KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

{This goes out to John Collier for some of the people he knows on the net.}

I used to watch TV, I used to cook Mex,
I think I remember...yeah, I used to have SEX!
I used to walk upright, now roll on my chair,
Tho' it causes the neighborhood children to stare.

I wanted to travel around on the Net,
Been too busy chatting to get on there yet.
I wanted to spreadsheet, word process, or paint,
But gettin' on with them is just what I ain't!

So much to learn and I wanted to but
I'm too busy chatting and splitting a gut,
Talkin' and listenin'...is it such a sin?
Oh, gawd, what a fix I have got myself in!

Then up pops a name on my neat Buddy List,
Think I'll go out and give HIS tail a twist!
And in comes an IM from some weirdo guy
I cuss 'im, insult 'im, and tell him "bye bye".

Is there a 12 step, support group, or such?
For those of us folks who chat on too much?
If there was a group, I would like it just fine,
Except that it prob'ly would be here online!

Are there therapists here? I think that I saw some
Its got me, its got me, its power is AWESOME.
It's my new computer, I've had it one week,
Now I look in the mirror and I see a "geek".

Or maybe a geekess, but I see the signs,
Please help me, please help me, please get me offline!
Or better, please Email a burger and fries,
'Cause I'm staying ONLINE, at least 'til I die!!!

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. Their loving son suggested they start writing things down to ensure they didn't forget. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful and was very pleased with the advice.

When they got home, the wife said, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"

"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"

"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."

"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"

"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.

"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem... a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."

With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream.

He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later. Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "See, I knew you'd forget.

Where's the toast?"

Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.

Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behing the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing.

"Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something."

Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?"

The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid."

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.

2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The Female can change her mind at any time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.

14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.

15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.

17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.

18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.

At a recent "panel discussion" in one of our great universities several speakers aired their views on "creative education", solemnly or otherwise. One pupil got up to remark:"I have discovered that if you have pupils of greater ability, you will get better results"; and the wall of the university (it is averred) rocked with this momentous announcement. Someone suggested that the speaker would have been much better advised had he said something like this: "If the correlation of intrinsic competency to actual numerical representation is definitely high,then the thoroughly objective conclusion may inexpugnably be reached that the scholastic derivations and outgrowths will attain a pattern of unified superiority."

No one would have known what he was talking about, and he would there after have been regarded with awe as a pedagogical pundit.

Sung to the tune of My Favorite Things

Frozen Performas and strange system errors,
Novices, dummies, and first-time despairers,
Crises like those make my telephone ring,
That's why consulting my favorite thing!

SCSI devices with no termination
Any of Microsoft's documentation
Anytime anyone calls me and sobs,
These are a few of my favorite jobs!

F-line instructions and frowning Mac faces,
Badly crashed hard drives, cracked PowerBook cases,
Macs that choose critical moments to freeze,
Nothing excites me like crises like these!

When it works right When it prints out
I lose heart. But then,
Apple releases a new system patch,
And I am employed again!

Q - I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want? A - Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories--those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry--the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half a day's drive away.

Q - What does HMO stand for?
A - This is actually a variation of the phrase "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice-mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Q - Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A - No. Only those you need.

Q - What are pre-existing conditions?
A - This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unforutnately we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Q - Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A - Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q - What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A - You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q - My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A - Poke yourself in the eye.

Q - What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A - Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q - No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A - You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait till you return and then get sick.

Q - I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists s/he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?
A - Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 copayment, there's no harm in giving him/her a shot at it, eh?

Q - My insurer reimburses the doctor for my outpatient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?
A - Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him/her to invest the money for you in one of those great offers doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

Q - What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A - Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q - Will health care be any different in the next century?
A - No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine." Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS." Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows." They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend." Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting-the bull's equivalent of an Ape's beating his chest or Man's bone-chilling, war-like cry of "Stay away from my Woman, Vato!! First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Hell, Mister, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"

This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long. The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end.

In use, it is quickly inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.

W H A T A M I ? ?

As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other than your very own

...............................TOOTHBRUSH..........................

1) My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.
2) Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?
3) Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?
4) Can you believe it those shitheads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!
5) We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now, my wife can be rather vindictive at times.
6) Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.
7) Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.
8) Nice place you got here, that painting looks expensive, I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?
9) There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.
10) Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost...