| 1771. The Top 15 Least Popular Philosophical Questions (Part II)
15 If a tree fell and crushed Pauly Shore in the forest, would anyone care (except Misty Rivera, of course)? 14 Why aren't the Toronto Maple Leafs called the Maple Leaves? 13 If the earth stopped spinning, would the value of my car still depreciate? 12 If there are elves in the gravy, why must the pigeon herniate at midnight? 11 Which came first -- the chicken or the various things that taste like chicken? 10 Would a massive police search for a male serial killer dressed as a woman be called a "Dragnet"? 9 Why *are* there so many songs about rainbows? 8 For what doth it profit a man if he gains his freedom yet loseth his Heisman? 7 If the shortest distance between two points is a line, why does waiting in a line take so long? 6 How many licks does it take to get to the center of the universe? 5 If I am, do I drink? 4 What would you rather have, no short-term memory or I forget the question? 3 What is the sound of a one-handed man with the clap? 2 If you take an infinite number of monkeys, put them in a room with an infinite number of typewriters, and supply them with an infinite amount of crack, would they really be able to write a really kick-ass Top 5 list? And, if so, who's gonna pay for all that -- those deep pockets at Windows Sources?!? and the Number 1 Least Popular Philosophical Question... 1 How much wood would a woodchuck sport, if a woodchuck had a woody? 1772. On The Ropes Three pieces of rope walk into a bar. The bartender tells them, "We don't serve ropes in here. You'll have to leave." Dejected, the three pieces of rope leave the bar. They're talking outside when one of them says, "Hey I know how we can get served at that bar." "Just do what I do," he said. "First, tie yourself into a knot. Then, pull all of the strands in your head until they are all messed up. Now, follow me into the bar and do what I do." So, they all go into the bar and ask for a drink.
The bartender pours them a drink and they sit down. Then, the
bartender goes over to one of the pieces and asks, "Aren't you that
piece of rope that came in here a little while ago?" The piece of
rope then replies, "Nope frayed knot!"
July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it
is the best online service I can get. They even included a free
disk! I'd better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me anther
one! I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.
July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs
a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does
he think I am?
July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes.
It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.
July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year
old next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get
online.
July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America
Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But
he says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so
smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter
then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about
communications software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put
two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need
one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose
to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone
sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it
out by the sound.
July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online.
Not this internet thing. I'm confused.
July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this
America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that
he is compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.
July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my
computer but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.
July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because
I'm connected to America Online not usenet.
July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital
letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type
capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.
JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN
ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT
WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I
GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT
KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I
TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST
HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER
SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.
AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT
IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS
ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.
AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS
JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER
SIDE! HA! HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE
TIMES.
AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW
SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.
AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS
RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO
REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22
MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO
USE PROFANITY.
AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES.
WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST
TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?
August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it?
Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.
August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so
exited. I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions
and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.
August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I
will have to work on it some more.
August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a
few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face
of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.
August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about
something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked
and looked but I can't find that group.
August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet
asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I
cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back
from my house he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his
homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great
sense of humor. I don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my
chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me
posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.
August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet
asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include
my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone
will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going
to add that short story I like.
10. You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell".
9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately
scream, "Get off my back, bitch!"
8. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.
7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep
because you just don't care.
6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.
5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
4. You sleep more at work than at home.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your briefcase.
2. Your Day-Timer exploded a week ago.
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail
right now.
1. Don't sweat the small stuff, and remember, most stuff is small.
2. The most boring word in any language is "I."
3. Nobody is indispensable, especially you.
4. Life is full of surprises. Just say "never" and you'll see.
5. People are more important than things.
6. Persistence will get you almost anything eventually.
7. Nobody can make you happy. Most folks are about as happy as they
make up their minds to be.
8. There's so much bad in the best of us and so much good in the
worst of us that it doesn't behoove any of us to talk about the rest
of us.
9. Live by what you trust, not by what you fear.
10. Character counts. Family matters.
11. Eating out with small children isn't worth it, even if someone
else is buying.
12. If you wait to have kids until you can afford them, you probably
never will.
13. Baby kittens don't begin to open their eyes for six weeks after
birth. Men generally take about 26 years.
14. The world would run a lot smoother if more men knew how to
dance.
15. Television ruins more minds than drugs.
16. Sometimes there is more to gain in being wrong than right.
17. Life is so much simpler when you tell the truth.
18. People who do the world's real work don't usually wear neckties.
19. A good joke beats a pill for a lot of ailments.
20. There are no substitutes for fresh air, sunshine and exercise.
21. A smile is the cheapest way to improve your looks, even if your
teeth are crooked.
