KAREL'S CHEESE HOUSE

And the Lord said to Noah, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for an Ark.

"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

Six months passed, the skies began to cloud up and the rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his yard and weeping and there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is my ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet the code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Second, I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. Third, my neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning codes building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the City Planning Commission. Fourth, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls. Fifth, the carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat and still no owls.

"Sixth, I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to my taking only two of each kind. Just when I got that suit dismissed, the seventh thing that happened was that EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environment statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Supreme Being.

"Eighth, the Army Crops of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.

"Right now I am still trying to resolve the complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of Use Tax. I really don't think I can finish Your Ark for at least another five years," wailed Noah.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully. "No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has."

Windows 95: n.

32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behaviour. At work you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own loo. At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have managers.

Most of these one-liners are from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution's Vent column (reader's comments on life and current events):

After seeing how Disney is doing financially, I was wondering if I could get the Southern Baptists to boycott my company.

The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a psychotic thinks that 2+2=5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him.

It's not classy, it's cheap. When restaurants charge $1.50 and up for iced tea, I ask for water with a lemon so that I can make lemonade.

Of course I tip my waiters, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

When I told my 5-year-old this morning that I loved him, he replied, "Now what did you do wrong, Momma?"

Never kick a man unless he's down.

Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?

If there wasn't the risk of having a baby, would sex be as much fun?

It is not politically correct to say that people are fat or obese. They are merely overzealous connoisseurs of the art of cuisine.

The factory of the future will have two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog and the dog is there to keep the man from touching the computers.

My wife wanted a change of scenery, so I showed her the kitchen.

While I was out of town, burglars broke into my apartment, but they didn't take anything. It really hurt my feelings.

If the Republicans were really serious about saving us money, they'd adjourn Congress as soon as the President signs the budget. Don't count on it.

The less I see of New Gingrich the easier it is for me to forget him.

It's better to say something good about a bad person than to say something bad about a good person.

I remember seeing a kid in the grocery store with dirt and old food on his face, wearing a filthy T-shirt, barefoot and eating a two-pound candy bar. I couldn't imagine why his mother had brought him to the store looking that way and why she would give him a candy bar at 10 in the morning. That was before I had four kids. Now I know why.

His face was dirty because he was going through a phase in which having his face wiped seemed worse to him than getting beaten. She chose not to do either. His T-shirt was filthy becasuse it was his favorite one. He wore it every day and every night. Just as they were walking out the door to go to the store, he had pulled it out of the clothes hamper and surpised her with it at the front door. By then she didn't dare risk interrupting the momentum she'd built toward the car by going back into the house to get a clean one. He had shoes on when they left for the store, but he took them of in the car and threw one out the window on the freeway. She was relieved it was the left shoe, since he'd thrown a right one out the window the week before. He was eating a big candy bar because she had promised him he could pick out his own treat at the store if he didn't throw the cat into the pool for a whole week. She was desperate because it was the neighbor's cat and couldn't swim.

I used to think that my children would eat only fresh, organic fruits and vegetables and free-range chicken. Now I look forward to our semiweekly luncheon at McDonald's. I have acquired a genuine love for secret sauce, and relish the fact that my kids can't do anything wrong there. This includes drenching their french fries in ketchup, then spitting their cola out on top of the fries, molding the whole mess into a big ball, then throwing it at one another.

Before, when I would see a woman wheeling a kid around in a dirty stroller, I'd ask myself, "Why did she give birth to that child if she didn't plan to keep the stroller clean?" The other week at my annual stroller washing party, I found ground cover growing in the storage compartment of one of mine.

When I would see children throwing fits in public, I would wonder why the parents didn't just tie the kids' arms and legs toegether and put them in the trunk of the car until they had finished shopping. Now I know it's because they left the rope at home.

When several children were screaming in an airplane, I'd wonder why there wasn't a separate airplane, and a separate planet, for kids. I know now that their parents wish the same thing and that they had to take the kids to attend the family reunion at Aunt Lois' so they could see Uncle George before he kicked the bucket.

