| 1791. TWELVE YEAR OLD SCOTCH
A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff. The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch." The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year- old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch. The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. The man sips the drink and says, "Now that's more like it." An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "what do you think of this?" The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "WHY, THIS TASTES LIKE PISS," to which the old drunk replies, "That right, now guess how old I am." 1792. All Purpose Excuse Form All Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've gotten in. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be! Dear
a) Mom Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
a) Car was severely damaged by my
a) infantile prank. How could I have known that the
a) car I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your
a) house you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to
a) imagine and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to
a) hate me but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around at
a) school and to remember that I am first and foremost your
a) friend I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that
a) was so stupid Sincerely, Me. 1793. MOM'S 25 SURVIVAL TIPS 1. Don't try to live with anyone who insists on alphabetizing your spice rack. 2. When someone tells you that what he's about to say is "for your own good," expect the worst. 3. Do not make an obscene gesture at anyone driving a pickup truck with a gun rack. 4. If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but don't swallow it whole. 5. When a politician says, "Let me make something perfectly clear..." remember that he usually won't. 6. After a certain age, if you say something outrageous, everyone will think it's cute. Take advantage of this. 7. Don't sweat your every mistake or faux pas. They make up for all of the things you got away with that nobody knows about. 8. Don't wait for the funeral to say something kind or nice about someone. 9. Your children may leave home, but their stuff will be in your attic and basement forever. 10. If you wouldn't want to see it in a newspaper or on the evening news, don't do it. 11. If someone says, "I know what I mean, but I just can't put it into words," he doesn't know what he means. 12. Don't let a child with the stomach flu sleep on the top bunk. 13. If a man has to hire a public relations firm to shape his image, he doesn't know who he is, and more important, he doesn't want you to find out. 14. The only receipt you don't save is the only one you'll need later. 15. If you humiliate yourself, be consoled with the thought that you probably made someone else's day...maybe even their week. Think of your humiliation as an act of charity. 16. Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately flushes the toilet when you're taking a shower. 17. The value of a cat is its utter indifference to its owner's importance. 18. Never purchase a tool to clean behind radiators, because you won't have an excuse not to clean there. 19. Don't waste time trying to be your own best friend; you can't pat yourself on the back, and it's unsatisfying to cry on your own shoulder. Find a real friend instead. 20. Think like a good actor: Observe, observe, observe. 21. It's a proven fact that zipping up a small child's snowsuit will cause her to wet her pants. There is no known cure for this. 22. The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how much fun it is to be idiotic. 23. Two people cannot successfully operate a TV remote control in the same room at the same time. 24. If you want to hid candy bars so you can eat them after the kids are in bed, put the candy in the freezer in a paper bag labeled "Fish." 25. And know when to leave the stage, Like right now. 1794. Why don't you have kids yet? 1. The cats have a hard enough time trying to babysit the dogs. 2. We're still making payments on the sports car. 3. We're still paying for OUR college tuition. 4. Seeing the in-laws on holidays is more than enough. 5. Have you taken a good look at our siblings? 6. Cocoa Puffs and tinker toys tend to ruin a hot tub (Sue/Heath) 7. We're waiting for virtual children. 8. Still trying to find good medical insurance. 9. We're going to adopt a cabbage patch/garbage can doll. 10. You mean we have to start having sex again?? 1795. Just a Little Spam (Advertisement Joke)
Tired of those fruity, flowery "men's colognes"? Then you're ready for _Diesel Musk_ by Menace Comprised of the essenence of the smelliest diesel fuel anywhere, it will make you smell like a macho tanker driver, heavy equipment operator, or truck driver... The kind of virile, manly man _she_ can't resist. When you are ready to stop smelling like a boy and start smelling like a man, you're ready to try _Diesel Musk_! Other colognes available from Menace Eau de Ranchdirt For those who want to smell like a macho cowboy. Composed of extract of cow manure , barnyard dirt, horse sweat and stale tobbaco juice, it will make you smell as sexy as the _real_"Marlborough Man". Eau de Lockerroom For those who want to smell like a real athlete. Formulated from a blend of the armpit, groin, and face sweat of tired atheletes, and extract from week old unwashed laundry, it will make you smell like you've been working out all day. Try one of these colognes today, and start smelling like a _Real_ man! 1796. A Daughter's Letter Dear Mother and Dad, It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for the thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up-to-date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not going to read any further unless you are sitting down. Okay? Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital, and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches one a day. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me in the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. Its really a basement room, but its kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing the pre-marital blood test and I carelessly caught it from him. this will clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily. I know you will welcome him into the family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your oft-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat different than ours. I am sure that you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important engineer for the sanitation department he works for. Although they say he runs his office from his truck. Now that I have brought you up-to-date, folks, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis, and there is no schwartze in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in history and an "F" in science, ...and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective. Your loving daughter, 1797. Guess who? A local preacher was paying a visit to one of his church members on a Friday night, and heard a loud party as he approached the house. He knocked on the door and the owner answered. Behind him, he saw a circle of naked men, with blindfolded women moving from man to man, fondling each man's package, and guessing who it was. The preacher, seeing this, said "I'm sorry. I don't think I'd fit in here right now." "Nonsense," the man replied. "Your name's been called three times already." 1798. LIFE IN THE LOUNGE LANE After the handsome tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said in a very soft voice, "Miss, would you give me a piece of ass?" "Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. But she smiled and added, "Sure, why not? It's pretty slow here right now, so let's go!" When the pair returned an hour later, the man returned to the table where his drink was still waiting. The waitress gave him a wink and asked, "And will there be anything else?" "Yes, ma'am" replied the tourist. "In Virginia we like our bourbon and wat-ah cold... Now I'll really need a piece of ass for my drink..." 1799. Mothers bragging about their sons. Four Catholic mothers are sitting around bragging about their sons, each of whom is a priest. First mother says, "My son is a monsignor, and when he walks in the room, people greet him 'Good morning, monsignor.'" Second mother says, "Well, my son is a Bishop, and people greet him 'Good morning, your Grace.'" Third mother says, "Well, my son is a Cardinal, and people greet him 'Good morning, your Eminence.'"
The fourth mother pauses, and finally says, "My son is six
feet, ten inches tall and is 300 pounds of pure muscle. 1800. Take Time... Take time to smell the roses. Take a nap on a Sunday afternoon. Drink 8 glasses of water a day. Never deprive someone of hope, It might be all they have. Be thankful for every meal. Don't nag. Don't inteerrupt. Don't tailgate. Never be afraid to say, "I'm sorry." Improve your performance by improving your attitude. Wave at children on the school bus. Listen to your child. Leave everything a little better than you found it. Leave the toilet seat in the down position. Keep it simple. Keep good company. Keep your promises. Keep your word. Be kinder than necessary. Take good care of those you love. Make it a habit to do nice things for people who will never find out. Wear outrageous underwear under the most formal business attire. Judge your success by the degree that you're enjoying... Peace, Health and Love. Be a good loser. Be a good winner. Be romantic. Live so when your children think of fairness, caring and integrity... They think of you. Enjoy real maple syrup. Never refuse homemade brownies. Never give anyone fruitcake. Remember other people's birthdays. Sing in the shower. Don't expect money to bring you happiness. Be forgiving of yourself and others. Never give up on anyone... Miracles happen everyday. Say thank you a lot. Slow Dance. Don't rain on other people's parades. Don't postpone joy.
Stop blaming others...
Take care of your reputation... Count all your blessings. Whistle a tune. Marry only for love. Call your mother. Do more than is expected. Be there when people need you. Be someone's hero. Support your community.
Don't be afraid to give of your... |