KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

Everybody who has a dog calls him 'Rover" or "Boy", so to be different I named mine "SEX".  Now I went to City Hall to renew his dog  license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex.  He said, "I'd LIKE to have one too".Then I said "But this is a dog".  He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "you don't understand.   I've had Sex since I was 9 years old".   He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me.I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.  He said every room in the house was for sex.  I said, "You don't understand.   Sex keeps me awake at night".  The clerk said "Me Too".

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away.  Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around, and I told him I had planned to have sex in the contest.  He told me I should have sold tickets of my own.  I said, "But you don't understand";I had hoped to have had Sex on TV."   He called me a weirdo.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.  I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The Judge said, "Me Too".  Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me.  He said "Me Too".

Last night, Sex ran off again, I spent hours looking around for him.
A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning? My case comes up on Friday.

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving. -David Letterman

It is far, far better to have a firm anchor in nonsense than to put out on the troubled sea of thought. - John Kenneth Galbraith

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. - Bertrand Russell

Blamestorming - sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible

Body Nazis - hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively Cha

insaw consultant - an outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands

Cube farm - an office filled with cubicles

Ego surfing - scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on, looking for references to one's own name

Elvis year - the peak year of something's popularity -- Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993.

404 - someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located -- Don't bother asking him, he's 404.

Idea hamsters - people who always seem to have their idea generators running

Mouse potato - the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato

Ohnosecond - that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you've just made a big mistake

Prairie dogging - something loud happens in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on

SITCOM - stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage

Stress puppy - a person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny Tourists - those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs -- "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."

Uninstalled - euphemism for being fired

Xerox subsidy - euphemism for swiping free photocopies from a workplace

20. Camp Lactose Intolerance

19 Camp Awannagopeepee

18 Camp Colonic

17 Ranger Packwood's Kamp Touchee-Feelee

16 Camp LardAss

15 Father Stephen's Naturalist Altar Boy Camp

14 Camp OS/2

13 Camp Turnyerhedncoff

12 Marvin's Learn-to-Set-the-VCR-Clock Camp

11 Camp Time/Life Books

10 Camp Squeal-Like-a-Pig

9 Lil' Toiler Textile Mill & Summer Camp

8 Camp Ritalin

7 Camp Wutchoolookinat, NYC

6 The M. Jackson Camp for Cute Young Unchaperoned Boys

5 Lyle and Eric's Wilderness Ranch for Mom & Dad

4 Joe Piscopo's Comedy Workout Camp

3 Camp La Cage

2 Hyalooza Computer Camp

and the Number 1 Least Popular Summer Camp...

1 Bring-Your-Mommy Sissy-Boy Camp

A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbour was also a chicken farmer. The neighbour came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens."

The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbour stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died." The neighbour said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more."

Another two weeks went by, and the neighbour stops in again. The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too." Astounded, the neighbour asked, "what went wrong? What did you do to them?"

Well, says the new farmer, "I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or not far apart enough."

A guy goes into a bar and orders a double. The bartender says, "Man, you look terrible. What's the problem?" The guy says, "I just caught my girl friend in bed with my best friend."

Bartender: "That's awful. What did you do?"

Guy: "I threw her naked ass out onto the front lawn, threw her clothes out after her and told her that we were finished and I never wanted to see her again."

Bartender: "Good for you - that was pretty tough. What did you do to your best friend?"

Guy: "I shook my finger at him and said, 'BAD DOG!'"

1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU!

Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans bedtime.

2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.

7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

Since going beyond the speed limit is the national sport in many countries, there is universal disdain for those uniformed creatures who stop you while you are driving. Here are a few things better left unsaid.

- Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job!

- Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

- I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.

- Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

- Hi Officer, Do you mind holding my beer while I find my driver's license?

- You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

- "Bad Cop! No Donut!"

- I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.

- You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?

- "Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow"

- Didn't I see you get your but kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?

- Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture on my next to my girlfriend's bed.

- I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket

- So, uh, you "on the take", or what?

- Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!

- Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

- So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?

- Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

- When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the video camcorder.

- Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?'

Dear Employees,

It has been brought to the attention of the management of this company that many employees have been dying while on duty for no good reason. Furthermore, it also appears that some employees are refusing to fall over after they have died. This, in some cases, has resulted in unearned overtime payments which are not provided for under our employee benefit program.

Effective immediately, this practice must be discontinued!

On and after today, any employee found sitting up after he/she has died will be dropped from the payroll at once, without further investigation. This action is covered by Company Regulation #20 (non-productive labor).

When it can be proven that the employee is being held up by a desk, typewriter, drawing board, telephone, or any other means of support which is the property of the company, a one (1) day period of grace will be granted.

In the event of apparent death, the following procedures will be strictly adhered to:

1. If, after several hours, it is noted that any employee has not moved or opened at least one eye, the department head will investigate. Because of the highly sensitive nature and/or origin of some employees and because of the close resemblance between death and their normal working attitude, the investigation will be made quietly so as to avoid waking the employee if he/she is asleep (which is, of course, permitted under present union contracts).

2. If some doubt still exists as to the true condition of the employee, a pay check will be used as the final test. If the employee fails to reach for the check, it is reasonable to assume that death has occurred. Note that in some cases the instinct is so strongly developed that a spastic clutching may occur even after death; do not be misled by this manifestation.

3. In the event that an employee fails to abandon whatever he/she is doing at Coffee Break time, no investigation is necessary as this is conclusive proof that rigor mortis has already set in.

Best Regards,
-The Management

* Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

* Actually, should the truth be known, there are a lot of good ways to "handle" a woman. Unfortunately, not a man alive knows any of them.

* You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nites, and so does she.

* This yuppie couple in Coumbia Maryland started their own computer business and for a while did really well. Then business started dropping off. During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh Yeah ??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur AND the gardener."

* Personally I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and Father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

* We have a young couple in the neighborhood who are truly inseparable. Last week, it took four Howard County Policemen and a dog.

* According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.

* Did any of you other married guys out there ever wonder whether it's better to have loved and lost, than to have loved and won?