The kids were crying because their parents wouldn't let them eat the headset, stick their fingers in the ear of the lady in front of them, or press the attendant call button for the 100th time. The parents were preoccupied with trying to decide where to change the really smelly diaper. Should they change it on the seat next to the couple on their honeymoon, or on the floor in the back where five perky flight attendants were playing bumper cars with those one-ton food carts? Forget the bathroom. They were designed to hold one person with short legs. The parents feared that the smell would cause a panicky passenger to pull open the emergency exit in order to trigger the release of the oxygen masks, and they'd all be sucked out of the airplane.

Now when I see a little girl wearing cowboy boots on the wrong feet, a pink bathing suit on backward and Army helmet, I think "She IS absolutely sure that her shoes are on the right feet, and she likes the way the helmet looks with the swimsuit. And, no, she doesn't want to wear a jacket because 'she likes to be cold'. She is happy."

Dogs LOVE it when your friends come over.

Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

Dogs think you sing great.

The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you!!

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Anyone can get a good-looking dog.

Dogs don't want to go shopping and insist you go with them during the game. In fact, dogs don't shop.

Dogs don't mind if say you're going to "Give 'em the bone, later". In fact, they'd rather you go ahead and do that now.

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

Dogs never need to evaluate the relationship.

A dog's parents never visit.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can have it put down.

Dogs like beer.

Dogs don't hate their bodies. (No, that's obvious sometimes!)

No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.

Dogs don't put on 100 pounds after you commit to keeping them.

Dogs never criticize. (I don't know, check your shoes)

Dogs agree that you DO have to raise your voice to get your point across.

It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.

Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

Dogs don't watch soap operas.

You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go *anywhere* 24 hours a day.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

Dogs don't mind if you lay around watching football on the weekends.

Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

Dogs don't talk to you when you're trying to watch TV.

Dogs don't care if it's McDonald's for dinner

Women NEVER bring the ball back !

Both look stupid in hats.

Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.

Neither understand football.

Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.

Neither believe that silence is golden.

Neither can balance a checkbook.

Both put too much emphasis on kissing.

It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.

Women usually don't pee on your newspaper

Most women don't lick themselves in public

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don't, you are not a man
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don't, you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp
If you don't, you are not understanding
If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring
If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you aren't, you are a dull boy
If you are jealous, she says it's bad
If you aren't, she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way
If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time"
If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls"
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage
If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics
If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction
If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring
If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk

In short:

So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
So damning, yet so wonderful.....WOMEN!

A man who had been marooned on a small deserted island, was making his morning walk around the island, searching for any useful items that might of use that washed ashore.

Then he noticed that there was a yellow something bobbing in the surf, as he watched it it became obvious that it was a person in a yellow scuba suit. And as he continued to watch, it became obvious that it was a female in the scuba suit.

As she approached him pulling back the head cover of the suit, he noticed she was a good looking blonde female. She walked right up to him.

She asked him, "How long have you been here?" He replied, "It's been ten years."

She asked him, "How long since you've smoked a good cigar?" He replied, "It's been ten long years!" She reached around her suit and unzipped a pocket, and extracted a Havana cigar. Finding another zipper, she produced a lighter. She handed him the cigar, and lit it as he enhaled. She asked how the cigar was and he said it was better than he remembered.

She asked him, "How long since you've had a drink?" He replied, "It's been ten long, long years!!" She reached for another pocket in her suit and unzipped a small flask, and from an additional pocket, found a whiskey glass. She poured a shot into the flash and handed it to him. She asked how it was as he sipped the whiskey and smoked the cigar and he said it was great.

She asked him, "How long since you've played around?" He replied, "It's been ten long, long, long years!!!" She started to pull down the front zipper of the scuba suit. He kind of leaned toward her as he looked in wonder down the front of her suit, and he asked, "You got a set of golf clubs in there?"