22. May you live life so there is standing room only at your
funeral.
23. Mothers always know best, but sometimes fathers know, too.
24. Forgive yourself, your friends and your enemies. You're all only
human.
25. If you don't do anything else in life, love someone and let
someone love you.
Article one : statement of love: the kiss
Article 2: The Three Steps
Article 3: The Commandments
**Remember**
The media have grotesquely skewed the public image of women who
choose to own firearms. Unfortunately, such exposure can affect
self-image. This test is offered in the hopes of putting these false
images into a proper perspective.
Please circle A, B, or C in answer to each below:
* What is the real meaning of that pink T-shirt with a revolver on it
that says: "The ultimate in feminine protection" ?
* For rape and assault prevention, a whistle is:
* The movie "Thelma & Louise" was:
* What was technically wrong with the scene in "Thelma & Louise"
where the two women disarmed a Texas State Police Officer.
* A mouse runs across the kitchen floor. The proper response it to:
* You are discussing the local crime stats with your neighbor, Ralph,
who suggests you buy a .25 caliber pistol for defense. You reply:
* What is your reaction to the concept of a bra holster?
* Define "male."
* Where, in the scheme of things defensive, do such spray products as
Mace, Pepper Spray or CapStun belong?
* You are cornered in your home by a knife-wielding intruder. He
ignores your command to halt, and charges you with the knife
upraised. How many shots should you fire?
Grading the Exam
If 8 or more of your answers were "A" it shows you're a true
pacifist. Perhaps the meek will indeed inherit the earth someday, as
it is written, but only when the rest of us are done with it, hear ?
If 8 or more of your answers were "B" Hey babe -- you're stuck in
the 60's sweetheart. Loosen up! A full 12.7% of you chicks have
good jobs and make almost as much us guys now. What more do you want
outta us ?
If 8 or more of your answers were "C" don't feel too bad. Society
may not yet have a place for you, but Hollywood will, as soon as they
start casting for the lead role in "Bride of Rambo".
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix
to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the
mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.
He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single
person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered
him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner
of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied
it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man
that if he got to going to fast, to honk the horn on his bike and
that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another
Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the
bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the
Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.
The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to
the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 120
mph. He then relayed, "and your not going to believe this, but
there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass".
1. The Female always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must
immediately change some of THE RULES.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant
misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for
causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written
consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants
him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know
whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not
what she said.
15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't
take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the
Male must cater to her every whim.
17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to
19. The male must at all times intuit the nuance of the woman's
every mood. Words mean nothing.
20. When the woman is wrong she is under no constraint to admit it
and no admission of this sort is forthcoming. When the woman is wrong
it will be filed under ancient history and not pertinent.
21. The woman will be allowed entrance into the male domain at all
times. She must be respected and expects to be treated like a male.
(Exception: In those cases where the woman does not have the ability
required to carry out her duties in the workplace, social circles, et
al, at that time she will, of course, be able to utilize womanly wiles
and to claim that the males are discriminating against her).
22. Women should be obscene and not heard.
23. Women were originally intended for another planet until God
looked down upon man in the Garden of Eden and in His wisdom, said to
Himself, "Man has it too good. What can I do to complicate his
existence?"
24. Women are to be allowed to take a job ahead of a more qualified
male. This is called "privileged access".
25. A woman shall be allowed to quit working as soon as they grow
tired of it. This is called "quitting to spend more time with my
family" They shall be applauded for their ability to do everything as
long as that's what they want to do.
26. A man shall not be allowed to quit working until he is completely worn out and old. If the man quits working to spend more time with his family he shall be referred to as a "bum" or a "lazy good-for-nothing". Men shall be ostracized by society for doing what they want to do.
27. Jokes about men are "funny". Jokes about women are "chauvinist".
28. The NOW organization are not despicable, bigoted, hate-mongers like the KKK even though their rhetoric, only coincidentally, is similar.
29. Men are from L. L. Bean, Women are from Bloomingdale's.
30. Men who are not emasculated, de-horned, castrated, or psychological neutered (liberals) are to be reviled, hated and scorned. Unfortunately, these are also the men who marry the best women and stay married the longest.
1. You get compliments for quick play.
15 REASONS WHY FISHING IS BETTER THAN SEX.
1. A big, juicy worm always gets a fish excited.
10 REASONS WHY HOCKEY IS BETTER THAN SEX
10. It is legal to play hockey professionally |