| 1781. The Nudist Club
As featured on Dawn Catfield (Sunny) 5D's
A guy applied to join a nudist club. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Gays." He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry,... You've had two warnings!" 1782. A Call To Tech Support A guy calls tech support to report that his computer is faulty. Tech: What's the problem? User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply. Tech: You'll need a new power supply. User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files. Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it. User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup files and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command. 10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that they are right. The tech is frustrated and fed up. Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem. User: I knew it! Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes. 10 minutes later. User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking. Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using? User: MS-DOS 6.22. Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes. 1 hour later. User: I need a new power supply. Tech: How did you come to that conclusion? User: Well, I called Microsoft and told him about what your said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply. Tech: Then what did he say? User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE. 1783. Top 30 Signs You Have A Drinking Problem: 1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects. 2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. 3. Job interferring with your drinking. 4. Your doctors finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. 5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes. 6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. 7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not! 8. When you can focus better with one eye closed. 9. The parking lot seems to have moved when you were in the bar. 10. Ever woman/man you see has an exact twin. 11. You fall off the floor.... 12. Discover in the morning liquid cleaning supplies have mysteriously disappeared. 13. The glass keeps missing your mouth. 14. Bill Clinton starts to make sense. 15. When you go to donate blood, and they ask what proof. 16. Vampires (and mosquitoes) catch a buzz after attacking you. 17. You think the only drinking problem you have is not having one in your hand right now. 18. Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer. 19. When vomiting is a relief. 20. Having a hard time staying on the sidewalk. 21. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you feel asleep clothed..hmm. 22. The whole bar says "HI" when you come in. 23. Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs. 24. Don't recognize husband/wife unless seen through bottom of glass. 25. You consider yourself a workaholic - because everytime you go to work, you have a beer. 26. Boris Yeltsin tries to get you to join AA. 27. You can't remember what your family looks like. 28. You got married!! 29. The shubbery is also drunk - from frequent watering. 30. Haven't stopped drinking since Carter got elected. 1784. A ventriloquist cowboy walks onto a ranch... Cowboy to Rancher:
Cowboy: Is that your dog? Cowboy to dog:
Dog; Howdy. Rancher is standing there dumbfounded. Cowboy to Rancher:
Rancher: Is that your horse over there?
Cowboy to horse:
Rancher can't believe it.
Cowboy: Is that your owner? Rancher is beside himself: Rancher: Th-Th-Th-Them sheep out there, they're nuttin but a bunch of liars!! 1785. Seminar Humor SEMINARS FOR FEMALES (prepared and presented by males)
1. Are You Ready to Leave?: Definition of the Word YES SEMINARS FOR MALES (prepared and presented by females)
1. Combatting Stupidity 1786. Top 10 ways weddings would be different if men made the decisions: 10) Less "Oh promise me" and more "Louie, Louie" 9) Rehersal dinner kegger! 8) Bridesmaids wear matching blue jean cutoffs and halter tops. 7) Tuxes have team logos on the back. 6) June weddings scheduled around the basketball playoffs 5) Vows mention cooking and sex, specifically. 4) Couples leave ceremony in a souped-up '73 Charger with racing tires and flames on the side. 3) Dance with the bride and get punched in the face. 2) Big, slobbery dogs eligible to be best-man. 1) Tailgate reception! 1787. The Top 15 Least Popular Philosophical Questions (Part I) 15 Given an infinite number of geeks in an infinite number of Star Trek conventions, would there be at least one with a life? 14 Why is Pauly Shore so successful, while a deserving and talented actor like Tom Arnold is still struggling? 13 Ask not for whom the bell tolls. Ask why Bell charges so much for toll calls. 12 Can God make Marlon Brando so big that even He can't move him? 11 If you could go back in time, would you give Hitler a wedgie? 10 The sky's just BLUE, dammit! Get over it! 9 If you sell a video explaining how you didn't kill your ex-wife and her male friend and no one buys it, does it make a sound? 8 What will I have for lunch today -- chicken salad or egg salad? 7 How much cheese could Chuck E. Cheese chuck if Chuck E. Cheese could chuck cheese? 6 Yeah, where the hell *is* Waldo? 5 If a monk, living in a monastery, takes a vow of silence, then talks in his sleep, has he broken his vow of silence? If so, who is going to tell on him? 4 If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong? 3 If a thing of beauty is a joy forever, why does ugly seem to last so much longer? 2 How many angels can writhe in tortured agony skewered on the pointy end of a pin? and the Number 1 Least Popular Philosophical Question... 1 If Mike Tyson bites off Jesus' ear in a fight, is it a foul or a sacrament? 1788. YOU KNOW YOU'RE GROWING OLDER WHEN.... You refer to your accountant as "that nice young man." You have shoes older than your new assistant. Your office nickname (formerly "Whiz Kid") is now Den Mother You can recite the lyrics to "Stop in the Name of Love," but you can't remember your new area code. You try to call your oldest child to dinner, but you run through everyone else's name (including several dwarfs) before you hit it. The drive-thru attendant calls you "ma'am" before he even gets a look at you. You now believe that Elvis died young. You hear yourself say, "This too shall pass. You also hear yourself say, "I used to know that." You're on your third mid-life crisis. You name your cats Gin and Seng. Your crows feet have blossomed into a world class aviary. You get tired just looking at the pregnant woman with the screaming toddler, behind you in line. You look at that pregnant woman with the screaming toddler, smile broadly, and keep on walking!! 1789. Welcome All One day a kid was sitting at home waiting for his relatives to come over. He overheard his parents fighting with each other yelling "YOU BITCH" "YOU BASTARD". Being so young, the kid had never heard those words before and asked his parents what they meant. They replied by saying "Bitch means lady and bastard means gentlemen". Satisfied with this answer the boy went to his room. Then he heard the neighbors having sex. They were repeating the words "DICK and "CUNT" over and over and over. Again, the boy was curious and asked his parents what those words meant. Thinking fast, his mother said "Dick means coat and cunt means jackets." Once again the boy was satisfied with the answer and headed to the bathroom, but his father was shaving and the boy had to wait. Fearing that the boy might wet himself, the father shaved faster. He went a little to quick and ended up cutting himself, "SHIT!!!!!" he yelled. "Whats shit mean daddy," the boy asked . The father, stuck for an answer said, "it means shaving cream." The boy did his "business" and his dad went back to shaving. His next stop was the kitchen, there he saw his mother preparing the turkey. As she reached for a knife she ended up cutting herself. "AW FUCK!!", she yelled. "Whats fuck mean mommy", the boy asked. "It means stuffing the turkey." Finnaly, the guest arrived, the boy went to the door and said, "Hello bitchs and bastards, may I take your dicks and cunts? Dads in the bathroom putting shit on his face and moms in the kitchen fucking the turkey! 1790. Relationships.... Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?'' And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Gee, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see. ... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected. And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure. And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the rats. And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their .... ''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud. ''What?'' says Roger, startled. ''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . . I feel so . . ." (She breaks down, sobbing.) ''What?'' says Roger. ''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.'' ''There's no horse?'' says Roger. ''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says. ''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer. ''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says. (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) ''Yes,'' he says. (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) ''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says. ''What way?'' says Roger. ''That way about time,'' says Elaine. ''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.'' (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) ''Thank you, Roger,'' she says. ''Thank you,'' says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechs he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.) The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either. Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?'' |