A fellow has a week off from work and decides to play a round of golf every day.

First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together.

She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole. He congratulates her in the parking lot, then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning.

On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. He pulls up to her house, they kiss and she shows him her appreciation...

The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight competitive round of golf.

Again she beats him at the last hole, again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation.

This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a city hotel. Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't figure out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason.

"You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite."

He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion.

"I'm sorry," she repeats.

"You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating bastard. You've been playing off the women's tees all week!!"

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLDER WHEN:

Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."
You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
You burn the midnight oil until 9 p.m.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
A fortune teller offers to read your face.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.
The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
You refer to your accountant as "that nice young man."
You have shoes older than your new assistant.
Your office nickname (formerly Whiz Kid) is now Scout Master
You can recite the lyrics to "Stop in the Name of Love," but you can't remember your new area code.
The drive-thru attendant calls you "sir" before he even sees you.
You now believe that Elvis died young.
You hear yourself say, "This too shall pass."
You also hear yourself say, "I used to know that."
You're on your third mid-life crisis.
You name your cats Gin and Seng.
Your crows feet have blossomed into a world class aviary.
You get tired just looking at the pregnant woman with the screaming toddler behind you in line.
You look at that pregnant woman with the screaming toddler, smile broadly, and keep on walking!!
Your children have to repeat everything three times.
Your barber glues hair onto your head when you go for a hair cut.
You get hair coloring for your birthday.
You get a can with compressed air to help blow out the candles on the cake.
You start dozing when everyone sings happy birthday to you.

There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.

You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun - and fun a lot more work.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?

You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.

You can stay young forever if you live modestly, get lots of sleep, work hard, pray daily, and lie about your age.

One man says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second man says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!"

The third man smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." He raps the table. With a startled look on his face, he asks, "Who's there?"

To achieve WOOPIE status, the following criteria must be met:

1. You are retired, considering retirement, or planning for retirement from at least one job.

2. You must have an income equal to at least half of your best income during your last three working years.

3. Although not mandatory, you should own a car. If you do, you must be capable of driving it.

4. You must own your own home or condo.

5. You must own at least one piece of exercise equipment that is used on a regular basis as a clothes hanger.

6. You must own two TVs, one that you watch and one that is in front of your exercise equipment.

7. You must own a VCR and at least two exercise videos.

8. You must be mentally capable of programming your VCR. (This criterion eliminates a lot of applicants.)

9. You must be physically healthy, at least capable of turning off your TV without using the remote. This is another criterion that creates problems. Most potential WOOPIES can manage to get to the TV, but can't find the ON/OFF switch.

10. You must be on the mailing lists of at least three of the following agencies/ businesses:

1. AARP
2. Real estate agents who want to sell your house
3. A nutrition and/or vitamin supply company
4. A travel agency --"Do we have a cruise for you!!"
5. A financial/estate planner
6. A mortuary with such promotions as: "We can reserve a plot for you;" "Buy your burial plot at '96 prices;" "Buy now, pay now; die later."

He wasn't disturbed as at a dinner he sat,
Devouring a roast or a pie,
To think it was lacking in the right kind of fat
Or a couple of vitamins shy.

He cheerfully chewed each species of food,
Unmindful of troubles or fears
Lest his health might be hurt by some fancy dessert;
And he lived over 900 years!

- Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
- Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
- Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
- Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
- Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
- Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
- Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
- Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
- Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
- Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
- Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
- Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
- Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
- Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
- Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
- Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
- Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
- Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
- Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
- Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
- Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
- Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
- Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
- Old investors never die, they just roll over.
- Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
- Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
- Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
- Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
- Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
- Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
- Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
- Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
- Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
- Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
- Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
- Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
- Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
- Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
- Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
- Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
- Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
- Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
- Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
- Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
- Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
- Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
- Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
- Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
- Old sailers never die, they just get a little dingy.
- Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.
- Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
- Old students never die, they just get degraded.
- Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
- Old teachers never die, they just lose their class.
- Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
- Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
- Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
- Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.