how much do you weigh ?"
"Son, that's yet another impolite question. A lot of women are very sensitive about their weight too. You'd do well to remember that, young man."
The boy thinks a minute, then delivers his final bombshell. "Well then, can you tell me why you and daddy got divorced ?"
Shocked and appalled that he had gone too far, Mom sends Junior to bed without any supper.
The next day, the kid reports his failure to his schoolmate.
"I know !" says his buddy, "Just look at her driver's license in her purse.
It'll tell you everything you want to know."
Later that day, Mom finds her son next to her disemboweled purse, holding her driver's license. "Just what the hell do you think you are doing ?" she yells.
"Well, you wouldn't tell me what I wanted to know," says the junior detective, "but my friend said it's all right here. See, you're 37 years old... you weigh 135 pounds... and daddy divorced you 'cause you got a 'F' in Sex."

Once I came upon this pretty new temp standing in front of the paper shredder with a confused look on her face. I asked if she needed any help.
She said, "Yeah, how does this thing work ?"
I took the papers from her hand and demonstrated how to work the shredder. She stood there a moment with yet another confused expression, so I said, "Any questions ?"
She said, "Yeah, exactly where do the copies come out from ?"

Whenever possible, please keep us late. We have no homes to go to and are only too thankful to spend the evening here.

Send us out to cash your checks and buy stamps in all weather. Walking is exhilarating and as we sit down all day, the exercise does us good.

Do walk out of the office without telling us where you are going or how long you might be. We enjoy telling people who wish to contact you urgently that we have no idea where you are or when you will return.

When dictating, please parade up and down the room and practice your golf strokes, or better still, walk out of the room. We can understand what is said more distinctly.

Please lower your voice to a whisper when dictating names of people and places. Under no circumstances spell them to us. We are sure to hit the right way sooner or later.

Should a letter require a slight alteration after it is typed, score the word heavily through about four times and write the correct word beside it, preferably in ink or felt-tip pen. Always make the alteration on the top copy.

Please dictate a paragraph and change your mind, with the corrected version following, particularly when using dictating equipment. It adds variety to our typing.

Hours for dictation: during the lunch hour, or any time after 4:30 p.m.

Should you wish to write out a letter or report, please write with a blunt pencil using the left hand, and use plenty of arrows, balloons and other diagrams.

Remember when asking us to place a long distance call, you must be very fast on your feet to get out of the office before the call comes through.

If possible, always pick up your calls on your secretary's phone. This ensures that we cannot pick up any other incoming calls, or do anything else with you leaning over or sitting on our desk.

When you have given us a rush project, be sure to use your intercom line frequently, or call us at regular intervals of 60 seconds to ask us to get minor items and to go for coffee.

If you are being paged, please ignore it. We usually have no particular reason for wanting to locate you and enjoy hunting you down or taking messages.

Please do interrupt us while we are speaking on the telephone. We have two ears, so we might as well use both of them at the same time.

Always be sure that if someone else walks up while we're talking and interrupts that you allow them to. They obvioulsy have something more important to say; besides that gives us time to think, permitting us to remind you where you left off.